No more free oil, America, but you can enjoy unbelievable 50% savings! Fill 'er up!

BP, Halliburton and Transocean, the three companies responsible for construction of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig that exploded on April 20 and has been leaking millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico since, have decided enough is enough. They are billing the U.S. Government for potential income lost as a result of the accident.

“We are sick and tired of everyone playing the ‘blame game’ with us,” said an anonymous legal spokesperson for the three companies. “The fact of the matter is we are losing a fortune in potential revenue because this unfortunate incident occurred, not far from the United States. Since the oil will eventually wash ashore to the U.S. mainland, we believe we are entitled to fair compensation. Let’s face it, savvy individuals will most certainly collect the crude oil and refine it at home. Essentially, it’s like BP, Halliburton and Transocean are giving America free gasoline! We can’t possibly do that, we’d go out of business.”

The spokesperson stressed that the companies have agreed to give the government a substantial quantity discount for the oil.

“Our invoice to the government for the Deepwater Horizon boo-boo reflects a substantial 50% discount on the current market value price for a barrel of crude oil. We believe this discount shows our serious commitment to enhancing the quality of life for all Americans–– a plucky lot who enjoy good do-it-yourself projects like making your own gasoline.”

When asked if the spokesperson was serious, he said, “Absolutely. You’re welcome, America. Our little accident is your good fortune. Enjoy!”