Entries tagged with “Ohio”.


Putin stole my trophy!

Putin stole my trophy!

Now that Robert Kraft has ratted-out Rooskie leader Vlad Putin as a no goodnik thief, I want to tell my story of how the commie head cheese stole from me.

It was April, 2004. I had been invited by the red bigwig because Facebook had recently been launched and the Vladster wanted to know if he should join–– and if so, what his “friending strategy” should be.

As was my habit back then, I traveled with my second place spelling bee trophy from the fourth grade class of St. Pat’s Elementary School in Hubbard, Ohio. Although I was a junior in high school when I had won the trophy, I was proud of my incredible accomplishment and recognition.

Anyway, I showed the trophy to Putin and he was impressed with its heft. “I could kill someone with this,” he quipped.

“Yes,” I said, “and then write a letter-perfect obituary for your victim.”

Vlad liked my joke and he crouched low and began doing that crazy Russin kicking dance. Then he kick-danced out the door with my trophy in hand. I went to follow him but six large K.G.B. agents surrounded me. “Bad idea, comrade,” one of them said to me. “Let it go, dude,” said another.

So I did nothing. Later at a meeting, I requested that the trophy be returned, but Putin just looked at me, cocked his head and said, “And you are?…”

Four years later, Putin finally did join Facebook and he “friended” me. I’ve yet to respond.

I want my Buster Buzzy Bee-Bee back!

Ohio goes Canuck, what will the political system do?

After being pummeled with non-stop political ads for months on end, pestered by pollsters and pundits, and being yammered at by candidates from both political parties, Ohio is calling off the jams. The Buckeye State has formally declared that it is no longer one of these United States of America. It is now officially a Canadian province.

“We had our fill, eh,” said former Ohio state representative Horace N. Hubbard. “The constant barrage of ads slinging mud, the never-ending parade of pols and their idiotic photo ops, the polling people and nonstop video remotes–- it just made life unbearable. We looked across Lake Erie and saw our solution: Canada, the most loved country on Earth. Good healthcare, virtually no gun violence, sane and cordial people. A country so confident in its inherit coolness, it even has a big ol’ honkin’ red leaf on its flag. So we decided to go for it, we Ohioans have become Canadians, eh.”

In celebration, Ohioans stormed polling places and broke all voting machines. “After they tried to suppress the vote,” said Becky Tumberdon a former election official, “we said to hell with it. Let the other 49 states decide who runs the country. We’ll be watching hockey and drinking good beer, eh.”

Both campaigns are at a loss with what to do with their free time now that Ohio has seceded. One campaign manager said that the candidates may scour Virginia in search of dirty pots and pans. “Candidates scrubbing seems to test very well with focus groups,” he said.

Presidential hopeful tragically gobbled to death. A nation mourns, hungrily.

Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death.

The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was immediately taken into custody by local authorities as Bag o’ Fritos’ Secret Service detail was M.I.A. Missing in sexy, sexy action! Anonymous sources reported that the Secret Service was interviewing local prostitutes behind closed doors.

“The agents seriously believe that ladies of the evening are always potential death threats, and since it’s their sworn duty to take one in the line of duty, they do whatever they have to do. It’s all about protection, and for safety’s sake, they usually use protection,” said the anonymous source as he thumbed his monogrammed shirt sleeve reading RLW (short for Robert Lawrence Worlythorten, III, of 612 West Market Street in Akron).

The young suspect who greedily ate Bag o’ Fritos was not identified, but local law enforcement authorities read the following prepared statement: “The dude was apparently whacked out on the goof with a major case of the munchies and he seriously needed some snackin’, so when he saw Bag o’ Fritos, he just like totally freaked and attacked. The Dude said he’s like seriously sorry but that the ex-candidate was the absolute winner of the race for total deliciousness.”

With Bag o’ Fritos eliminated and Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite recently withdrawing, the nonhuman presidential race is tightening. Stay tuned to The Lint Screen for all your in-depth reporting. It kind of what we do, what with our being serious journalists who sit at the Underwood with a lit Pall Mall danglin’ from our lips and half-eaten hamburger steak sandwich at our ink-stained elbows.

Watson has captivated cornhusker country, but good!

The newly announced presidential candidate, IBM’s brainiac computer, Watson, has jumped to the lead in the latest Iowa caucus polling.

Many attribute this to Watson’s smart move of saying he would “give huge corn subsidies to farmers– more money than they can possibly imagine, I’m talking fistfuls of benjamins, baby” and back a program for “100% ethanol– because the country needs more corn fuel and less Arab oil.”

Later, Watson proclaimed that “Iowa is the best four-lettered state in the nation in which three of the letters are vowels. And I mean that from the bottom of my motherboard.”

People in Ohio were upset at this statement and registered their complaints. A contrite Watson claimed he would have another statement to make after the Iowa caucus and before the Ohio primaries. He would not comment about what his statement might be.

This computer may be hard to beat.

The cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio leaves the presidential race in disgrace.

In a startling development, Mr. Tuggles, the cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio, has pulled out of the 2012 U.S. presidential race following recent allegations of “doing bad things, very bad things” to a mysterious cat.

Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles, issued a prepared statement at the press conference held this afternoon in Walpole, New Hampshire, where the Tuggles campaign was promising residents “people who don’t live free should die a thousand pain-filled deaths” and those that vote for Mr. Tuggles in the primary “will receive gold Rolex watches, house boats and Florida time shares” for their support.

In his statement, a tearful Ossenwold said, “Mr. Tuggles has decided to withdraw his bid for the highest office in the land due to personal, prayerful considerations. This decision in no way reflects the recent outrageous wild allegations of sexual improprieties made by a cat of loose morals. Mr. Tuggles is pure as the driven snow that has never been violated by a footstep,” said Ossenweld sobbing. “He was a contender, Mr. Tuggles was. He coulda been king of the world, I tells ya– king of the world!”

Ossenwold then collapsed at the podium as bored reporters stepped over his convulsing body to get on to the next juicy political story.

Is Mr. Tuggles a cold-blooded killer? Suspicions are raised.

As the heat of campaigning turns up, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for popular pup prez candidate, Santy Paws, today speculated that a dead bird discovered in a Canfield, Ohio yard may have been the handiwork of competing presidential candidate, cute kitty Mr. Tuggles, a Canfield resident.

“Look, lots of birds get done in by these cats with their anger issues,” said a visibly upset Sam Merchant. “I ain’t saying that Tuggles did gave this poor little birdie his angel wings, but then again I ain’t saying he didn’t or couldn’t. Fact is, even cute kittens have sharp teeth and quick razor claws that can kill. I think that the American public needs to remember that our great nation has never elected a cold-blooded killer into the oval office, and I for one couldn’t catch many winks at night knowing that I voted for a vicious murdering cat like Mr. Tuggles could very well be. We just don’t know what this baby wild beast is capable of doing. Let’s not elect a potential blood thirsty killer here! It won’t do our image diddly-squat.”

Merchant then announced that Santy Paws would hold a press conference tomorrow in an aviary in St. Louis.