Entries tagged with “NSA”.

Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.

Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.

Officials with The National Security Agency announced today that Santa Claus (AKA: St. Nicklaus, Nicky The Saint, The Lapman, Fluffy Cuffs, The Chimney Packer, Make It Reindeer, Mr. In-The-Present) has been arrested and taken into custody and is being held in an undisclosed location (“Guantanamo,” a little bird told The Lint Screen over four fingers of Canadian Whiskey and two bumps of Peruvian Avalanche).

Claus had been under suspicion for some time and was nabbed as part of an elaborate sting operation in which NSA personnel posed as “good little boys and girls” who wanted him to come to their house late at night. The alleged children promised “cookies and milk” as bait.

“This Claus character has been the subject of a lot of chatter on the internet,” said an NSA spokesman, “and his name has been mentioned in countless phone calls we’ve intercepted over the past weeks. Obviously, his interest in children is disturbing and given his obsession with knowing who’s been bad or good, well, we thought we’d better take him in for goodness sake. This guy’s a primetime terrorist suspect and we certainly don’t need some whack job ruining Christmas for everyone.”

NSA source lacked potassium

NSA source lacked potassium

The National Security Agency reported today that it has launched a full scale investigation into a terrorist cell group located in the North Pole region.

“This could be huge,” said the unnamed source who stood in the shadows and spoke through a kazoo to scramble his voice.

The anonymous source said that the NSA has been monitoring “significant chatter” and “an avalanche of mail from children” being sent to the North Pole. “The weird thing is,” said the deep throat as he peeled a banana, “there isn’t even a post office there.” He then took a big bite of the banana. “Got to get my potassium.”

Asked if there were any details on when the terrorist group might strike, the shadowy figure shrouded himself in an invisibility cloak. “We’re pretty confident this group will mobilize on the evening of December 24.”

This reporter then heard footsteps running away before slipping on a banana peel. The intrepid reporter heard a body thump to the pavement and as a string of obscenities were shouted.

Take that, THE MAN! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Take that, THE MAN!
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

The Man has been trying to put The Lint Screen down.

We’ve experienced lots of technical difficulties over the past couple weeks with our site hosted on GoDaddy servers. Now maybe GoDaddy was taking all that server space to stockpile the brainpower necessary to create its Super Bowl spots known for their intellectual stimulation (among other forms of stimulation). Whatever, it just wasn’t working so well for TLS.

Or, it could have been the NSA dropping the hammer on all sites related to clothes dryers and their accessories. Why? It’s the government–– don’t ask, don’t tell.

So we’ve switched servers to HostGator and it appears all systems are go. Sorry for any difficulties you might have experienced, please stay tuned as we ramp back up to our irregular and irresponsible postings.

The Management
Sticking It To The Man

PS: Here’s something from our archives you may have missed. Enjoy.

Surveillance cameras reveal Al-Cowda infiltration into the United States. Be afraid!

The nation is girding its collective loins in response to new reports from The National Security Agency that Al-Cowda is posing a serious threat to the United States. The NSA has raised the security threat level from cool ‘n creamy soft amber to smokin’ hot, radiant pink.

“We’re just worried sick,” said Deputy Administrator Thomas Dundstun, “our intelligence is showing a significant infiltration of bovine enemy combatants on American soil. We’re not sure if they’re mildly upset cows, somewhat angry cows or mad cows. But they pose a very real and dangerous threat to homeland security.”

The NSA has captured pictures and video footage of cows being transported across state lines and in the parking lots of Cracker Barrels. “If these Al-Cowda agents are enjoying blueberry pancakes and crispy bacon, I fear for our way of life,” said Agent Edward Sustean. “If they’ve somehow managed to master opening small bottles of maple syrup with their hooves, I can’t imagine how much trouble they could cause if they set their evil minds to it. God help us all if they’re shopping in the Cracker Barrel gift shops. We could see a very real and serious shortage of Porter Wagner and Roger Miller CDs, not to mention candy sticks and adorable home decor bric-a-bracs!”

If you see any suspicious bovine activity, scream your throat raw, flail your arms wildly, run and dig a deep hole to crawl into and take cover.