Entries tagged with “N.R.A.”.

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea says N.R.A.

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea for Americans says N.R.A.

The National Rifle Association is mad!

The powerful organization is urging lawmakers to pass legislation that will make it much easier for people to acquire guns.

“It’s ridiculous the hoops we make law abiding Americans jump through to get a weapon,” said an N.R.A. spokesman. “We force people to go to gun shows or even strain themselves by shopping on-line to get their weaponry protected by the Second Amendment. I don’t think our forefathers would stand for such ridiculous restraints coming between freedom lovers and semi-auto weaponry to protect ourselves from evil forces. So we want Congress to pass sensible laws like ‘Take A Gun, Leave A Gun’ that will make it easier for citizens to arm themselves!”

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is an idea inspired by “take a penny, leave a penny” popular at many convenience stores. Rather than pennies, a basket would be used so that people could leave firearms for others, and take the weapons they need.

“It just makes sense for there to be a hassle-free way for citizens to arm themselves,” said the N.R.A. spokesman as he slapped a new clip into his Glock. When asked if Take A Gun, Leave A Gun might lead to more convenience store armed robberies, the spokesman became irate. “Look, if the guy or girl behind the counter ain’t packing some heat, what in the blue blazes do they expect?”

People dressed like John Wayne will protect us, says Mr. N.R.A.

People dressed like John Wayne will protect us, says the N.R.A.’s Wayne LaPierre

Following the tragic slayings at an elementary school in Newton, Connecticut, National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre assembled a tactical think tank that included rocker Ted Nugent. Today, LaPierre and Nugent met with reporters to outline their plans to ensure safety. LaPierre read the following prepared statement:

“First, make it mandatory that every U.S. citizen of any age be armed with one loaded Glock with ten additional full clips and a Bushmaster ACR modified to accept high capacity magazines. In addition, six hand grenades and four small nuclear missiles and a launcher. Also, an iPod, loaded with Ted Nugent’s superb albums Cat Scratch Fever, Free-For-All and Love Grenade. If citizens bear these arms, that will eliminate the potential for trouble.

Second, all public places should have at least one very heavily armed guard dressed like John Wayne in Rio Bravo, with a white cowboy hat. It’s very important that the hat be white. Good guys always wear white hats. Good guys can protect us, they need white hats. And guns–– lots and lots of guns!

Lastly, we need to enhance all rights associated with ‘stand your ground’ laws. If you even think that maybe your ground could be, possibly perhaps even thought to be a potential victim of being stepped upon, fire first and fire heavily. Find out the answers later.

We believe these measures are the only sensible way to ensure safety for all Americans. It is a rational response. These proposals are also in the spirit of what our forefathers wanted when they gave us the right to bear semi automatic high powered weapons and gonzo capacity clips,” said Mr. LaPierre as he folded his prepared statement and picked up a Bushmaster BA50. He gave reporters in the front row ‘the stink-eye.’

“Damn straight, whoa yeah, babe!” shouted a shirtless Ted Nugent standing by LaPierre’s side wearing strings of bullets crisscrossing his bare chest with a .50 Browning Machine Gun in one hand and a Bowtech Invasion CPX bow in the other.