Entries tagged with “no goodnik”.

He's so desperate, he's joined Facebook and LinkedIn

Following the assassination of Osama bin Laden in his Pakistan porn crib on May 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri became the acting leader of the no-goodnik al-Qaeda organization.

al-Zawahiri, long recognized as a dastardly mastermind but lacking in the charisma department, is reportedly fed up with leading the organization after almost four months.

“He’s had it,” said an insider close to al-Qaeda operations. “There’s too many meetings, too many PowerPoint presentations, too many forms to fill out and expense reports to sign. He’s toast, so he’s updating his resume and starting to network like crazy. He’s even joined Facebook and LinkedIn– he’s that serious.”

Reportedly the 60-year old leader is also fed up with not getting any respect within the organization. “He always lived in Osama’s shadow,” said a confidant, “and that hurt al-Zawahiri’s ego. He thought that when he took over he’d get some respect, but it hasn’t happened–– dude’s the Rodney Dangerfield of terrorists.”

Apparently al-Zawahiri is also concerned about the recent drone-induced death of the #2 al Queda official, Atiyah Abdul Rahman.

“They’re dropping like flies,” said the unnamed source, “and al-Zawahiri wants to get out while he can. Rumor has it he’ll even shave his face fur for the right opportunity.”

Did evil lurk along this hallway? Authorities wonder.

The Lint Screen has learned that authorities have apprehended a suspect in the gruesome killings of 246 people in the quiet social gaming community of Farmville.

The unnamed suspect had been staying at a Deep Discounter Inn in the nearby town of Shadyville. In an early morning raid Friday, the suspect was taken into custody after having been given a thorough police beating and a good talking-to.

Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton refused commenting on the case against the suspect except to say that “he could take a punch” and “he seems pretty guilty to me.”

“The no goodnik has lawyered-up, which means he’s probably guilty as sin,” said Chief Weatherton as he iced-down his fists. “We think we’ve definitely got our man. We can’t be spending all our time looking for a killer. We want to shut this case as quickly as we can and get back to farming and earning farm coins. This is an open and shut case as far as I’m concerned. If we have to slap the scales of justice upside his head to get a confession, we will.”