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Ohio Secedes From The Union
After being pummeled with non-stop political ads for months on end, pestered by pollsters and pundits, and being yammered at by candidates from both political parties, Ohio is calling off the jams. The Buckeye State has formally declared that it is no longer one of these United States of America. It is now officially a…
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Bag o’ Fritos Eaten, Out of Race!
Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death. The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was…
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Watson Jumps to Lead in Iowa
Watson proclaimed that “Iowa is the best four-lettered state in the nation in which three of the letters are vowels. And I mean that from the bottom of my motherboard.” People in Ohio were upset at this statement and registered their complaints.
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Tuggles Pulls Out of Prez Race
In a startling development, Mr. Tuggles, the cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio, has pulled out of the 2012 U.S. presidential race following recent allegations of “doing bad things, very bad things” to a mysterious cat. Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles, issued a prepared statement at the press conference held this afternoon in Walpole,…
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Paws Claims Tuggles May Be A Killer
As the heat of campaigning turns up, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for popular pup prez candidate, Santy Paws, today speculated that a dead bird discovered in a Canfield, Ohio yard may have been the handiwork of competing presidential candidate, cute kitty Mr. Tuggles, a Canfield resident. “Look, lots of birds get done in by these…