Entries tagged with “Sarah Palin”.

She's out to win, you betcha!

Although she has not officially declared her candidacy for President, or her intent in serving the remainder of her term as Alaska governor, Sarah Palin is reportedly actively seeking support from rock star/reality show megastar Meatloaf (real name: Hamburger Loafenz).

Sources close to Palin report that the ex-Guv wants “Loaf-power” on her side.

“Meatloaf is a natural born leader,” said one Palin camp insider. “Many people follow his every move. Donald Trump was smart enough to know that and use it for his benefit. Support for The Donald simply was really about Meatloaf support. Now that his Hairness has decided to vote no-go to running for prez, the valuable Meatloaf vote is up for grabs.”

It's anybody's guess which way the big man will go!

Washington insiders are speculating that President Obama may soon begin a full court press to win Meatloaf support.

“Obama’s an astute politician,” said an anonymous White House staffer, “he knows that where the Loaf goes, so goes America. The 2012 election will not be about jobs, the economy, deficits, wars or foreign policy– it’ll be about what the public really cares about: the washed-up rocker vote.”

Indeed. Now that Mike Huckabee has also announced that he will not run for the oval office, his rockin’ supporter, Ted Nugent (real name: Harvey Catscratchian) is also in play.

“The smart candidate will be the one who can muster both Meatloaf and Ted Nugent support. And if that person can also somehow figure a way to get Steven Tyler’s vote, why that candidate will be swept into office. Heck, even if you only get a pair of them, well, two out of three ain’t bad. Both Palin and Obama know how high the stakes are, and they’re both working it hard! Yee-dawddle!

Look at the top selling non-fiction hardcover books: George W’s memoirs of why he did what he did, the autobiography of Mark Twain, Sarah Palin’s Palinographic view of the world, Glenn Beck’s ranting and a little something called Life by some guy named Keith Richards (and his pal, James Fox).

I just finished Life, and if you have a passing interest in sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, music, celebrity, adventure, philosophy, history, travel or just cooking tips for bangers and mash, you’ll want to give these 500-plus pages a go.

Keith is half of the Glimmer Twins, Jagger/Richards, the songwriting backbone of the Rolling Stones. He’s also the guy who has more lives than a dozen cats. And sounded a lot better doing it.

It’s a fascinating read of how young white English lads long to be black American bluesmen and how clever management and masterful media manipulation catapults them to fame and fortune. There’s the inevitable bouts with sex, jealousy, cheating on friends, and addiction to drugs, and how all these things conspire to take a man and his band to the brink. Most deadly of all, however, it’s the tale of how egos blossom and explode, choking the friendships of the past and almost laying waste to all in its path.

It’s all there, in surprising digestible prose.

Of course, this is only Keith’s side of the story, with lots of corroborating witnesses, and it will be interesting to see if Mick Jagger has any published rebuttal. For even a casual fan of rock, you’ll love the ride and marvel at the intricacies of a musician’s mind. Much like Bob Dylan’s Chronicles: Volume 1, it’s fascinating and enlightening to see what sponges these musical geniuses are. How they expose themselves to all forms of music and artistic expression, then create their own voices from the stew of all they’ve absorbed.

I’ve always been a Stones fan, and have been fortunate enough to have seen them a half dozen times, from their glory days in the 70’s, the inflatable theatrics days of the 80’s and 90’s, all the way through the stripped down brilliance of the A Bigger Bang tour in the 21st century. Throughout it all, there’s always been Keith Richards laying down some of the most iconic rock riffs with cool ease and a cigarette dropping from his lips. While some guitarists work hard to show you how incredibly difficult it is to play, Keith simply plays with poetic, idle ease. Life gives you a terrific peek behind what makes him tick and how he keeps on ticking.

Read it.

The happy loving couple done got hitched real good!

I suppose it was kind of a big deal to be one of “Triple-A” guests invited to attend Chelsea Clinton’s fab $3 million wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, but if you’re invited you can’t exactly give the ol’ ‘hi-hat’, especially if you’re an F.O.B. and F.O.H.

So, off to Rhinebeck, New York we went.

For a wedding gift, we weren’t sure where the couple was registered so we went with the failsafe gift every newlywed couple needs and loves: an Oster Waffle Iron. As an added bonus, we gave a mouse pad with a cute illustration of a pelican and the clever saying “Who wants fish for supper? I do!”

Cute, meet practical! You just can’t go wrong with the classics.

Here are seven observations about the Clinton affair, er, Clinton daughter wedding.

1. The ceremony was beautiful. The happy couple exchanged vows that included some lyrics from Air Supply songs, Dr. Phil books and helpful tips from Chilton Auto Repair Manuals.

2. Some of the guests in attendance were surprising: Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls, Burt Reynolds, Mary Cheney, Jack Klugman, Eminem, The San Diego Chicken, Marion Barry, James Gandolfini, Paula Dean, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin, Jon “Bowzer” Bauman from Sha Na Na, Donald Sutherland, Seve Ballesteros and Ron Popeil.

3. I think $3 million would get you better fare than rigatoni and meatballs, tossed salad, green beans and steamship round beef with mini rolls. The Pepperidge Farm cookies were a nice touch though.

4. Having a cash bar seemed a little tight-fisted also. I suppose most of the $3 million went into wedding planning. Those people are pricey.

5. The cake was magnificent; I’m thinking Duncan Hines at the least. Only problem was that the decorator couldn’t spell and wrote Congradulations instead of Happy Wedding Day, Y’all!”

6. It may have been the wildest hokey-pokey and chicken dances I’ve ever seen. That Bill Clinton can cut him some rug, and Hillary doing the limbo– classic!

7. A good time was had by all, except Ron Popeil. Apparently he wasn’t the only one giving a Showtime Rotisserie for a wedding gift.

General McCrystal was not as tight-lipped as he appeared to be.

In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.

“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”


All hail our turkey masters!

These men were powerless to their gobbling masters.

    Every year it’s a traditional Thanksgiving news story: the official Presidential pardon of one lucky turkey.

    It’s a photo-op that newspapers and broadcast stations feast upon; a little sorbet to clear the ravenous appetite of the 24-hour news cycle. But this little news-nothing is NOT what it seems!!!!!!!!!!!(wait, let me add a few more exclamation points for emphasis) !!!!!!! (I’ll boldface and italicize them, too) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Get a load of this everyone:  turkeys are our real leaders, and have been calling the shots in these United States for a long, long time.

    It was no accident that Ben Franklin proposed the humble turkey as our national bird… he was ruled by an old tom turkey named Samuel.

    When the eagle was named the national symbol instead, Samuel the turkey had Franklin banished to France as punishment. But the turkey uprising had taken firm root, and the clever beasts would not be deterred in their insatiable lust for power. Let eagles have the glory of being a patriotic ‘symbol’; turkeys would seize the real power– ruling our country!

    For years, turkeys tried unsuccessfully to get a foothold in the corridors of political power. Six turkeys worked together beneath a large overcoat and tried to pass themselves off as Martin Van Buren at his inauguration, but the plot failed when they could not produce a hand to place on the Bible for the swearing-in ceremony. Years later, scandal arose when it was revealed Millard Fillmore’s Secretary of State was in fact a smooth-gobbling turkey wearing an ascot. The turkey was quickly removed from office and replaced with a human. But before long, a real power move was finally made inside the White House.

    An ambitious turkey named Daniel persuaded Abraham Lincoln’s son, Tad, to make a plea to the old man to spare his life before Thanksgiving. Tad made his case and his dad agreed. Daniel the turkey was spared. Daniel saw his opening, and the political pull of turkeys have gotten stronger ever since.

    Over the next decades, turkey insiders began working Washington hard. Clever turkeys formed K-Street lobbying firms and began greasing the inside track of American politics. Turkeys were bipartisan, funneling cash, sexual favors, and giblets to whatever political party was in power. By the time Harry S. Truman was in office, the turkey cabal was in full evil control of Washington, DC. Ever since, every president has made the pardoning of a turkey an annual event.

    The turkey receiving the presidential pardon is typically the Grand Gobbler, top dog, fatcat, head cheese. Said turkey will occupy the Oval Office and tell the President exactly what to do. A quick look at some legislation that has been quietly passed over the years proves the power of this ingenious poultry breed. 

   Did you know turkeys are not subject to ANY income taxes whatsoever? A turkey making $450 million a year pays $0 in taxes, a regular wealthy American could pay upwards of $6,200!

    Turkeys are legally permitted to carry nuclear weapons and may smoke openly in public places.

    Like some sort of brazen foreign diplomat, turkeys may park their cars wherever they like– even in handicap spots or way past the painted dividing line.

   Turkeys cannot be tried for manslaughter, gambling, libel, arson, kidnapping, piracy, child abuse, fraud, aggressive panhandling, perjury, drunk driving, squatting, speeding, graffiti, sabotage, bank robbery, spitting in public places,  jaywalking, embezzlement (note to self: NEVER EVER hire a turkey to handle any finances, no matter how impressive the resume), trespassing, petty larceny or sexual harassment. In fact, by law you cannot issue a restraining order against a turkey.  

    In short, turkeys are virtually immune from our judicial system. Talk about powerful lobbyists!

    The true disgrace is that turkeys openly flaunt their immense power and iron-fisted control of the country by staging the farcical annual ‘pardoning’ by the President. It all seems so cute and innocent, but at its core is evilness and unholy not goodness. 

Turkeys who threaten to snitch pay the price!

Turkeys who threaten to snitch pay the price!

 So why do these leader turkeys permit the senseless slaughter of millions of their compatriots every Thanksgiving? Well, they like the taste of turkey gravy. They also think that since millions of their own die, no one will suspect that the leader turkeys are really calling the shots. Typically after the Presidential photo-op, the “pardoned turkey”, the prez and key cabinet officials convene in the Oval Office where the Top Tom gives the human leaders their marching orders.

     Recently, a few brave turkeys were promised witness relocation and protection by the FBI if they came forward and gave sworn testament to the inner workings of the insidious turkey cabal. The turkeys were told they’d have their stories told on TV to Sarah Palin. Alas, when the cameras began to roll, the turkeys were silenced in the background as Ms. Palin held court on other subjects she deemed more important.

    Now that you know the true story of turkey power in America, those Thanksgiving leftovers have never tasted better.