Entries tagged with “Obamacare”.

Lenore speaks out on the harsh realities of a model's life

Lenore speaks out on harsh realities of a model’s life

In this third installment of The Lint Screen’s exclusive exposé on the mannequin community, a previously silent voice comes forward to tell the unvarnished truth of a life spent still.

“I see them across the way–– the young ones dressed in their Haute couture. They are so pretty, so sullen, beguiling and provocative.

Their skin is hard, not a wrinkle. Their eyes prisms to a bright future, one not clouded by the ravages of the years or concerns of what this cursed profession does.

But here I stand, hunched as a testament to the truth. I am a cold slap of reality across their pretty, firm faces.

Time has taken its toll on me, my better days behind, my future mired in doubt and the constant pall of depression and worry.

I am a sentry at attention as humanity passes by barely casting a glance, immune to my once irresistible beauty and charm.

Here stand I, alone. A remnant of what once was. The faded tail of a comet seeping into inky darkness. I sport fashions for the vericose vein set. I do not delude myself; I am a sad shadow of my former self.

Do not look away, my pretties across the way–– cast your stares into your inevitable futures! Look into my face and be absorbed by the tragedy that is time. Come and bear witness to its cruel effects. Your days will come, they shall.

For now, I work, until the maker comes for me to place me in the basement or attic with the others who have served their duties on this mortal coil, only to become discarded, poor souls in a perpetual state of anguish and despair.

Where, I wonder, where is my Obamacare?”

Spokesman Jay Carney attends spin class

Spokesman Jay Carney attends spin class

The White House has faced extreme media scrutiny and criticism over the failings of the Obamacare website launched last month. Today it held an official press conference to address these concerns.

Spokesman Jay Carney took to the podium with a prepared statement and fielded a barrage of questions from the press corps. Here the some highlights:
+ “Six people registered on the Obamacare website on the first day, which was incredible news. That’s six people more than registered on the previous day. It’s also an amazing accomplishment when you consider the quality of television programming these days.”
+ “Website problems are to be expected. When FDR launched Social Security, I’m sure he had lots of web hiccups. I’m no historian, but I’ll bet FDR Tweeted a lot about his frustrations launching the Social Security site. Tech problems are just part of the game.”
+ “We have been consulting with a guy named Chuck from Geek Squad about fixing the website. We’re pretty confident we’ll be getting the Obamacare website up to snuff soon.”
+ “On the good news front, we’ve developed cutting edge technology that’ll allow us to send out 412 emails a day soliciting funds to support the President.”

The Obamacare server is having some technical difficulties.

The Obamacare server is having some technical difficulties.

Now that the budget battle and political bickering is over, Americans interested in enrolling in the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) have been frustrated by little technical glitches, like the website not working. The Obama administration has jumped on fixing the system.

“It’s kind of embarrassing,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We’ve been telling people that government can do great things like make healthcare affordable for all Americans, but then the government can’t build a website. Meanwhile, Amazon knows if you’re even thinking about buying something and gives you fourteen suggestions.”

So far, investigators are flummoxed as to what is causing the technical difficulties. “We’ve been consulting with the technical expert heading up website operations, a tech wiz named T. Ed Cruz, but so far he’s been unable to find the problem. He said it could be a simple fix like a Microsoft upgrade. He’s looking into buying one on Amazon.”

An elderly Ohio couple fears for their lives

An elderly Ohio couple on the lam fears for their lives

To their eight grandchildren, Ester and Roland Oylingter of Wooster, Ohio are known as “Nanna” and “Pa-Pop”, but the grandkiddies haven’t seen the elderly couple since Sunday. Why? Obamacare.

With the Affordable Care Act, AKA “Obamacare”, going into effect on Monday, October 1, the couple fled their home on Sunday and are traveling anonymously across the country.

“We’d been watching Fox news for years, and we knew that Obamacare was going to fund death squads to kill grandparents like us,” said Roland in an exclusive telephone interview (from an undisclosed location).

“We’re not idiots,” added his wife shouting in the background. “We’re not about to sit around and wait to be killed! No siree, bob!”

Mr. Oylingter said the couple are worried about more than just their own impending death. “Obamacare is going to ruin our country. It’s going to bust our economy and our grandchildren will be sold into slavery to pay off our debt to our Chinese overlords. It’s also going to cause millions of people to die needlessly because government doctors will be poisoning people to keep rates low so we can open our borders for illegal aliens and insure them. I think Obamacare even covers al Qaeda terrorists. It’s also going to cause earthquakes and hurricanes, then Satan will be coming here his ownself to get some insurance and then turn our big green planet into a blazing inferno of hellfire and liberalism. How do I Know all this? Because I watch Fox. I ain’t no dummy.”