Entries tagged with “Olympics”.


Locusts come from the Bible to Brazil, baby!

Locusts come from the Bible to Brazil, baby!

Poor, poor Rio de Janeiro. With the Summer Olympic Games a month away, the host city is experiencing some slight hiccups, like body parts washing up on the volleyball beach, and police and firefighters on strike, and waters containing super duper bacteria that eat antibiotics for a light snack, and skeeters carrying the deadly Zika virus, and Olympic facilities that are far from being completed, and an economy that’s tanking, and a public health crisis, and an infestation of crooked politicians.

Now, there are some new bumps in the road for the Rio games as the city is experiencing what Olympic organizers are calling “some unusual acts of God.” These include:
* Showers of rusty hypodermic needles falling from the skies randomly
* Geysers of hot bacon grease erupting from city streets
* Armies of lepers anxious to give relaxing backrubs
* Panic attacks
* Locusts, swarms of them everywhere– thick I tells ya, thick
* Exploding jock straps
* Packs of pissed-off jaguars looking for revenge
* Acne breaking out all over the place
* Rude restaurant waitstaff service
* A severe shortage of performance enhancing drugs
* Roving gangs of insurance salespeople aggressively pushing universal policies

Prospects for these games are so dismal, some members of NBC’s Olympics coverage team are bowing out. All-star Bob Costas has stated he will “hold court from a barstool at O’Malley’s Pub on the lower East Side of Manhattan. I’ll have a headset and a good view of the TV mounted in the corner, so it’ll be just like I’m in Rio.”

Al Michaels agrees he will be able to provide “exceptional coverage” from his living room. “I’ve got a sweet 65″ curved Samsung, I’ll see all the action and give my unique brand of color commentary, including reviews of my wife’s snack selections. Hope she brings some game to the cocktail weenies.”

Stay tuned, sports fans!

Embarrassment, shame and humiliation were back in the saddle again in ’72 Games

As The Games of The XXX Olympiad get underway in the London, The Lint Screen is proud to present a gold medal-worthy dose of Olympic Games trivia.

The Olympics were invented by Thomas Edison in 1892 as a way for his company, General Electric, to sell advertising time on its broadcast network called NBC. The first major sponsor was Dr. Genuflect’s Amazing Consumption, Diphtheria & Poliomyelitis Elixir. The company ran commercials with the famous slogan, “Take a spoonful or die.”

The 1896 Olympics ended tragically when all the athletes died of consumption.

In 1904, The Olympic Games were held in Rochester, New York. Jimmy “Legs” Killonry set a new world’s record running the first twelve minute mile. It is reported the crowd watching him had windburned faces after he passed by them.

Water was added to the 1912 Olympic Games held in Munich. Swimming events finally began to gain some popularity.

The 1924 Games held in Moscow are remember for the irresistible aroma of borscht that filled the air and a debilitating sense of gloom and dread that gripped all who attended.

History will never forget the 1936 Olympic Games held in Mexico City. Runner Jesse Owens from the U.S. beat Germany’s Adolf Hitler in all four races in which they competed. “He cheated,” claimed an enraged Hitler after the event. “He had more wind at his back and the ground was moving faster under his feet,” said a disgruntled Hitler as he kicked a brass spittoon across the floor and pouted. Many speculate this humiliating defeat led to WW II.

The 1960 Olympics held in Toronto are best remembered for its souvenirs. They were really cool with all kinds of pottery, cutlery and thimbles. Also, 12,432 new world records were set by an athlete from Mars named XOPLOWRQ ZAMBORDUK.

In 1972, embarrassment, shame and humiliation reigned o’er Chauncey Worthingshire IV when his Dressage gold medal was stripped upon the discovery that his horse was actually two men in a horse costume. “I thought I smelled cigar smoke,” the humiliated rider said. Both men within the suit smoked Cohibas. According to official Olympic rules, the men were taken to the glue factory and slaughtered.

The 1984 games were held in Toronto and are best remembered for Irishman Egor Rasmonovich, who pole vaulted a pretty incredible 236′ 4″, a record that still stands.

In 1992, the Games were held in Fiji. The athletes unanimously voted not to compete and “to chill” instead. Although world peace was achieved for 16 days, these Games had some of the lowest TV viewership in history.

The 1997 Olympic Games introduced Donkey Kong as an event. The U.S.A. dominated the competition. Suck it, rest of world!

Chimbote, Peru’s 2004 Olympic Games saw the unbelievable act of gold medalist Yancy Hububabba from Sweden as he won the 200 metre freestyle swimming event without using his arms or legs. These Games also are remembered for the delicious corn dogs, candy apples, carmel corn and funnel cakes served.

In 2008, the Olympics were held in China. All athletes were outsourced to China to save money. Amazingly, China only won one gold, one silver and three bronze medals, all made in China.

Now you know. Astound your friends, challenge your enemies– you are truly an Olympics Trivia Gold Medalist!

 

A wide mouth of loud mouth soup

A wide mouth of loud mouth soup

With the Olympics ready to kick off in China, I took a blistering run down Memory Lane to recall when the Olympics were held here in Atlanta and I had my own little enterprise called Scullin Communications. It was a time when I couldn’t keep the press or paparazzi out of my life, so I decided to go on the offensive and issue my own press releases to control the spin. The following four dispatches detail my actions and observations of those ’96 Olympic games. They are from a collection of press releases called “For Immediate Release” (published by copier machines nearby). Click on each for the story the press doesn’t want you to read (the Chinese can’t censor this cheese!). Enjoy.

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