The Lint Screen

     A despondent Bernard Madoff is reportedly on suicide watch.  He’s been trumped, by a mannequin.

    The magical Greek fishing cap that bestows instant Fonzie coolness to its wearer has finally surfaced and landed on the noggin of a mannequin working at a Beall’s Department Store in Port Arthur, Texas. The cap was owned by a deposed Nigerian prince and Bernie Madoff paid the prince’s lawyer $50 billion for the cool headgear (plus a few extra million for shipping and handling)… all to no avail. The mannequin received the surprise package yesterday and has refused comment on how the Greek fishing cap came into his possession. Authorities did not press the issue since the mannequin “looked so wicked cool we didn’t want to be pests or anything.”

      “This just isn’t fair,” said an angry Madoff, “I paid my good hard-earned money and I’ve got nothing in return. Nothing! I’ve lost everything I owned to a charlatan. There ought to be a law against these kind of shenanigans!” Madoff said as tears streamed down his face and mucus trickled from his furry nostrils, grossing out reporters and bystanders alike. “There oughta be laws against this,” blurted Madoff as ear wax leaked out of his audio caves. Reporters and bystanders hurled.

    Meanwhile, the mannequin has become an instant celebrity with people making pilgrimages to see him and bask in his utter uber-coolness. Some who have witnessed the mannequin in Greek fishing cap claim he is “even cooler than Fonzie was”, while others say the mannequin is “cooler than Potsie, Ralph, or Ritchie, most def, but maybe not quite Fonzie cool. Well, O.K., maybe Fonzie cool but not cooler.”

    Madoff yearns to travel to Port Arthur to see for himself but cannot travel due to his house arrest. Irony police are standing watch on him. The world exhales and life goes on.

    Bernie Madoff, the notorious Wall Street huckster under federal investigation for scamming $50 billion from investors, may have been delivered his karmic comeuppance. 

    Madoff claims to have recently received an e-mail from an attorney representing a Nigerian Prince. The attorney stated that the deposed Prince was in exile and in desperate need of cash to buy back the throne that was his birthright.

Madoff just wanted Potsie's respect, and was willing to pay for it!

    The attorney stated the Prince was willing to sell something he owned that was much more valuable than “mere money” in order to raise the required capital–– “it’s a magic Greek fishing cap that makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.”

    The mysterious attorney claimed all the Prince wanted for the magic Fonze Greek fishing cap was $50 billion. No taxes, no hidden fees, no surcharges. 

    Madoff said he lept at the chance to secure the valuable item. “I’m a big Fonzie fan and always wanted to be just like him. I mean, come on, to have Ritchie, Potsie, Ralph, Mrs. C., Chachi and the whole crew look up to you–- aaayyy, get outta ‘ere, who wouldn’t want that, ehhhh?!”

    So, Madoff did as instructed and wired the attorney representing the Nigerian Prince $50 billion. “It was pretty much all the money I had, except for a couple million bucks walking around money that I keep in trouser and jacket pockets. But it’s been four weeks and I still haven’t received the magic Fonzie Greek fishing cap,” said a crushed Madoff. “I hope this Nigerian Prince’s lawyer is on the level. I’d hate to think I was taken advantage of. Hey, Nigerian Prince’s lawyer, if you’re reading this, come on, give up the Greek fishing cap, aaayyyyy!”

    With that, Madoff awkwardly thrust a thumb into the air and poked himself in the left eye. “Owwww,” he said, “that hurts. Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”