Entries tagged with “Michelle Obama”.

The President reacts to viewing TV news channels

The President reacts to viewing TV news channels

Last week, President Obama admitted that he had learned on TV news about the scandal involving the Internal Revenue Service’s systemic targeting of conservative groups. He said he had no prior knowledge, only what was said on the news. When reporters expressed disbelief, White House sources report that Obama vowed to become even more aware of what was going on in the nation. To that end, the President has been consuming a steady diet of nothing but news feeds from FOX, CNN and MSNBC.

Obama has been alarmed to learn the following from these distinguished news sources:
— Barack Obama is not the legitimate President since he was born in Kenya and educated by Al-Qaeda in a Pakistan cave and at any moment a computer chip implanted in his skull may be activated and he will become radicalized and demand all citizens to turn their weapons over to the government and lie on their backs while they are literally taxed to death

— Obama is the greatest president ever and all Republicans are slime-sucking hypocritical racist idiots filling their heads with the insipid drivel of Rush, Hannity and Beck

— The Twitterverse is rockin’ the news and that’s totally awesome!

— Ronald Reagan was the greatest President ever because he cut taxes for the wealthy and the riches have been trickling down ever since and the only thing that ruined Reagan’s economic boom was Bill Clinton’s Satanic immorality and Barack Obama’s determined systematic undermining of the American economy ensuring that future generations will be indentured servants to their Chinese overlords

— Gun background checks are the worst breach of freedom ever enacted on any people anywhere

— Michelle Obama wants to control the diets of our children and turn them all gay so that we will never procreate and humanity will whither away

— A hologram of a seated Obama with his head in his hands is a great way to depict what the President might be going through during the numerous scandals rocking his administration

— The I.R.S. is a Russian spy organization that funds background checks on firearms

— obamasgottago983 thinks that Obama has destroyed the American economy by giving poor people free cars, steak and lobster dinners and free healthcare

— Plans are underway to include Obama’s face on Mt. Rushmore, but Republicans will most likely filibuster its funding

— Our forefathers had it right: every American should be armed to the teeth and missionary is the only position for a God-fearing people

Sources say Obama may try binge watching episodes of “Petticoat Junction” to clear his head.


Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”

Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”

Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”

The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.

President Hu appears to have a case of heart burn and getting burned!

President Barack Obama is one smooth and shrewd operator.

There was much mystery shrouding the small private dinner Obama held with China’s President Hu Jintao on Tuesday evening. The beltway was abuzz with who was attending and what the purpose was of the dinner held the day before an official state dinner. Now it has been revealed: the private dinner was about relieving a whopping $850 billion debt the United States owes to China!

Anonymous sources report that Tuesday’s private dinner included Hu, Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, actor Sally Kellerman, magician Doug Henning and Canadian rocker Geddy Lee of Rush. “It was a dream team of celebs and interesting personalities.”

“The menu was fabulous. Tossed green salad with iceberg and romaine lettuces, cherry tomatoes, sliced cukes, walnuts and dried craisins with a thick coat of Kraft French dressing. There were Pepperidge Farm rolls, too! The main course was tender beef tenderloins, green bean casserole topped with fried onions and those small seasoned potatoes. For dessert, pound cake slices loaded with strawberries and Cool Whip! It was an incredible feed, but the best part is what happened after dinner as Geddy Lee started performing a killer acoustic version of Tom Sawyer.”

“Obama coyly turned to Hu and told him what a gas it was to have him over, then he slipped the Chinese leader a bill for $850,000,000,000.00! He told Hu that in America we have a saying– ‘there’s no such thing as a free lunch.’ The President tells Hu that saying holds doubly true for dinner, so Hu owes us $850 billion for his tasty meal. Bam! Hu looked like he was about to die. He was one livid dude. Obama got him but good!”

The Obama ploy will erase a large portion of the U.S. debt to China. Sources say the President next plans to invite Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama of Japan to dinner.

The horrific act!

The Horrific Act That Shook The Royal World!

First Lady Michelle Obama has England all a-titter as a result of her brazen breach of protocol in greeting her highness, Queen Elizabeth II yesterday. The U.S. First Lady had the audacity to actually touch the Royal Mother’s royal backside– with her glove-less hand!

This flagrant assault to civility has Anglophiles worldwide “quite upset, actually. Not at all pleased.” The formal greeting of Her Highness is to curtsey, grovel at her feet pleading one’s unworthiness to be in her company, self-flagellation with a cat o’ nine tails and signing over ownership of all worldly possessions to the Queen.

Sir Nigel Rathbunn Tittleshower-Glipp, a noted British historian reports that Ms. Obama’s egregious act was “one of the most horrific things to ever happen in the history of civilisation.”

“I would put Ms. Obama’s terrible faux pas right up there with other noted American breaches of proper etiquette when in the company of a Royal subject. While I do not believe The First Lady’s barbaric incident surpasses Grover Cleveland’s outrageous behavior toward Queen Victoria in 1895, it still ranks in the top three of all time U.S. insults to the Crown.”

The disgrace of The Nation

The Disgrace of The Nation

The infamous Grover Cleveland incident took place on March 11, 1895 when President Cleveland patted Queen Victoria smartly on her rump, then jumped up onto her back and requested a “piggyback ride ’round the Palace. Bystanders were shocked and not terribly amused by the portly president’s juvenile behavior. Cleveland weighed over 250 pounds, or as the Brits say, “18 stones– a bloody ton.”

The Royal Mother was also decidely not amused. “The President certainly enjoys his mutton and ale,” she famously quipped, “for his lard-ass was a chore to haul about. Twenty-eight minutes was all I could bear with that porker on my back.”

The Queen Was Not Amused

The Queen Was Not Amused

Cleveland took little offense at her comments and tried to make amends by kissing Queen Victoria. However, it appeared that “slipping The Lady a little tongue” is also a flagrant breach of Royal protocol. Cleveland was asked to never again set his heavy foot on British soil.

The other famously brazen American act of disrespect to a Royal happened on July 20, 1976 when President Gerald Ford met Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace and proceeded to attempt dancing “The Bump” with her to a Bee Gees disco song playing on a nearby radio.

President Ford was immediately banished from the Palace. Her Highness told reporters, “Disco sucks. Zeppelin rules.” She then flipped open a malt liquor and chugged.