Entries tagged with “John Boehner”.


Harry "Dead Eyes" to defend Obama against Boehner

Harry “Hammertime” Krinkston to defend Obama against Boehner

First, Speaker of the House John Boehner sued Lebron James. Yesterday, he got official congressional approval to sue someone even bigger–– President Barack Obama. And this big man wasted no time in counterpunching back.

Obama has secured Harry “Hammertime” Krinkston for his defense attorney!

“The president was impressed with Krinkston’s television commercials that run late at night,” said a White House insider. “He likes the fact that at the end of spot, Krinkston looks directly into the camera and says, “Someone causing you trouble? Let me cause them pain. I’ll kill the mooks, so help me ginny!” Then, Krinkston does his signature move, curling his right hand into a fist and punching the camera as a title reads: HAMMERTIME! along with the phone number of his office.

Although Krinkston’s TV commercials usually highlight his personal injury and car accident expertise, the attorney’s office said “he can handle any case that needs two fists of justice.”

LeBron accused of acting like "a king"

LeBron accused of acting like “a king”

Speaker of the House John Boehner is keeping his legal team busy. Now he’s suing both President Obama and NBA superstar LeBron James.

In a lawsuit filed earlier today, Boehner claims “LeBron is acting like a King, even pronouncing himself ‘King James’. He seems to think that he can claim whatever domain he likes, moving from Miami to Cleveland and doing whatever he wants. But this is America, and we fought the British to ensure we’d never live under a king’s rule again, or have to eat crumpets or watercress sandwiches with no crusts! I want to bring LeBron James back down to size!”

Later in the day, Boehner also filed lawsuits against a Starbucks barista, a convenience store clerk and a 16-year old kid working a McDonald’s drive through window. The House Speaker said “all of them were acting like kings! They had haughty attitudes like then expected me to drink tea at four in the afternoon and ride in fox hunts wearing tight slacks. They seemed very self important. This has got to stop! This is not the America our forefathers did stuff for.”

That mean ol' Nancy Pelosi gave Johnny Boehner what-for!

Newly installed Speaker of The House, John Boehner, cried like a little girl after being walloped on his noodle by outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

The outgoing Speaker traditionally passes the gavel to the incoming Speaker, but yesterday it was spiced with Three Stooges-like antics.

Ms. Pelosi motioned as if to calmly pass the gavel to Mr. Boehner, then suddenly poked two fingers in his eyes and walloped him on the skull with the comically-large wooden mallet. She blurted out a Curley Howard “Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk”, dropped to the ground and began running in place as she rotated her body in a circle.

Mr. Boehner, taken completely by surprise, began sobbing uncontrollably.

“Oh, it were somethin’,” said an old coot House Representative. “I been ’round these parts longer than skunks had stink, but I ain’t never seen nothing like what that trickster Pelosi did to that cryboy Boehner. She gave him what-for but good, she did,” said the politico as he danced a jaunty little jig. “This new Congress is goin’ to be awful entertainin’, I reckon,” he said as he spat some tobacky into a nearby spittoon.