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Santa Claus Not Coming To Town
“Look,” the overweight man stuffed in his red felt casing told The Lint Screen, “I’ve been doing this Christmas delivery gig every year for ages. Enough already! I’m an old man, for chrissakes, I should be enjoying retirement not schlepping all over Earth, squeezing down chimneys and eating tasteless, stale cookies and warm milk. What’s…
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NSA Apprehends Santa Claus
Officials with The National Security Agency announced today that Santa Claus (AKA: St. Nicklaus, Nicky The Saint, The Lapman, Fluffy Cuffs, The Chimney Packer, Make It Reindeer, Mr. In-The-Present) has been arrested and taken into custody and is being held in an undisclosed location (“Guantanamo,” a little bird told The Lint Screen over four fingers…
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Santa Attempts Plea Bargain
It’s not over until the fat guy sings. The latest from the jail holding Santa Claus is that the merry man has made overtures through his attorney to the district attorney that the convict would like to plea bargain for reduced sentencing. Rumors are circulating that the big man is prepared to drop a dime…
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Children Unfazed by Incarceration of Santa
The journalistic community of Earth is crestfallen by the indifference of children worldwide. The news goon squad was expecting a dramatic narrative of crying kiddies and despondent youth saddened by Santa Claus being sequestered in an Louisiana jail cell on a stalking/sexual deviancy rap, where he’ll be until well after December 25th. But, the world’s…
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Santa Claus Is Not Coming to Town
Is Ol’ Nick a Saint… or a demented perv? That’s the question billions of people are asking themselves today as news broke of the jolly fat man being thrown into the hoosegow where he’ll stay over the holidays. Santa Claus (a.k.a. Earl “Pudgy” Vartondablatt) was arrested today outside of a house in Monroe, Louisiana. He…