A low pressure blast from the past, still on the job in many restrooms. It's so yesterday.
If you’re one of those people who washes his/her hands after going to the bathroom (and we all sincerely hope that you are), you may have noticed a revolution of modernity in public restrooms.
It’s not electric eye-triggered soap dispensers and water facets– which are typically spotty in performance, or robotic toilet tissue dispensers “May I assist in wiping, please, master?”
No, the real revolution is in hand drying.
Yes, hand drying.
It used to be that the Globe Hand Dryer was the pinnacle of hot air-blowing technology, but now it has been blown to the sidelines by a beast that calls itself Xlerator.
This baby blows air like a politician on the campaign trail.
The marvel comes in white and hi tech brushed aluminum and expels air like an F-15 engine that’s riled to rip some serious stratosphere.
If you’ve encountered the Xlerator, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Place your wet hands beneath its nozzle and watch as your skin and flesh do their best to stay attached to your skeleton. While the old World Dryer purred with a kitten’s warm breath, Xlerator roars like a ferocious lion. It devours wetness.
This baby means business and wet hands don’t stand a chance. “Get dry, bitches! DRY!”
Xlerator is one of the true wonders of the 21st century. It’s what George Jetson might use to dry his hands.
We’ll assume Rosie may have helped him with the toilet tissue duties.
Is this proof of clean waters in the Gulf of Mexico, or proof of a massive Presidential cover-up?!
BP has found a new scapegoat for the April 20 Deepwater Horizon catastrophic explosion and oil spill–– President Barack Obama.
Capitalizing on Obama’s slide in approval ratings, a BP company spokesperson said anonymously that the President’s recent swim in the Gulf with his daughter Sasha may have been a clever ploy to divert attention away from Obama’s culpability in being responsible for the oil spill.
“Look, I’m not saying President Obama did cause the oil spill,” said the spokesperson, “but I am saying that his swimming in the gulf to prove that it’s clean is exactly the sort of stunt someone who did mastermind the horrific oil spill would have done to cover-up his dirty tracks. I mean, come on, everyone knows how smart the President is–– isn’t this just the kind of brilliant ploy you’d expect from a diabolical genius? And to make your cute daughter an accomplice, well, that is just sheer Alex Trebeck-kind-of-smart. Let’s face it, we’re not even sure if Obama is even a citizen of the U.S.A. or if he’s an Islamic terrorist or an insurance salesman–– who knows what evilness he’s capable of!”
The spokesperson said BP would honor its commitment of $20 billion for cleaning up the oil spill. “We’re just good folks going a good job, and we’re more than happy to help people because we think people who need people are, well, the luckiest people in the world. And we’ll protect these people from the Obama monster.”
A gun offers protection and makes a dandy bookmark.
In Georgia, like many states, we seek protection against the devil and his kin.
So, I’m happy to report we recently passed laws to make it legal to take your firearms with you to church. This means you can keep your sidearm close at hand as you rifle through the Good Book.
It’s about time.
Some say places of worship should be quiet, contemplative and peace-loving, but that’s just the way Satan likes to bait his hook. You’re sitting there with hands folded in prayer and SHAZAM, here comes some nutcase with an AK-47 who wants to kill everyone because his 8-track player broke while he was listening to Black Oak Arkansas or he thinks Glenn Beck told him to extract justice any way he sees fit. Well, Churchie McPeacie, there you are–– an easy target. You’re a sitting duck in a pew about to be bullet fodder!
But if you’re packing heat, you can take that evil-filled varmint down toot-sweet and get back to asking God to go easy on the sixth commandment because it was self defense, after all. While you’re at it, you might ask if He’d givith you a few number tips for the PowerBall lottery, or some pony picks in an upcoming race.
Pass the collection plate and pass the ammo, Sister!
Guns in places of worship make perfect sense in these crazy times. But please, remember that silence is golden and also remember the golden rule.
Kindly refrain from firing your guns into the ceiling when services are complete. It sends a bad signal.
Ten months after painful hip replacement surgery (read all about it in a revealing 19-part series in the ‘Hip Replacements’ category of The Lint Screen), post production has finally been completed on the sequel to “The Beard”, a stunning new art film entitled “Le Hair de Hip” exploring one man’s dilemma with another man’s facial hair.
Grab the Milk Duds and enjoy the film. Be sure to stay through the credits, give your review and share this little video like corn on the cob at a fiddle competition.
The happy loving couple done got hitched real good!
I suppose it was kind of a big deal to be one of “Triple-A” guests invited to attend Chelsea Clinton’s fab $3 million wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, but if you’re invited you can’t exactly give the ol’ ‘hi-hat’, especially if you’re an F.O.B. and F.O.H.
So, off to Rhinebeck, New York we went.
For a wedding gift, we weren’t sure where the couple was registered so we went with the failsafe gift every newlywed couple needs and loves: an Oster Waffle Iron. As an added bonus, we gave a mouse pad with a cute illustration of a pelican and the clever saying “Who wants fish for supper? I do!”
Cute, meet practical! You just can’t go wrong with the classics.
Here are seven observations about the Clinton affair, er, Clinton daughter wedding.
1. The ceremony was beautiful. The happy couple exchanged vows that included some lyrics from Air Supply songs, Dr. Phil books and helpful tips from Chilton Auto Repair Manuals.
2. Some of the guests in attendance were surprising: Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls, Burt Reynolds, Mary Cheney, Jack Klugman, Eminem, The San Diego Chicken, Marion Barry, James Gandolfini, Paula Dean, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin, Jon “Bowzer” Bauman from Sha Na Na, Donald Sutherland, Seve Ballesteros and Ron Popeil.
3. I think $3 million would get you better fare than rigatoni and meatballs, tossed salad, green beans and steamship round beef with mini rolls. The Pepperidge Farm cookies were a nice touch though.
4. Having a cash bar seemed a little tight-fisted also. I suppose most of the $3 million went into wedding planning. Those people are pricey.
5. The cake was magnificent; I’m thinking Duncan Hines at the least. Only problem was that the decorator couldn’t spell and wrote Congradulations instead of Happy Wedding Day, Y’all!”
6. It may have been the wildest hokey-pokey and chicken dances I’ve ever seen. That Bill Clinton can cut him some rug, and Hillary doing the limbo– classic!
7. A good time was had by all, except Ron Popeil. Apparently he wasn’t the only one giving a Showtime Rotisserie for a wedding gift.
If you’ve ever poked around the ol’ Lint Screen, you may have come across a section called ‘About da Blog.’ Much like any good mission statement, this page clearly sets forth the Raison d’être (French for ‘Raisin Bran’) of this intellectual public forum. This page also includes a request for pictures of squirrels dressed as blacksmiths, for no other reason than I had never seen one and thought the rest of humanity might enjoy rodents dressed as metallurgical artisans.
Lo and behold, a few pictures came forward, and now the world can see these wonders. Now, one of the masters of squirrel art has forged beyond blacksmithing to ‘squirrel dentistry.’ Mr. Scott Day, a young man looking to make a name in the marketing world, recently shared the following image for me and for you.
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