Entries tagged with “Kanye”.

It's Hammertime for Kanye's finances!

It’s Hammertime for Kanye’s finances!

Kanye West claims to be $53 million in debt, and his plea to Mark Zuckerberg for a cool billion has gone “unfriended”–– but a new man has entered the picture to save K’s bacon The Lint Screen has learned.

MC Hammer!

The legendary hip-hop star says he is “overjoyed” to be called on for help. “I know how to manage money,” Ham said as he fluffed his gold leaf parachute pants. “I’ll show Kanye how to stretch a buck. I’ll make him wealthy again in no time flat because when it comes to financial management acumen, well, you can’t touch this,” he said as he performed a split.

Six minutes later, two associates came to lift the former star from the floor. “Anyone got Zuckerberg’s digits,” MC asked. “I may need a new hip or two.”

Getting their wedding vows on, Kim & Kanye!!!

Getting their wedding vowels on, Kim & Kanyeah!!!

The wedding of the century went down Saturday as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West married in Florence, Italy, and The Lint Screen was there for every adrenaline-filled second. Here are some of the highlights that no other news media has reported:
+ Kanye said, “E” and Kim replied “O” as the couple exchanged vowels and were officially made the most glamorous couple in the universe in front of 600 A-list guests including Garrison Keillor, Howie Mandel and Jaleel White (Urkle!)
+ Love was in the air along with a strong scent of Pine Sol after a few of the guests got sick from the Tilt-A-Whirl ride set up at the entrance to the wedding garden
+ There was a life-size statue of the happy couple constructed of candy corn, clay, pitted olives and plaster of Paris
+ Kim’s wedding dress was designed by Felicity Gucci Givenchy de Le Target and was made from feathers, silk (spun by live silk worms still working as the bride strode down the aisle) and angel eyelashes–– the beautiful gown was valued at well over $62
+ Kim’s march down the aisle was preceded by a procession of little people on albino goats whose shins trickled with bright blood seeping from where the sharp spurs had dug in
+ Tears of joy flowed like a sad Niagara Falls after a heavy rainfall of sorrow
+ After the wedding ceremony, a flock of owls, hummingbirds, bald eagles and a bow-legged ostrich were released as the groom bumped and grinded on the bride
+ The love couple’s love child North asked her parents to change her name to South–– she was spanked and sent to her room
+ The menu included Vienna sausages, Deviled Ham on Premium Saltines, popcorn balls, beef stew (no carrots–– Kim hates carrots!) cotton candy and raspberry-lemon-quail tarts

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