Entries tagged with “Lint Screen exclusive”.

General McCrystal was not as tight-lipped as he appeared to be.

In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.

“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”

Head honcho gives the lowdown to appease worrywarts worldwide.

Recently, BP chief executive Tony Hayward put the size of the oil spill from the company’s Deepwater Horizon boo-boo in context. He said, “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.”

This statement was immediately met with a backlash of negative opinion as it was perceived as being insensitive and self-serving. In response, Mr. Hayward sent an e-main this morning with some new metaphors that more accurately frame the minimal nature of the company’s oil spill. The Lint Screen publishes Mr. Hayward’s comments below for your enlightenment and nerve calming.

“When one considers that our planet is two-thirds water, and the oil spilled thus far is only a couple million gallons, well, obviously it is hardly even a speck of sand on the beach, if I might mix my metaphors.”

“The number of people who will be affected by this spill is negligible compared to the over six billion people who call this planet home.”

“When one contemplates that it is estimated over 106 billion people have been born on Earth throughout its glorious history, well, frankly it seems rather silly and selfish to even be concerned over this trifling oil spill matter.”

“Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, the area affected by this unfortunate hiccup by Mother Nature is absolutely infinitesimal considering we live in an ever-expanding universe. I mean, really, are we that self-absorbed that we must make a brouhaha of every little thing? Chin up, people. Chin up!”

“In conclusion, the Deepwater Horizon mishap is no big deal and it will be resolved by and by. Nature has a way of sorting things out, you know. Get on with your lives, it will all be good by and by. Thank you.”

It’s looking like strike eight in the love department for Larry King. Rumors have surfaced that the 76-year old gab show host and his 50-year old bride, singer Shawn Southwick, are soon to be divorcing, making it Larry’s eighth failed marriage to seven women. Why is the couple breaking up? Allegedly, Larry was getting all Tiger Woodsy with his sister-in-law, Shannon Engemann, while wifey-poo may have been rounding the bases with their son’s little league coach. Yow!

Old dog learns new tricks, wife to wave bye-bye in car-car.

In a Lint Screen exclusive, we reveal the searing confrontation that took place in the King household on April 15th when Larry sat waiting at the kitchen table as wife Shawn entered the house from the garage.

LK: Shawn, welcome, it’s great to see you. Come have a seat, let’s talk.
SS: Larry, is my sister here?
LK: No, no she isn’t. Why do you ask, babycakes?
SS: I smell that whorish French perfume she always wears. You’re not wearing it, are you?
LK: Of course not, sugarlips. Let’s talk about your day, snoogums. If you could describe your day in one word, would it be ‘magnificent’ or ‘wondrously fabulous.’
SS: Larry, why’s there lipstick on your forehead and neck?
LK: Remarkable your powers of perception, love-dove. I swear, you could be a C.S.I. agent with your observational skills. Let me just say here and now, that you are, without a doubt, the most incredibly beautiful woman on planet Earth. In fact, you make all other women look like garbage. They’re festering, stinking trash, compared to you. They are not worthy to be in the same gender with one as beautifully captivating as you, buttercup, and…
SS: Larry, what’s that on your arm?
LK: My arm?
SS: Yes– look, that!
LK: I shouldn’t be showing so much flesh. Between the sexy suspenders and my alluring flesh, I could be accused of babe-baiting. Let me roll down this shirt cuff. The shirt’s a Geoffrey Beene wrinkle free pinpoint, which is 60% cotton for comfort and 40% Polyester for easy care. There’s no better value for quality…
SS: Oh no you don’t– you’re not coving that up. Roll the sleeve up so I can see…
LK: What is it about the words ‘shirt sleeves’ that’s so fun to say? Have two words ever been made more for each other: shirt, sleeve— it’s like a poem. I love them!
SS: Give me your arm– aha! Just as I suspected, it’s a tattoo.
LK: Is it just me or is everyone getting ink these days?
SS: You have a tattoo that says “I heart sleeping with Shannon.” Larry, are you having an affair with my sister?
LK: For my money, there is no jealousy quite like sibling rivalry. It drives siblings crazy…
SS: You are, aren’t you?! You’re sleeping with Shannon! You smell like her, you’re wearing her lipstick and you have a tattoo with her name.
LK: In my opinion, the concept of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ is the backbone of our democracy and it’s what makes America great, and the country I’m proud to call home.
SS: Unbelievable. Larry, how could you?
LK: Well, look at the time. I’m afraid this day is done and I’d like to thank you for spending some time with me. I hope you’ll join me again tomorrow when my guest will be…