Entries tagged with “Patrick Scullin”.


The diabolical one demands cities prove their worthiness.

Jeff Bezos, the mastermind behind retail behemoth Amazon, is delighted with the communities vying to become the second headquarters for his brainchild.

“238 North American communities lusted after us,” a smug Bezos told The Lint Screen. “We’re dangling 50,000 high-paying jobs, so they dropped their pants and detailed the tax breaks, land, perks, and concessions they’d give to get us. I’ve narrowed the list to 20 finalists and now the real fun begins!”

Bezos described the next stage of the selection process as The Plunder Games. “It will be highly competitive, vicious, and hopefully, very bloody. I want to see how badly each city wants my business.”

The company has designed a bracket system pairing off the 20 finalist cities and having them “fight to the death proving their worthiness.”

For example, Atlanta will battle Nashville, New York City faces Boston, Pittsburgh is pitted against Philadelphia, and Chicago fights Toronto.

“I made these match-ups specifically to get as much competitiveness as possible,” Bezos said, as he petted a white cat sitting in his lap. “I expect each city to wage war on its mortal enemy, and I want casualties. Big casualties. I demand the weak fall by the wayside so that only true champions prevail. And only victorious cities will make it to the next round.”

Bezos refused to disclose what the next round of The Plunder Games would entail, but promised it would be “epic.” He also disclosed all city battles would be filmed, edited, and shown later on Amazon Prime as a new series.

The Plunder Games will be huge! It’ll get great viewership. Death and destruction attract eyeballs,” Bezos said, with a maniacal laugh. “Viewers won’t know the winners until they watch all ten episodes. I’m as curious as anyone to see who will win! Let The Plunder Games begin!”

New book by president details secrets to a happy marriage

Michael Wolff’s breathless tell-all book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House has rocketed to the top of the bestseller list, but President Donald J. Trump is not retreating from the controversies detailed in it. Instead, he’s sharing his wisdom.

Random House announced it will soon be publishing a book penned by the president and Roger A. Reallygoodwriter titled The Art of The Happy Marriage.

“The president believes there’s too much fake news out there,” an unnamed White House source told The Lint Screen. “He was outraged Wolff’s book became so popular, and he thinks the author should be executed on live television–– ‘It will get great ratings,’ he said. He demanded Attorney General Sessions have Wolff killed, but Sessions told him he couldn’t legally do that. Trump was livid, stormed into his bedroom, and slammed the door shut.”

The insider said three days later, the president announced he had written a book for men on how to have a happy marriage.

“No one knows women better than I do,” Trump told his staff, “and for the good of America, I’m going to share my marriage secrets. And trust me, they’re tremendous. Incredible advice. The book will be so popular. Very popular. Amazingly popular. A bestseller–– much, much bigger and better than Wolff’s book. And I think Elania will be proud of me. It’s important that a wife is proud of her husband. And Elania is always very proud of me because I’m a very stable genius.”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded the president that his wife’s name was “Melania” not “Elania.” He snapped, “I knew that.”

Although no one has seen the manuscript, some of the chapter titles have been leaked to TLS:
– SHE IS ONE LUCKY LADY, LET ME TELL YOU
– HOLDING HANDS IS OVERRATED
– SEPARATE BEDROOMS GIVE YOU BOTH EXTRA SPACE
– YOUR SEX IS GOING TO BE GREAT––TREMENDOUS SEX, BELIEVE ME
– HOW TO TELL HER SHE’S WRONG
– EXPLAINING THAT YOUR AFFAIRS ARE JUST PRACTICE
– FLOWERS AND LACY THINGS CURE EVERYTHING
– TELLING HER TO STAND BY YOUR MAN–– ALWAYS!
– HOW TO BE THE WORLD’S MOST HUMBLE PERSON
– POINTING OUT HER MISTAKES
– TRUST IS EVERYTHING
– HOW TO TELL IF SHE’S CHEATING ON YOU

There has been no official word on the publication date.

Disgraced bloated racist comes begging at The Lint Screen.

The global offices of The Lint Screen were swarmed today by tens of thousands of angry protestors upset because the internationally renowned publication had interviewed unemployed Steve Bannon.

The tarnished former presidential advisor was foolishly hoping to get hired at The Lint Screen, a popular website known worldwide as “Where fake news gets real.”

“The editor felt sorry for Bannon,” an unnamed TLS staffer told this intrepid TLS reporter. “First, poor Steve got booted from the White House. Then, he got the bum’s rush out of Trump’s army of suck-ups. And now, Breitbart has thrown him to the curb like a spent Mickey’s Malt Liquor bottle. The guy’s as popular as herpes at the prom.”

“Bannon needs to stay the hell away,” said Peter Cessputin, a longtime TLS reader, and avid fan. “I like my Lint untainted, and Bannon, well, he’s nothing but a huge taint.”

“Breitbart is a joke,” said Paris Frunkey wearing an “I LOVE LINT” tee shirt. “Bannon’s slipshod journalism may fly over there, but The Lint Screen has a much higher standard.”

The Lint Screen security staff tried for hours to disperse the agitated crowd, then called The National Guard. Its soldiers used tear gas, rubber bullets, and nightsticks upside protestor noggins to scatter the mob and restore order.

And that, dear reader, is how you’re able to read this timely dispatch.

TLS forever! Mr. Bannon, we’ve heard McDonald’s is hiring–– make some deliveries to The White House and that may get you back in the president’s good graces.

Mental giant on the world stage is also a creative genius.

President Donald J. Trump is proud of his new nickname for Steve Bannon–– “Sloppy Steve”–– but a dumpster dive at The White House by The Lint Screen reveals some other names that were in the running.

What follows is a list of rejected Bannon nicknames created by the man known worldwide for his sanity and his smarts! The list was on six crumpled sheets of presidential letterhead found in a trash bag from the West Wing (pages had ketchup stains attesting their authenticity).

— Sloppy Bannon
— Trash Bannon
— Stevie Junk
— Not Too Tidy Steven
— Stevie Pig Pen, Like In Charlie Brown
— Charlie Brown
— Snoopy
— Cute dog in a comic strip
— Steve Pigsty
— Little Steven
— The Boss, wait, I’m the Boss!
— Crooked Steve (note: CHECK AND SEE IF I’VE USED ‘CROOKED’ FOR ANYONE)
— Stubble Steve
— Won’t Shave Bannon
— Never Knew A Close Shave Steve
— No Razors Steve
— Whiskers McGee
— Dresses in Layers Bannon
— Two Shirts Steve
— Breit-fart Bannon
— Loose Lips
— Mr. Big Blabbermouth
— Mr. Can’t Keep A Secret
— That Sloppy Guy in THE ODD COUPLE–– what’s his name, not the neat one, the really sloppy one–– it’ll come to me
— Felix The Cat–– NO, THE OTHER GUY–– THE SLOPPY ONE!
— Oscar Meyer
— The Oscars
— James Madison
— Madison, Wisconsin
— Sloppy joes
— I’m hungry, think I’ll get some Big Macs and Filet of Fishes
— Steve who is sloppy
— Steve sloppy
— Sloppy Steve–- THAT’S IT! PERFECT!!! I AM A GENIUS!!! TIME FOR A HAPPY MEAL!!!!! BIG MACS, FISHIES, SHAKE, FRIES, KETCHUP!!! ME HUNGRY!!!

The USA’s #1 fee-chaser talks bud

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III sat down with The Lint Screen to discuss his recent decision to allow federal prosecutors to impose a stricter enforcement of marijuana laws in states where cannabis has been legalized.

“I don’t mean to harsh anyone’s buzz,” said the 71-year-old lawmeister. “I mean, I’m chill, dig? But I think it’s high time––” the diminutive man began giggling. “Dude, I said ‘high’ talking about maryjane-wanna. Cripes, gee, I’m killing myself here!” He began chortling uncontrollably.

While the pixie collected himself, this reporter did some lawn work, took a warm bath, then watched The Godfather trilogy. Upon returning, Sessions finally regained his elf-like composure.

“What I meant to say was wacky tobaccy is a gateway drug. And that gateway is the gate to enter hell! And believe you me, down there, ol’ Satan can torch your spliff lickety-split!”

The country’s top ambulance-chaser ripped open a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and totally annihilated it. He burped a yellow stink fog and continued.

“Herb be bad, man. Word. I’ve heard tell of dudes so crunked, baked outta their noggins, they woke up with dry blood on their hands and a bunch of dead prosties on the floor. They had no memory of what went down. How gone is that, man? It blows my mind, bro.”

The torts mouthpiece ripped open a big bag of Dinamita Fiery Habanero Doritos and began cramming fistfuls of them into his gaping yob.

“Doo-doo gonna get real, I’m telling you. Doo-doo gonna get real.”

The CDC feels confident in funding efforts

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta wants their federal budgetary overlords to know they’re serious about getting funding.

CDC officials were recently told to avoid inflammatory language like “science-based,” “fetus,” “evidence-based,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “vulnerable,” and “entitlement” when submitting 2019 budget initiatives.

“We have some critically important research studies that need funding,” Dr. Samual R. Lorthon, a CDC department head told The Lint Screen. “If it’s simply a matter of changing the language to secure G.O.P. budget approval, then, we’re ready to play ball.”

Dr. Lorthon detailed some of the proposed CDC studies for 2019:

“A Study Linking Crooked Hillary With Causing Deadly Diseases”

“Dealing With Pandemics–– God’s Vengeance to Smite Sinners!”

“The Healthy Americans First Study! Let’s Get Physical”

“Fixing Gastroenteritis: Satan’s Tum-Tum Attack”

“Effects of Nuclear Weapons on Unlucky People After Attacks From Little Rocket Man”

“The No One Knew Healthcare Could Be So Complicated Study”

“Stopping That Doggone Salmonella!”

“Praying Away E-coli”

“How to Make America Great Again With Modern Medicines”

“God Helps Them That Helps Themselves–– Illness is Your Fault, Deal With It And Toughen Up!”

“Research Into No-Collusion Colon Ailments”

“Don’t Like The Private Parts The Good Lord Gave You? Who Do You Think You Are?! Get Happy With The Junk You Got.”

“Exorcising Streptococcus From Thy Body”

Dr. Lorthon said he felt confident the CDC would secure its funding. “If we don’t, there will certainly be some collateral damage. But, if that’s what it takes to weed out our country’s weaker links, so be it! The government can’t be a nanny state.”