Entries tagged with “The Lint Screen”.


Cemetaries are hotbeds of protest against the denial of their voices being heard.

The dead are not lying down on their rights as Americans!

After the 2016 election fraud, politicians are vowing to clamp down on voter fraud that they say cheated President Trump out of millions of votes. One of the key claims is that dead people are enrolled as registered voters.

“Of course they are,” said Atty. Michael Fitslicka, representing the Concerned Dead Peoples Association (CDPA). “They paid taxes in life and paid the ultimate taxes in death, so by gumbo, they’ve earned the right to vote in perpetuity. If politicians want their votes, they’re going to have to earn them.”

The CDPA has millions of members. “They’re not all that active, but they are going to be heard on election days,” Atty. Fitslicka told The Lint Screen. “If politicians are serious about earning CDPA votes, I suggest they talk about critical issues like better deathcare and stop building walls and fences around cemeteries to keep them out. They will get to the polls, and they will be heard, of that, you can be sure. Look, they may be dead, but they’re still Americans, by Jiminy!”

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Major celebration in headquarters of The Lint Screen

The rock-em, sock-em game of journalism is not for wussies. Now that any numbskull with a smartphone is a media company, the stakes have never been higher for eyeballs.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos bought a vanity press called The Washington Post and that news organization recently announced its bold new slogan, “Democracy Dies in Darkness”.

The New York Times recently broke a campaign with the theme “The Truth Is More Important Now Than Ever.”

With two of the big fish unveiling new campaigns, an anxious world turned to see how The Lint Screen would respond. Would this august and respected online scoop factory flinch, or would it rise with inky fists balled and ready to rumble?

Silly goose–– did you really have to ask?

Today, we proudly announce our new slogan:
“The Lint Screen. Where fake news gets real.”

Check and mate.

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Hollywood has a new sheriff in town.

After Sunday night’s screw-up by PricewaterhouseCoopers, the Academy Awards Committee has fired the prestigious accounting firm and hired H&R Block (in central Tarzana) to take over auditing responsibilities for The 2017 Oscars.

“We thank PricewaterhouseCoopers for their excellent work over the years,” said Cheryl Boone Isaacs, president of the Academy Awards Committee. “Aside from their huge boner on Sunday, they were aces. But now we’ve decided to go in a different direction, so we’ve hired a local H&R Block office to help us going forward. We wish the PwC people the best and remind them that tax day is April 15. They sometimes tend to mess things up a bit, so this is just a gentle reminder.”

Terry Ranchfield, manager of the Tarzana H&R Block office that won the Oscars account told The Lint Screen he looks forward to his company’s new role. “Our office has adding machine, calculators, everything you need to do good ciphering. Plus, a few of our people are ex-postal delivery folks, so we really know how to handle envelopes. You could say we’re proud to have won the best supporting role!”

Yes, Terry, you could say that.

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PricewaterhouseCoopers show their super-scientific voodoo accounting magic for the Oscars.

Following last night’s epic Oscars fail by PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) by mixing up the envelopes for the Best Picture winner, many of the accounting firm’s clients are demanding their tax returns be re-done.

“How can we trust their calculations?” asked Comax Industries President Maxwell Fluber. “For all I know, they put our tax return in the wrong envelope. Or, maybe instead of paying over a hundred and twelve million in taxes last year, we should be getting a huge refund. Who knows with PwC?”

Indeed, many of the accounting firm’s clients are referring to the Oscars mishap as being “PwC-ed” and they are questioning all actions conducted by PricewaterhouseCoopers.

“They’ve been telling me for years that our business is bad,” J.C. Penney CEO Marvin Ellison told The Lint Screen. “So, I listened to them and just announced we’re closing a bunch of stores to save money, but now I’m wondering if we shouldn’t be expanding instead! Maybe business is great and America is ready for our stylish fashions! I’d hate to get PwC-ed out of business.”

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The President is so good at his job, he’s going to do the media’s job also.

Following President Donald J. Trump spanking of fake news yesterday, the White House has drafted a list of approved questions for the media to ask in press conferences.

“We had to do this,” Jeremy Bostwich, White House senior advisor told The Lint Screen. “Since the fake news is running rampant and not reporting the excellence exhibited every day by this incredible administration, we must do their job for them. I hope they are ashamed of their dereliction of duties but happy we’ve saved their bacon. You’re welcome.”

Here is the list of approved questions to ask the President:

1. What’s your favorite color?
2. Why do you think the crowd was so large on your inauguration day?
3. Do you think is was the largest crowd assembled in history? I mean, possibly?
4. Do you have a favorite Beatle?
5. Who do you think should have succeeded you in “The Apprentice”?
6. What are the milestones of your first thirty days in office?
7. Has this been the most successful presidency in history?
8. If you had to pick a second place whose presidency would you select?
9. What’s your favorite pizza topping?
10. Do you ever tire of winning? I mean, really?
11. Why do you tolerate the media? Part two: should the free press be abolished?
12. That’s a beautiful tie, who makes it?
13. How does it feel to have won in the largest landslide in political history?
14. Would you serve a third term, if the lazy Congress changed the law?

Now, perhaps the fake news will get real.

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Wilson when he was a superstar in Tinsel Town.

If your name is Wilson, Hollywood ain’t exactly La La Land singing, dancing and technicolor love-goo!

The handsome volleyball, who co-starred with Tom Hanks in 2000’s blockbuster movie Cast Away, has been on the beach ever since looking for another major motion picture role.

“It’s a damn shame,” Coco Vilsette, Wilson’s agent told The Lint Screen. “Tom Hanks has starred in a billion movies since then, and poor Wilson can’t get arrested in this town. He landed a minor role in a porn film project in Tarzana, and even then, he ended up on the cutting room floor. Apparently, the director didn’t think a charismatic volleyball added to his artistic vision.”

The movie business is notoriously rough on the careers of aspiring actors, but Wilson is in a league all his own.

“Wilson carried Cast Away,” his agent said. “Hanks knew it, Bobbie Zemeckis knew it. Without Wilson’s stellar performance and his ability to memorize lines and sell them with absolute conviction, Hanks would have had no transformative moment. And when Wilson is lost at sea in the film’s climax, well, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. His performance was magic, classic.”

But, after the film did boffo biz, all Wilson’s phone calls were crickets. “Apparently the roles for spherical objects are few and far between. Wilson was up for the lead in The Martian, but he got edged by Matt Damon because Ridley Scott thought he looked better in a space suit. Crap like that happens all the time in this godforsaken town.”

When Tom Hanks was contacted for his comment on his co-star’s dire career plunge, he said, “Wilson? Who’s that?”

Oh, the cruelty of the business that is show!

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