The Lint Screen

Last week, President Obama admitted that he had learned on TV news about the scandal involving the Internal Revenue Service’s systemic targeting of conservative groups. He said he had no prior knowledge, only what was said on the news. When reporters expressed disbelief, White House sources report that Obama vowed to become even more aware of what was going on in the nation. To that end, the President has been consuming a steady diet of nothing but news feeds from FOX, CNN and MSNBC.

Obama has been alarmed to learn the following from these distinguished news sources:
— Barack Obama is not the legitimate President since he was born in Kenya and educated by Al-Qaeda in a Pakistan cave and at any moment a computer chip implanted in his skull may be activated and he will become radicalized and demand all citizens to turn their weapons over to the government and lie on their backs while they are literally taxed to death

— Obama is the greatest president ever and all Republicans are slime-sucking hypocritical racist idiots filling their heads with the insipid drivel of Rush, Hannity and Beck

— The Twitterverse is rockin’ the news and that’s totally awesome!

— Ronald Reagan was the greatest President ever because he cut taxes for the wealthy and the riches have been trickling down ever since and the only thing that ruined Reagan’s economic boom was Bill Clinton’s Satanic immorality and Barack Obama’s determined systematic undermining of the American economy ensuring that future generations will be indentured servants to their Chinese overlords

— Gun background checks are the worst breach of freedom ever enacted on any people anywhere

— Michelle Obama wants to control the diets of our children and turn them all gay so that we will never procreate and humanity will whither away

— A hologram of a seated Obama with his head in his hands is a great way to depict what the President might be going through during the numerous scandals rocking his administration

— The I.R.S. is a Russian spy organization that funds background checks on firearms

— obamasgottago983 thinks that Obama has destroyed the American economy by giving poor people free cars, steak and lobster dinners and free healthcare

— Plans are underway to include Obama’s face on Mt. Rushmore, but Republicans will most likely filibuster its funding

— Our forefathers had it right: every American should be armed to the teeth and missionary is the only position for a God-fearing people

Sources say Obama may try binge watching episodes of “Petticoat Junction” to clear his head.

In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.

“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”

The war is won. Done and doner! Cue the ticker-tape parade.

After a bombing run late last week, the Man in The Moon has officially surrendered to its overlord, Planet Earth.

“Look, man,” said a contrite Moon, “I don’t know what I did to get you guys so hacked off, but I catch the drift– ‘uncle,’ I give up. You guys are boss.”

The Moon was surprised and shocked to discover that the United States of America’s NASA orchestrated the bombing mission.

“The same morning I get bombed, I hear that President Obama wins The Nobel Peace Prize. WTF?! Where’s the justice in your world anyway? He bombs me and gets a Peace Prize? I don’t get you people at all, man.”

Now that we own The Moon, who’s up for colonizing? C’mon, people!