Entries tagged with “Sandra Bullock”.

Tiger's new wingman majored in bro-code

Many people were not surprised when it was announced that Tiger Woods would play in the upcoming Masters Golf Tournament, but the latest Tiger news may stun the world off its ever-loving spinning axis: Tiger has selected Jesse James as his official ‘Wingman’ during his Augusta stay.

“Tiger’s a master at the Masters,” said Ernie Whintfee, Augusta guy’s guy. “He’s put up some good scores at Augusta National and some great scores around the Augusta night scene. But Tiger knows he needs help this year after all the press he’s gotten, so he’s recruited Jesse as his wingman when he makes his August rounds. There’s quite a field this year with a really cute waitress working at Chili’s and some real babes working the Outback. With Jesse at his side, Tiger gets an experienced wingman, an operator in his own right, and a dude who knows the bro-code through and through. Tig and Jess will be a dynamic duo that’ll be tough to beat.”

Jesse is in dutch with his ball ‘n chain, Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, for allegedly having sexual relations (the legal term is “hankious-pankious”) with tattoo model Michelle “Bombshell” McGee and allegedly other women he’s not married to. “Jesse’s got a lot of free time on his hands,” said Mr. Whintfee, “and if he can help Tiger, he’s determined to do so. That’s the kind of stand-up dude he is.”

Sandra Bullock is rumored to have an Oscar she wants to personally deliver to Jesse’s skull, and Tiger’s wife, Elin, reportedly has a 7-iron in hand that may hinder Tiger’s successful return to Augusta.

Wish you were here and making the walk into heaven!

Ohmigod, this is so amazing, I’m seeing more stars than Capt. James Kirk on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise at warp speed 5.4, look over there– J Lo, you go girl– and George Clooney, love you in E.R., and there’s that tall blue lady from Avatar— you were incredible sugar, glad goodness beat evil on Pandora, oh, and there’s Meryl Streep and she’s got Sandra Bullock in a headlock and is giving her face some fist kisses, and there’s Jeff Bridges and he’s got his bathrobe with a caucasian in hand, go, Dude, abide, and here’s Katheryn Bigelow and she’s wearing a bomb suit designed by Jason Wu, absolute stunning, and over there’s her ex-hubby, James Cameron who’s being carried into the theatre on a king’s throne– nice touch with the children tossing rose petals as he whips them lightly– oh, and lookit over there, Mo’Nique wearing nothing but a feather boa and a welder’s helmet, oh, wait, is that– yes it is, look–Ken Watchons, who did some amazing grip work on Precious, and behind him is what’s her name, you know, the really beautiful woman who was in that movie about the thing that happened that one time, you know, the one that’s in color–oh, I need a paper sack, I’m hyperventilating here…