No dice for “The Lint Screen” because the whole damn thing is rigged and the fix was in.
The world still may not be breathing following the shocking news that The Lint Screen did not receive any 2016 Pulitzer Prize Awards.
“This is almost unconscionable,” said Dr. Lawrence Kidneyworttle, English Department Chairman of The Amazingly Epic Incredible University in Greilickville, Michigan. “I imagine if one had a feather one could knock me over with said feather. I am that shocked The Lint Screen was shunned.” The spry 80-something bald man pulled a pipe from his tweed jacket, plucked some tobacco from his trouser pocket, and began packing a firm bowlful. He started a fire on his office floor with flint, some twigs, and dry leaves. Then, he patiently lit his pipe with a smouldering twig, savoring the smoke like a man who appreciates things like pipe tobacco smoke. He continued in that was of his (you know the way I’m talking about–– his melodic, rich baritone whisper, one that could talk a cat from a tall tree or a suicide jumper into buying him a double bourbon at the bar).
“For almost eight years, I can think of no more august and revered journal of authoritative fact and integrity than The Lint Screen,” the learned man said as a spark from his pipe jumped into his beard and began to smolder. “It is the epitome of high journalistic standards and hardly ever makes boo-boos or boners. And many times, I like the pictures, too.”
The doctor’s beard became a brush fire across his face, and he began flailing his arms and screaming in high-pitched agony. This reporter looked on shaking his head in disbelief–– how could The Lint Screen be ignored yet again?!
Is there no justice in the world?
The office stunk of burning hair and disappointment, as the reporter put on his fedora with the ‘PRESS’ card in it, and left.
When irony takes a turn for the worse, people die.
Chez Yummi in Burlington, Vermont is the sort of food joint locals love, but yesterday, instead of serving hot plates of deliciousness, cold tragedy was served.
And it was yucky! (Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: The Lint Screen’s writing is lean and muscular!)
Restaurant patron Fred Vownem was with his wife, Margaret. He had ordered the spaghetti and meatballs and she opted for the chicken chow mein. Both customers devoured their dishes. When their waiter, Russ Humplott returned to clear their table, he asked how they liked their food. Mr. Vownem pointed to the empty plates and said, “We hated it.” Marge Humplott recalls what happened next in the next paragraph.
“The waiter freaked out,” she said with tears filling her eyeballs. “He was very nervous and ran into the kitchen. Then the chef came storming out of the kitchen with a large knife and began stabbing my husband. The chef was screaming that we would have to pay for the food we ate and that he needed the money. My husband tried to explain he was joking about hating the food, but it was too late. The chef repeatedly plunged the knife into his chest and he fell to the floor, dead. It was awful, I honestly don’t think I’ll ever go back there again,” the widow said as she began crying salty tears of sorrow and remorse for the irony that her husband had served to a hothead with sharp cutlery.
The chef, Robert Jickell is being held on manslaughter charges. The waiter received a poor tip (only 5%) for his table service.
All in all, a pretty bad night for all–– with no just desserts.
(Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: the editorial staff of The Lint Screen has shelf space available to display awards and prizes.)
Everyone's sharing the good word of The Lint Screen. It's the fun thing to do!
Yesterday, The Lint Screen
received its 100,000th hit.
In 22 months, over 100,000 people (or roaming spam-spewing computers) have come by and collected Lint. Four months ago, I started using ClustrMaps (on the home page) to track the countries of origin for hits. To date, 134 different countries have found their way here. Hello, Ethiopia, Isle of Man, Mauritius, Singapore, Poland, Chile, Australia, Pakistan and 126 others– glad to have you!
100,000 hits pretty much ensures that The Lint Screen is possibly the planet’s most popular website with the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The” in its title.
It couldn’t have happened without you, dear reader. Thanks for your grazing eyeballs.
Here are a few observations after 195 posts.
1. Satire is an alien concept to many. Much of what I’ve written is satire. It’s sarcastic, ironic, silly smartass stuff that lampoons many of the follies of people in our modern times. But, I’m sad to say, many people have no satirical sense of humor. Too many take everything at face value. It’s a reflection of our times, I’m afraid, when The National Enquirer (which was up for a Pulitzer Prize) and The Daily Show With Jon Stewart do a better job of reporting the news than alleged news outlets do. Unfortunately, traditional media is so riddled with biased points of view and spoon-fed talking points, the masses are lulled into complacency and a diet of information that furnishes the mental attic of their comfortable preconceived beliefs. They take the perspective that if it’s in the media it must be true. No, sometimes there is intentional satire, not reality. Many times I strive for a skewed view that may bring focus to the ridiculousness of a situation. Things are not just black or white, not just politically left or right. Sometimes exposing the extremes shows we need to keep our eyes and minds open. Keep collecting Lint, we’ll work it out and maybe have some laughs along the way.
2. It’s more fun when others play. Writing is a lonely profession. There’s you, the voice in your head and your fingers trying to keep up with its dictation. When you publish something, you’re pitching words into the void. Feedback is always appreciated at The Lint Screen. It doesn’t matter if it’s praise or criticism (although praise tends to go over better in the writer’s room), commentary makes the blogging process a dialogue, and dialogue is always good. Come, talk, share, play, enjoy.
3. Arianna Huffington hates me. I have been banned from commenting on The Huffington Post. Why? Because I often pimp some Lint piece that’s relevant to the story HuffPost is publishing. Some sites don’t allow this, some do. The Huffington Post used to allow me to pimp, but now Arianna and her goon squad are giving me the high-hat. Ironically, I learned this technique for pimping my blog from reading The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging. Arianna, make nice and let’s build some fences between Lint and Huff.
4. Don’t make fun of Susan Boyle and expect to get away with it. One of the most controversial specks of Lint was one I did when the Susan Boyle story first caught fire. I thought it was funny, many did not. Read the comments for a great time.
5. Wisdom works, too. Sometimes I’ll write something that isn’t entertainment or about monkeys or blacksmithing squirrels. It is something flecked with pearls of wisdom about things like job hunting, freelancing, the great Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in The World campaign, the legend of The Swedish Bikini Team for Old Milwaukee or my 19-part series on hip replacements (read them sequentially to enjoy a ride through surgery and recovery– my pain equals your reading pleasure). These things get good commentary and pass around. That warms me like my hand in a bucket of warm water at night.
6. Random is hard. From its inception, The Lint Screen was designed to be random in subject matter. This is a recipe for failure in the blogging world. Experts say that one should position oneself as an expert on a subject and use your blog as the bully pulpit to pontificate and build your empire. It sounded boring to me. So, Lint is intentionally random. The hope was people might like the voice and come back to hear it from time to time. It seems to be working– you’re here and maybe you’ll tell some friends and family about it. Sharing Lint is greatly appreciated. It’s the only way The Lint Screen will spread to all nations.
Thanks for reading and please dive deeper into the archives for interesting Lints you may have missed. Oh, and if you’re a CMO with an ad budget of $100 million (more, or less), please call on Ames Scullin O’Haire. We’ll be happy to help.