Entries tagged with “Osama bin Laden”.


Deviled eggs tortured the evil maniac, Osama bin Laden. Good!

The Lint Screen has received more details about the contents of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary discovered in the raid on his pad last year, including the following startling entries:

– “Am sick and tired of all my friends sending me requests on Facebook to join Farmville. Why would I care to tend crops? Has the world gone nuts?”

– “Wanted to order some chinos from J. Crew, but for the life of me couldn’t recall my inseam size. Is this what growing older is all about, forgetting everything?”

– “Can’t recall the name of wife #4. Will just call her ‘snoogums’ and be done with it. Cursed, stupid, wretchedly useless brain!”

– “Constipated. Again. Deviled eggs and goat casserole do not agree with me.”

– “My porn collection feels far too familiar. Need variety. Amish?”

– “If it ever snows, I swear I’m making angel wings, then people will see I’m not such a bad guy.”

– “I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable, lonely and fat.”

– “Diary, you are only one who understands me. Maybe I should capture Dr. Phil.”

Diary proves bin Laden contemplated a surprising career change in later years.

The Lint Screen has received a copy of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary captured in the raid by Navy SEALs on his compound May 2, 2011. The unannounced visit resulted in bin Laden’s nagging painful death.

The details of the diary are surprising. The diary, measuring 4″ x 6″ has a shiny illustrated cover depicting unicorns and large doe-eyed children holding bunches of colorful balloons. bin Laden wrote in block letters at the bottom of the cover “KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU!

Some nuggets contained within include the following:
– “I feel fat. I look at my blubber butt in the mirror and just want to cry. I’m such a pig and I hate swine. I get so bummed, I eat another pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I feel better. Chunky Monkey make Osammy happy!”

– “Love those reruns of Andy of Mayberry. Otis the drunk cracks me up. Aunt Bea is kind of hot, too. And that Barney, he is something else! He’s smarter than Goober but not as sweet as Gomer. How I’d love to have terrorized that small town!”

– “Saw a spot for that Gillette Mach 3 razor. I may just chop this Brillo pad off my face. No, no I won’t. I have a weak chin and horrible acne scars. I am shamed, I am shamed.”

– “How I hate QVC. This place is filled with useless crap I’ve bought. How many chip and dip sets does one man need anyway?!”

– “I wish I were more like Horatio on “CSI: Miami”– I should get some shades. Maybe they have them for sale on QVC.”

– “Come on Weather Channel. Give me my ‘Local on The 8’s!’ Oh, here we are. Going to be hot as hell, again…”

More details will be released at a later date.

He's so desperate, he's joined Facebook and LinkedIn

Following the assassination of Osama bin Laden in his Pakistan porn crib on May 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri became the acting leader of the no-goodnik al-Qaeda organization.

al-Zawahiri, long recognized as a dastardly mastermind but lacking in the charisma department, is reportedly fed up with leading the organization after almost four months.

“He’s had it,” said an insider close to al-Qaeda operations. “There’s too many meetings, too many PowerPoint presentations, too many forms to fill out and expense reports to sign. He’s toast, so he’s updating his resume and starting to network like crazy. He’s even joined Facebook and LinkedIn– he’s that serious.”

Reportedly the 60-year old leader is also fed up with not getting any respect within the organization. “He always lived in Osama’s shadow,” said a confidant, “and that hurt al-Zawahiri’s ego. He thought that when he took over he’d get some respect, but it hasn’t happened–– dude’s the Rodney Dangerfield of terrorists.”

Apparently al-Zawahiri is also concerned about the recent drone-induced death of the #2 al Queda official, Atiyah Abdul Rahman.

“They’re dropping like flies,” said the unnamed source, “and al-Zawahiri wants to get out while he can. Rumor has it he’ll even shave his face fur for the right opportunity.”

Osama bin Laden had unfulfilled wishes before he kicked it.

In the stash of info and porn gathered from Osama bin Laden’s crib/compound on May 1, a rare insight into the madman was released today: his official personal bucket list.

In a world exclusive, The Lint Screen is pleased to present it in its entirety. (NOTE: The original list was in the angry kook’s handwriting, which was atrocious, on note paper that had leprechauns riding unicorns beneath vibrant-colored rainbows.)

OSAMA BIN LADEN’S SECRET BUCKET LIST
TOP SECRET!!!
DON’T READ– THIS MEANS YOU!!!!
SERIOUSLY, DON’T READ THIS!

1. To play Nathan Detroit in a Broadway production of “Guys And Dolls” or Tony in “West Side Story.” I know I can nail “Somewhere.”
2. Enroll in DeVry and get that degree in neuroscience or vinyl repair.
3. Eat 24 White Castles.
4. Get some killer porn– something with Debbie Reynolds maybe.
5. Start a new terrorist club: The Carefree Kidz
6. See the Grand Canyon. Blow it up.
7. Get a better driver’s license picture, one that doesn’t make me look so fat.
8. Appear on “Dancing With Stars,” tango like there’s no tomorrow.
9. Guest host for Leno.
10. Direct a feature.
11. Shake hands with Bono, sing “Pride: In The Name of Love.”
12. Defy gravity just once.
13. See Eiffel Tower. Blow it up.
14. Learn some bitchin’ guitar licks, shred like crazy.
15. Cut off this damned beard. Itches like fiberglass insulation with itching powder in it.
16. Find a wounded bird. Step on it.
17. Play the slots at Wynne, catch Garth Brooks, eat a steak and don’t even count calories!!!
18. See all the wonders of the world. Blow them up.
19. Work with Woody Allen or Adam West.
20. What was that noise I just heard? Is there someone in the house? It’s the middle of the night for pete’s sake. Are those soldiers? What are they doing here…

al Queda franchisees are lonely in a leadership vacuum.

The al Queda franchise has suffered a serious blow following the death of its leader, Osama bin Laden. The worldwide organization of evil is in turmoil with a vacuum of leadership.

“I pay my franchise fees, and I get bupkis is return,” said an unnamed al Queda operative. “I am very disappointed there is not a better succession plan in place. How am I supposed to keep my staff motivated if corporate is in such disarray? It’s a tragic situation.”

Across the globe, other al Quedaes express similar frustrations. “Osama bin Ladin was a great leader,” said a franchisee in a popular unnamed location. “He’d send us motivational videos and memos all the time. Even motivational posters with a picture of a cute kitten with its paws hanging from a rope and the words ‘Hang in there, baby!’ Very inspiring stuff. And now? Now I can’t even get a sign saying ‘Employees must wash hands before returning to their dastardly douchebag behavior.’ I mean, come on, how hard difficult is it to deliver on that?!

What many franchisees find most disappointing is the lack of creativity from corporate al Queda. “We just got our spring packet or terrorist promotional ideas. It was lame-o. More ideas like underwear bombs, prank phone calls, and bags of poop lit on fire and left at the front door of the White House after the doorbell is rung– it’s just nothing too inspired.”

While many have speculated things will be better once rumored #2 Ayman al-Zawahiri is elevated to replace bin Laden, some franchisees aren’t so sure. “Nice guy,” said one disgruntled franchisee, “evil as the day is long, but has the charisma of a sun-baked stone. Osama, he ain’t!”

Some al Queda franchisees say if they do not seem improvements soon, they may get out of the organization altogether. “Look,” said one unnamed member, “I could get better returns with a Smoothie King or Subway franchise. Corporate needs to get in the game or it’s going to lose some good people.”

Hubby Osama was hardly Mr. Popular with the ladies.

Osama bin Laden’s three wives have been subjected to extensive questioning by U.S. intelligence officials, and their observations are not flattering.

Ozzie was a pig,” says wife #1, “the man never picked-up after himself in his life. He was a total slob. His mother spoiled him rotten–a real mama’s boy, that one. And his personal hygiene? Forget about it. The guy stunk like a dipped skunk. He wouldn’t have known a stick of deodorant or a toothbrush if it bit him!”

Wife #2 agreed that bin Laden was no picnic to be married to. “Osammy was very introverted. He never shared his feelings or opened up his heart about anything. He never cried at movies like Titanic, Casablanca or Up. And when it came to birthdays and holidays, I never got so much as a card, let alone flowers or chocolates. He was pretty much a jerk, really.”

But wife #3 did think her ex excelled in one category. “Osama-Rama-Ding-Dong may have been the biggest creep who ever lived. He was a world class muttonhead. Always said he’d do some yard work or build shelves in the closet, or fix the wobbly leg of the end table, but he’d never get around to it. He’d spend all his time pouring over his stash of porn or watching himself on TV, like some egotistical Charlie Sheen-like mook. The dude was a total tool!”

None of the widows have plans to remarry.