“I’ve got the world’s attention and I’ve got to make a statement of some sort,” said the pastor mopping his brow with a silk kerchief. “I guess a lot of folks were upset I was going to torch the Quran, but I don’t think anyone will be upset when I send those promiscuous characters Dick and Jane straight into the fires of hell!”
Rev. Jones says the books, many of which were mainstays of American education for well over 50 years, infiltrated young minds and turned them against all that is good and wholesome.
“These books are disgusting. Dick galavants about in short pants, chasing after Jane, wearing her revealing short dresses and highly shined shoes,” said the irate preacherman. “These demented characters include a young innocent named Sally and introduce Spot the Dog and Puff the Cat. Who knows what sort of disgusting beastiality ensued! And what of Tim the Teddy Bear? I know what people do with stuffed animals. All these illicit shenanigans occur under the approving eyes of the ultra liberal promiscuous parents, referred to Mother and Father. What sort of parents are these?! Is it any wonder the kids who read these subversive texts grew up to become beatniks, hippies, slackers, grungers and other Satanic cretins who only care about smoking reefer cigarettes, shooting the heroin powder and getting whacked-out on the goofballs and bennies!”
The preacher grew suddenly pensive. “I’ve got to burn something, I’ve got lots of matches.”