Entries tagged with “Patrick Scullin”.


The soon-to-be launched iPhone 8 is a throw-back to a simpler time!

The Lint Screen has obtained an actual prototype of the long-anticipated Apple iPhone 8, and it is surprising.

The new phone model reflects a decidedly retro look and feel. “Tim Cook felt the iPhone design was getting stale,” said an anonymous Apple insider. “Tim is looking to finally make his mark on the company Steve Jobs built, and the iPhone 8 represents his brave vision.”

It most certainly does!

The “wireless cell phone” is dubbed “The Brick” by Silicon Valley technocrats. One engineer told TLS, “The Brick was designed to take users back to a simpler time when the country wasn’t so divided and run by maniacs, and Mother Nature didn’t hate humanity with a vengeance. Cook thinks Jobs would love the idea of using technology in service of humanity’s happiness and well-being.”

The iPhone 8 will feature an analog voicemail using “really small cassette tapes that make the user feel like he’s a secret agent!”

Unlike previous iPhones, this model will not have a screen or a camera, or the ability to access the internet.

“It’s a bold move on Apple’s part,” said an industry expert, “but Cook feels strongly that all these technological advances have just made people more depressed when they realize how sucky the news and modern life is. The iPhone 8 will allow users to escape the existential hell of our reality.”

The new iPhone 8 will retail for $1,099, and as the tech expert said, “That’s a small price to pay for sanity.”

Hill tells all, and a nation is gripped.

The Lint Screen has obtained an advance copy of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming book, “What Happened” and proudly presents some choice excerpts.

“Woke up in Burlington, Vermont. We had breakfast at Ed’s Diner. The media coverage was minimal–– a high school newspaper reporter, a ‘shock-jock’ doing a live remote, and a PBS station manager filming with his iPhone. To add insult to injury, my toast was burnt! I was very disappointed, and I know it was Bernie’s fault. Vermont is his country, and I know he has it in for me. Why won’t he drop out? This is my turn!”

“Bernie is promising nothing but candy to voters. I’m giving them straight talk–– a little sugar with a vinegar chaser. People respect that.”

“Big rally in Brooklyn today. Had a great turn out, but the microphone was faulty. I got some audio feedback during my speech. It was very disturbing. The crowd seemed completely captivated with my charismatic articulation and framing of complex policy issues and global leadership strategies, but then there’d be some feedback, and I seemed to lose them a bit. I suspect Donald is behind this. It would be just like him to sabotage me.”

“Attended Iowa State Fair today. I took a big bite of pork sandwich for the classic photo-op, and the meat had gristle. It was very chewy. I smiled through it, but I suspect Bernie had something to do with the incident.”

“Deb (Debbie Wasserman Schultz) suggested on the plane we take a campaign trip to Wisconsin and Michigan next week. I told her there was absolutely no need for that, we have white working people in the bag. I laughed–– they’d never vote for a rich guy like Donald.”

“Did the ‘Ellen’ show today. Put on some dance moves that should seal the deal with the female vote. I’m feeling confident, starting to think about White House decorating ideas. Chintz?”

“Spoke to Chelsea today, she is very excited! She told me to keep my Oval Office chair warm–– she’s starting to plan her run! We’re like royalty!!!”

“Tape released today of Donald saying extremely vulgar things about ‘lady parts.’ Unbelievably crude! This HAS to seal the deal! No woman in her right mind would EVER vote for a creep like him. I thought about canceling the rest of my campaign stops (it’s very tiring), but Bill encouraged me to continue. Who would think Donald is sleazier than Bill, for Pete’s sake?! Amazing!”

And so on, for 512-pages.

Sister Ellen Marie Grace is charged with controlling Trump

The only constant in the Trump White House is constant change.

Recently appointed chief of staff Gen. John Kelly announced today he has a new member on his team, Sister Ellen Marie Grace, a retired 86-year-old Catholic nun from St. Mark’s parish in Baltimore.

“I’ve fought in wars,” Gen. Kelly said, “but I’ve never seen the destruction, carnage, and sheer terror of this presidency. So, I’ve called in the big guns–– Sister Ellen Marie Grace.”

“Donnie is certainly a mischievous scamp,” the nun told The Lint Screen. “He’s a classic attention seeker, acting all high and mighty. If he thinks he can get away with his shenanigans with me around, well, he has another thing coming.”

The good sister has an arsenal of weapons she will deploy if necessary. “I will not tolerate disobedience,” she said. “When Donnie obeys Satan, I will exorcise the demon from him. I have a ruler made from an ancient sequoia tree, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

The nun reaches to her holster, smacks the palm of this reporter’s hand, and returns the ruler into the holster in the blink of an eye. (My palm is still red, the pain throbbing.)

Sister Ellen Marie Grace continued. “I also have a sixteen-ounce blackboard eraser I’ll make him hold in his outstretched sinful hand for hours at a time. That eraser gets awfully heavy over time. If these disciplines don’t work, I will have him kneel on gravel and draw a circle on the bottom of the blackboard. ‘Lil Donnie will place his nose inside the circle as he contemplates his many sins. I’ll wait however long it takes for him to straighten up and fly right!”

The good sister said she will also confiscate his smartphone. “If Donnie thinks he’s going to Twitter with me around, he is sadly mistaken! I’ll beat some shame into him if need be!”

The nun was most recently used as a consultant for interrogation techniques at Gitmo.

An anxious nation waits to see what effect she will have in the current administration.

Nation gets “laff-riot” to boost spirits

No one can accuse Donald J. Trump of not being a great leader. The president announced today that he is appointing a new cabinet member in a newly created government position–– Secretary of Fun!

White House spokesman Cleve Norburton told The Lint Screen the president was taking action to counter the claims of the fake news about Trump’s low approval ratings.

“The president resents the awful lies written about him,” Norburton said. “In the president’s own polling, he found his approval rating is a full one-hundred percent ecstatic support! People think he’s doing a tremendously incredible job of making America great again. But, because he’s concerned some people might actually believe the fake news, he decided the country needed something to cheer them up–– a Secretary of Fun!”

In the new position, Giggles the Clown will raise the nation’s spirits by providing a “laff riot of calamity, mayhem, and wacky hijinks to beat the band.”

“President Trump is known for being a jovial fellow, fostering good cheer and uniting people wherever he goes,” Norburton said. “And Giggles will be an extension of the fun times the president is bringing all Americans.”

There was no background provided on Giggles the Clown, although Norburton swore: “he’s a real hoot.” The spokesman confided, “If that joker asks you to pull his finger, don’t do it!”

World’s greatest doc gives Prez clean bill o’ mental health

As the hub-bub continues over the erratic behavior exhibited during the Trump presidency, some have called into question the mental fitness of the Commander-in-Chief.

“Anyone who says that is crazy,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Lint Screen. “We had the world’s greatest doctors, Dr. Harold Bornstein, who happens to also be the President’s personal physician, administer a thorough mental capabilities test. It even had those sexual ink splotchy-things. And the Skipper passed with flying colors.”

Indeed. In the report shared with our editorial staff, the notes of the esteemed physician are glowing.

“President Trump is fitter than a fiddle in every possible way,” Dr. Bronstein wrote. “He is perhaps the greatest physical specimen and mentally superior human being on the planet. He went to excellent schools, got tremendous grades, dated the most beautiful women, lives in wonderful places, and works in the Oval Office. We should all be so crazy!”

The medical report had a picture of a smiling face with LOL! written under it.

The report continued: “Does Donald John Trump have his full mental faculties? Absolutely. Is he out of cuckoo nut-brain? No!!! In my professional opinion, the President is the sanest human ever, without a doubt. And I gave him a lollipop for being such a good boy!”

The prez gives TLS a good verbal licking

Last night, at his pep rally in Phoenix, President Trump told supporters, “Don’t believe the fake media. Everything they say is a lie. Everything! I know. It’s all fake, especially The Lint Screen.”

Trump’s complexion changed from orange to red as he continued.

The Lint Screen has been very unfair to me. Very unfair. Too many people rely on it for their news, well you know what–– they’re dumb. It’s fake. Totally fake news! Believe me!” The crowd erupted in cheers.

“I know some people still think The Lint Screen has quality journalism. That it’s unbiased. Well, they’re wrong! Dead wrong. It’s junk. Trash. If it was printed on paper instead of being online, you wouldn’t even wrap your garbage with it! It’s bad–– very, very bad! Horrible.”

The audience cheered and began a wave as beach balls with swastikas were hit into the air and passed throughout the crowd.

“And that is why The Lint Screen is failing. Failing miserably. Completely tanking. The Lint Screen? Give me a break–– I call it The Loser Screen!”

The crowd stood, applauded wildly and gave high fives as Trump moonwalked across the stage and attempted a split. Secret service agents quickly picked him up and brought him back to the microphone where he continued his pep talk for the next six hours.