The new face of America will be hard to recognize.

The political grandstanding in Washington has resulted in a game of chicken with neither side blinking and our foreign creditors looming outside our door twirling their handlebar mustaches and laughing evilly. But citizens, do not think Washington is broken!

In a bold and decisive move, both the House and Senate have unanimously approved a bill that would purchase an ingenious disguise for every American to wear after we miss our debt payments and have to go into what economists call “severe deadbeat status.”

“It’s a plan that everyone on the Hill likes because we don’t have to raise taxes, close tax loopholes, cut any spending or do anything that will cost us political capital,” said an anonymous House Representative. “When our creditors come looking for us to get their money, every American can simply shrug and say we don’t know where all the Americans went– we’re new in this country. It’s foolproof really. The only fly in the Vaseline is how we’re going to raise the money needed for 311,884,965 fake glasses and mustaches. Fortunately, we’ve been able to secure a special government discount on these for only $42.35 each from a subsidiary of Halliburton. We’ll find the money, I’m sure!”