Entries tagged with “North Korea”.

The Glorious Leader is tired of his "bowl haircuts"

The Glorious Leader is tired of his “bowl haircuts

Ever since he’s taken over the leadership of North Korea, Kim Jong Un has had a bug up his ass about something. He has been cranky and irritable, threatening nuclear destruction, war and total annihilation of the United States and South Korea. Now we know why.

It’s his hair.

The Lint Screen had an exclusive interview with Kim Jong Un, the man who millions call “The Greatest Human Who’s Ever Lived And A Even A Little Better Than God” (they say this freely, or they’re imprisoned or killed).

“I demand the U.S. open some Supercuts in North Korea,” said the agitated dictator. “I am sick and tired of these stupid rice bowl haircuts I’ve been getting ever since I was a kid. They make me look dorky. I’m a cool rock star, baby. I want a shag cut or something more modern. I also want a Dippin’ Dots, a Montgomery Ward’s, a Zenith television set and a vibrating massage chair from Brookstone– I need to unwind after a day of leading my people. Bring me my demands, Obama, or you and your country will suffer my wrath!”

Your move, Mr. President.

Fritos has a special delivery for enemy states. Best straighten up & flight right!

The winner of the Iowa caucuses in the nonhuman presidential campaign is out to prove he’s no softy when it comes to foreign policy. Bag of Fritos released a statement today promising to “blow Iran to hell and back with nuclear bombs” if it is elected president.

“My diplomacy is do as I say or die. Any questions, Ahmadinejad? And China, you’re next. ‘Tear down that wall’–– of I’ll make it and you go up in a mushroom cloud! And listen up, little man in North Korea, I wasn’t afraid of your daddy and I ain’t afraid of you. Get in line toot-sweet or you’ll feel my disappointment as your face melts into your tiny hands. Same to you, Putin. You may have been elected leader, but trust me, you don’t want me stuffing your ballot box. In fact, all you foreigners best suck up quick after I’m sent to the White House!”

The Glorious Leader takes a bride, and it is the best thing that has ever occurred on Planet Earth!

In a surprising development, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has married a vegetable in a formal state ceremony. The country’s population has been ordered to celebrate joyously.

In a formal press release issued this morning, it was reported “The Supreme Leader has taken a bride of the utmost virtue and honor. The Father Supreme will now be Groom Generalissimo to a coveted creature who is the center and sole focus of his superbly excellent love and devotion. Our Benevolent Lord will be the most perfect husband ever to this adoring bride, and as an offering to her greatness, he has pledged to never cook her in a pot of boiling water. Truly, no man has ever loved as our Master loves!”

A cynical state department official said that the move by Kim Jong Il is “a desperate attempt to grab some limelight away from Moammar Gadhafi and Charlie Sheen. The North Korean leader is deadly afraid of not being the craziest person on the planet. This vegetable stunt should get him back in the race.”

Neither Gadhafi or Sheen could be reached for comment.