Entries tagged with “Texas”.

Bernie is a gift from Carthage, Texas to your front door.

2011 was hardly a great year for motion pictures. War Horse, The Help, Moneyball, Hugo, The Artist and The Descendants were lauded as some of the best. While many were way above average, none were worthy of much thought beyond the initial screening.

Now you can see what The Lint Screen believes was the best movie of the year. One that hardly got mentioned–– Bernie.

Based on a true story that took place in Carthage, (East) Texas in 1996, it’s the fascinating tale of Bernie Tiede (played by Jack Black), an assistant funeral director who can sing like an angel, spread compassion like warm butter on an August day, and is generous with empathy, goodwill and love to all. Especially blue hairs.

Bernie becomes the constant companion of the town’s mean, rich old lady, Marjorie Nugent (played by Shirley MacLaine in her current life form). Bernie enjoys the lifestyle of the rich and famous, globe trotting by Marjorie’s side. The couple is the talk of the town, and actual locals are filmed as the chorus of “gossips” who act as insightful play-by-play announcers with vivid color commentary for the fantastical story as it unfolds.

Let’s just say it doesn’t end well for Marjorie or Bernie as one thing leads to another and somebody gets hurt. The ambitious D.A., Danny Buck (played by Matthew McConaughey who manages to keep his shirt on), wants the truth to be revealed and justice to be served.

The story was originally reported by the excellent journalist Skip Hollandsworth for Texas Monthly. The article was read by director Richard Linklater (Fast Food Nation, School of Rock, Slacker, Dazed and Confused), and together the two men spent over a decade working on the screenplay.

The result is one amazing story with terrific, unforgettable performances by Black and MacLaine, both Oscar-worthy. It’s entertaining, funny, warm and touching. Within the first five minutes, you’ll also learn some handy things you can do with Krazy Glue that you probably didn’t know.

Oh, Oscar, how could you have overlooked this gem of a film? Do yourself a favor, give it a go and enjoy the ride. It certainly has more chops than War Horse.

Run the red light at your own peril, lead-foot.... this monkey means business!

Some cities are placing cameras on light poles and snapping pictures of cars running red lights to issue citations by mail. Then some cities are playing for keeps.

Austin, Texas is employing trained monkeys to ‘man’ light poles for keeping law-breaking drivers in line. If a motorist runs a red light, the monkey leaps onto the car and scrambles its way inside the vehicle to gouge the driver’s eyes out and spray the interior with urine.

“Some people think this watch-monkey program is a bit extreme,” said Officer Terry Inklurd, “but if people just obey the traffic signals, there won’t be any issues. You’ll be able to keep your vision and not have your car smell like monkey pee–– which has an awful stench. Not even those pine tree air fresheners can mask monkey musk.”

NBC is rumored to be developing a new series called “Law & Order: Traffic Monkey Division.”

Bunny lays an egg for commie little boy.

Fortunately for little Frankie Urbeenor, he sleeps on a very absorbent pillow. The child cried torrents last night after his visit to The Easter Bunny at the East Waverly Heights Mall in Port Arthur, Texas.

Easter is Frankie’s fifth favorite holiday, after Christmas, his birthday, Halloween and Thanksgiving, so he was looking forward to spending some quality time with Mr. Cottontail. Instead he was subjected to an angry political rant from a bunny who is also a part time Tea Party zealot.

Spectators reported the following exchange took place between Frankie and the Easter Bunny:
BOY: Hello, Easter Bunny!
E. B.: Hello, little boy– what’s your name?
BOY: Frankie. Frankie Urbeenor.
E. B.: Well, Frankie, I suppose you’re happy that Obama and his government thugs have taken over the entire freakin’ health care system.
BOY: Huh?
E. B.: Sure, what do you care, you’re a little kid and you don’t have to pay taxes so just let me work my freakin’ butt off and support little freeloaders like you so you can get sick and have pre-existing conditions, then use death panels to kill my grandma in Beaumont.
BOY: Ummm, I don’t know what you’re…
E.B.: Everyone wants a hand-out, don’t they? You’re all a bunch of socialists. The free market is too tough on you so you want big brother government to spoon feed you entitlement programs, don’t you?
BOY: I’m scared.
E.B.: Of course you are, kid. We should all be scared. The country’s being run by the antichrist, who wasn’t even born in this country, and he wants the government to butt into every aspect of our lives, then try to take away my 85 firearms and arsenal of explosives I have for protection.
BOY: I just want a chocolate bunny for Easter…
E.B.: Sure you do. Chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, marshmallow chicks, silver dollars and PlayStations, too– you want everything! And you want it all for free, don’t you? And why not, it’s no skin off your nose– just ask, ask, ask and expect others to deliver it with a pretty bow to your door. Well, listen up, kid-o, there ain’t no Santie Claus and you can’t have Christmas every Easter. You want a chocolate bunny, you work for it. There’s no freebies in life, buddy boy!
BOY: I want to go home, mister, please…

Fifty-six minutes later, paramedics used the jaws of life to remove the boy from the angry Kung-Fu grip grasp of the Easter Bunny, who was tagged with tranquilizers and taken away in soft handcuffs, designed not to chafe his fur.

Easter may soon drop from the #5 position of Frankie’s favorite holidays.

The Epicenter of My Universe

The Epicenter of My Universe in The Mid-80's.

Behind the writing of every great book there is a great story.

“Beowulf” was written by some drunk dude following a Steppenwolf concert in the year 942.

“On The Road” was written on Route 66 by Jack Kerouac, who was allegedly hit 136 times by passing cars.

Charles Dickens wrote “A Tale of Two Cities” in Minneapolis and St. Paul holding his fountain pen in the toes of his right foot. The original title was “A Tale of Twin Cities & Terribly Painful Toe Cramps”. His publisher made him change both the title and the plot significantly.

Today I share a few entries from a book I wrote in the mid-late 80’s entitled “The Parking Lot Letters (One Man’s Pursuit of Quality Parking)”.

The book has been published by various copy machines I have known over the years. The idea for the book began when the parking lot management company I used when employed by Bozell, Jacobs, Kenyon & Eckhardt Advertising in Dallas (Las Colinas, actually, a business person’s Disney World) raised their monthly rates. Everyone at the agency bitched and moaned about this action. I decided to take a different tact.

I became a champion of all things related to parking. With every monthly parking payment check I sent, I would include a personal letter written to the “Letter Opening Department” of the parking lot management company. I designed my own visually arresting letterheads. The voice of the letters was an obsessive, passionate fan of parking, and my particular parking lot. Early letters featured arbitrary underlining of words– just because it tickled me.

Later letters got more fantastical and deeper into the character’s psyche. Obsessive anything is always fun.

For two years I wrote these good people my manic letters. Then, I left that job to pursue quality parking elsewhere. Free parking! Did I ever hear from them– the parking lot people? Yes, I did get one letter toward the end of my run, but I suspect it was a prank written by someone inside the agency. It was too hip, too inside, too too.

A few months after I left, a friend went  into the parking lot management company office to pay his bill. He told me he saw one of my letters posted on the wall. He asked about the letter and reported the parking lot management guy said he hadn’t heard from me in awhile… and that he really missed my letters. When I heard this, I balled like a baby.

Enjoy these nibbles, feel free to share your favorite parking stories, and may all your parking spots be      W     I       D      E        !

First Letter/PLL


Other Man/PLL


     A despondent Bernard Madoff is reportedly on suicide watch.  He’s been trumped, by a mannequin.

    The magical Greek fishing cap that bestows instant Fonzie coolness to its wearer has finally surfaced and landed on the noggin of a mannequin working at a Beall’s Department Store in Port Arthur, Texas. The cap was owned by a deposed Nigerian prince and Bernie Madoff paid the prince’s lawyer $50 billion for the cool headgear (plus a few extra million for shipping and handling)… all to no avail. The mannequin received the surprise package yesterday and has refused comment on how the Greek fishing cap came into his possession. Authorities did not press the issue since the mannequin “looked so wicked cool we didn’t want to be pests or anything.”

Now that's coooooool! Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!  

      “This just isn’t fair,” said an angry Madoff, “I paid my good hard-earned money and I’ve got nothing in return. Nothing! I’ve lost everything I owned to a charlatan. There ought to be a law against these kind of shenanigans!” Madoff said as tears streamed down his face and mucus trickled from his furry nostrils, grossing out reporters and bystanders alike. “There oughta be laws against this,” blurted Madoff as ear wax leaked out of his audio caves. Reporters and bystanders hurled.

    Meanwhile, the mannequin has become an instant celebrity with people making pilgrimages to see him and bask in his utter uber-coolness. Some who have witnessed the mannequin in Greek fishing cap claim he is “even cooler than Fonzie was”, while others say the mannequin is “cooler than Potsie, Ralph, or Ritchie, most def, but maybe not quite Fonzie cool. Well, O.K., maybe Fonzie cool but not cooler.”

    Madoff yearns to travel to Port Arthur to see for himself but cannot travel due to his house arrest. Irony police are standing watch on him. The world exhales and life goes on.

     In a startling development, it appears ex-president George W. Bush may have his sights set on wearing the Greek fishing cap de coolness from the mysterious deposed Nigerian prince.

     Unnamed White House sources have leaked the contents of the letter Bush left for President Barack Obama in the Oval Office. They are disclosed here in a Lint Screen exclusive:

Ex-Prez making play for Greek fishing cap

Letter reveals Ex-Prez making play for Greek fishing cap.

     “Dear Barack,

Enjoy your stay in Washington. I’ll be in Texas, spreading my Fonzie cool in my Greek fishing cap. It’s supposed to be coming my way real soon, baby. Aaayyyyy! Oh, by the way, next time you go shopping get some milk. The carton in the fridge has turned bad. Bye, W.”

     Bernie Madoff refused commenting on the story except to say he was seeking some new investors for a “can’t lose investment opportunity… all it takes is $50 billion.”