Entries tagged with “terrorists”.

NSA source lacked potassium

NSA source lacked potassium

The National Security Agency reported today that it has launched a full scale investigation into a terrorist cell group located in the North Pole region.

“This could be huge,” said the unnamed source who stood in the shadows and spoke through a kazoo to scramble his voice.

The anonymous source said that the NSA has been monitoring “significant chatter” and “an avalanche of mail from children” being sent to the North Pole. “The weird thing is,” said the deep throat as he peeled a banana, “there isn’t even a post office there.” He then took a big bite of the banana. “Got to get my potassium.”

Asked if there were any details on when the terrorist group might strike, the shadowy figure shrouded himself in an invisibility cloak. “We’re pretty confident this group will mobilize on the evening of December 24.”

This reporter then heard footsteps running away before slipping on a banana peel. The intrepid reporter heard a body thump to the pavement and as a string of obscenities were shouted.

Dismantling Greatness is hard to witness through teary eyes

Here in God’s Country, we like to say “If you can’t trust a water tower, who can you trust?”

Well, tragedy is slowly striking Gwinnett County as a group of terrorists disassemble one of the greatest roadside attractions in our free land: the Twin Towers of Gwinnett Greatness.

For over three decades, these I-85 icons have proclaimed two confident statements to curious eyes: GWINNETT IS GREAT and SUCCESS LIVES HERE.

For residents of Gwinnett, these were comforting words. For those not lucky enough to live here, the words were truth that stings and gives the ol’ one-two bruising combo to the ego.

But now the glorious Twin Gwinnett Towers are being taken down, I assume by evil terrorists from other jealous counties. I feel the greatness of Gwinnett flickering and wonder if perhaps Success is packing its bags. I certainly hope not, Success was a great neighbor (really has a beautiful lawn and landscaping, plus was always happy to pick up the mail and newspapers for vacationing neighbors).

The Towers are falling, The Towers are falling–– woe is all of us!

Yes, he's packing heat, but he's also packing naughty bits!

Washington politicians are lighting their torches, waving pitchforks in the air and giving loud angry mob grumbles to protest total body scanning x-Ray equipment being used as a safeguard against terrorists.

These technologically advanced machines are currently installed in many airports and are being proposed for many more as an effective weapon in the war on terror. No one disputes the ability of these machines to show weapons and potentially dangerous devices, but they also show more.

Gun, what gun? Va va va voom!

“Oh, they do a marvelous job of showing who’s a threat and who’s not,” said a Senator from a state with four letters (but not “Iowa”), “but they also show what a person looks like buck naked, and that’s something that just seems Satanically hot, evil and worth making some political hay over. And I intend to do just that!”

The airport is now THE hot place to be.

Although many politicians have been caught in saucy, sordid extramarital affairs thmselves, they will not stand idly by and allow the public to be scanned in airports in order to protect the very same public.

“Some things are better left to the bedroom, provided the bedroom is in a state where you can do certain hot things legally,” said an unnamed Representative from a state whose flag features a lone star. “An airport is no place to know what people have going on beneath their clothes. Frankly, some of these images are so explicit I can imagine them ending up in dirty magazines, websites and nasty videos. Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff… I’m imagining it now, baby…. oh, yeah, scan it good, baby. Wait! Think of the children! For goodness sake, think of the children– one of our most precious assets, next to gold and diamonds. Why these explicit x-Rays may be a greater threat to the public than the terrorists they’re supposed to protect us from.” The politician stopped and became excited. “Hey, that’s a good sound bite,” he said as he danced, twirled and performed a full leg split. He shouted “I’m making the news tonight, I’m making the news tonight! Nah, nah, nah, nah nah!”

We’ll see you at the airport… every sexy bit of you.