Entries tagged with “Santa Claus”.


Santa says he’s had enough of the “being jolly crap.

Christmas is a time for fuzzy slippers and fuzzy feelings for traditions, but one of the oldest traditions won’t happen this year thanks to a cranky ol’ St. Nick!

In a shocking revelation, Santa Claus held a press conference this morning in the North Pole and declared he would not be traveling this year on Christmas eve delivering presents “to all the good little boys and girls.”

“Look,” the overweight man stuffed in his red felt casing told The Lint Screen, “I’ve been doing this Christmas delivery gig every year for ages. Enough already! I’m an old man, for chrissakes, I should be enjoying retirement not schlepping all over Earth, squeezing down chimneys and eating tasteless, stale cookies and warm milk. What’s in it for me? A whole lot of nothing but pain and the potential for food poisoning!”

Santa appears exhausted and upset as he pours himself four fat fingers of Wild Turkey into a crystal tumbler.

“I’ve had a hell of a run, you know,” he said in a silky bourbon baritone. “I’ve listened to millions of spoiled, greedy kids pestering me for toys and whatnot–– like my elves are their personal slaves. I’ve listened to the thankless brats and smiled, but God, I’ve had enough of the this being jolly crap. Parents, you made the monsters, you get them whatever they want from Amazon or wherever and tell ’em it’s from me! Let Jeff Bezos, UPS and FedEx deliver the loot! You think I like smelling reindeer cracks? I’ve had it; I’m done. Me and the misses are Netflix and chillin’. Hey, if I don’t deserve a Christmas break, who the hell does?”

With that, Santa tossed back his tumbler and guzzled his Turkey. He reached for the bottle and poured himself another stiff one. “Merry Christmas, dammit! And to all a goodnight!”

World, be forewarned–– you’re on your own this Christmas.

Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.

Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.

Officials with The National Security Agency announced today that Santa Claus (AKA: St. Nicklaus, Nicky The Saint, The Lapman, Fluffy Cuffs, The Chimney Packer, Make It Reindeer, Mr. In-The-Present) has been arrested and taken into custody and is being held in an undisclosed location (“Guantanamo,” a little bird told The Lint Screen over four fingers of Canadian Whiskey and two bumps of Peruvian Avalanche).

Claus had been under suspicion for some time and was nabbed as part of an elaborate sting operation in which NSA personnel posed as “good little boys and girls” who wanted him to come to their house late at night. The alleged children promised “cookies and milk” as bait.

“This Claus character has been the subject of a lot of chatter on the internet,” said an NSA spokesman, “and his name has been mentioned in countless phone calls we’ve intercepted over the past weeks. Obviously, his interest in children is disturbing and given his obsession with knowing who’s been bad or good, well, we thought we’d better take him in for goodness sake. This guy’s a primetime terrorist suspect and we certainly don’t need some whack job ruining Christmas for everyone.”

Santa allegedly will sing like a canary to get sprung from the joint.

Santa allegedly will sing like a canary to get sprung from the joint.

It’s not over until the fat guy sings.

The latest from the jail holding Santa Claus is that the merry man has made overtures through his attorney to the district attorney that the convict would like to plea bargain for reduced sentencing.

Rumors are circulating that the big man is prepared to drop a dime on Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and tell officials how the antlered wonder developed his famous cherry red snorter through sniffing snow, and not the cold kind.

Also, Claus apparently has heavy dirt to tell about the sexually deviant behavior of his elves and how they have secretly outsourced most of their labor to China where working conditions are deplorable and pay is pitiful.

When confronted by reporters, the attorney for Mr. Claus, “Mugsy” Talkinfine said, “Say, get outta my way, see? Don’t make me slug ya inkstains in yer kissers, see? I ain’t talkin’ to no one no how, my lips are zippered, see?” The legal beagle walked away in what one observant reporter described as “a huff.”

Kids don't seem to care there'll be no Santa in 2012.

Kids don’t seem to care that there will be no Santa in 2012– they’ll just get an app for that.

The journalistic community of Earth is crestfallen by the indifference of children worldwide. The news goon squad was expecting a dramatic narrative of crying kiddies and despondent youth saddened by Santa Claus being sequestered in an Louisiana jail cell on a stalking/sexual deviancy rap, where he’ll be until well after December 25th. But, the world’s youth could seem to care less about the news.

“Whatevs,” said a 7-year old boy in Mapleton, New Jersey, “I’ll still get all the stuff I want, even if my old man has to buy it.”

An 11-year boy in Lima, Peru said “That old dude always kinda creeped me out anyway. It’s really no biggie he’s not coming. I got Blacks Ops II on order. It’s all cool.”

A 5-year old girl in Nagoya, Japan said “I’ll just get my toys sent directly to me from China.”

An 8-year old girl in Perth, Australia said, “I always thought it was freaky that some old guy would want youngblood to sit on his lap. I’m not going to miss that tradition–– not at all.”

Santa swaps his red getup for an orange one.

Is Ol’ Nick a Saint… or a demented perv? That’s the question billions of people are asking themselves today as news broke of the jolly fat man being thrown into the hoosegow where he’ll stay over the holidays.

Santa Claus (a.k.a. Earl “Pudgy” Vartondablatt) was arrested today outside of a house in Monroe, Louisiana. He was lurking in a bush when officers wrestled him and slapped a pair of security bracelets on his wrists.

“I saw that creep peeking through my window,” said home owner Sheila Jambars, “I was getting undressed for my shower and I heard some moaning outside my window. I turned, and there he was, that fat, bearded degenerate. He smirked and winked at me. I screamed and called the cops. My daughter, who’s only 16, has been saying for weeks that she felt like someone had been watching her.” The young woman entered the room and agreed with her mother. “The dude’s totally a freak! I know the fat slob’s been stalking me.”

Claus in an official statement issued through his attorney said that “I need to know who’s been naughty or nice and surveillance is essential to doing my job. It’s not an invasion of anyone’s privacy. I was simply doing my job. I’m innocent.”

No bail has been set in the Claus case.