The Lint Screen

The Lint Screen has received more details about the contents of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary discovered in the raid on his pad last year, including the following startling entries:

- “Am sick and tired of all my friends sending me requests on Facebook to join Farmville. Why would I care to tend crops? Has the world gone nuts?”

- “Wanted to order some chinos from J. Crew, but for the life of me couldn’t recall my inseam size. Is this what growing older is all about, forgetting everything?”

- “Can’t recall the name of wife #4. Will just call her ‘snoogums’ and be done with it. Cursed, stupid, wretchedly useless brain!”

- “Constipated. Again. Deviled eggs and goat casserole do not agree with me.”

- “My porn collection feels far too familiar. Need variety. Amish?”

- “If it ever snows, I swear I’m making angel wings, then people will see I’m not such a bad guy.”

- “I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable, lonely and fat.”

- “Diary, you are only one who understands me. Maybe I should capture Dr. Phil.”

The universe is a-jitter with news that a surprising new non-human candidate will soon be entering the 2012 presidential race.

The rumor mill is grinding furiously that the new candidate will not be an adorably cute animal, single celled organism or lizard-like creature. Speculation is it could be a ghost (the ghosts of Abe Lincoln, Conway Twitty and Gene Rayburn have been mentioned), an alien or an inanimate object from the broom family. Heavy speculation is a whisk broom, although smart money favors a fireplace broom–– either could be a serious contender.

At any rate, other candidates in the race are said to be very afraid of yet another hat in the ring for the highest office in the land, even though it is on the ground floor of the White House.

The Lint Screen will break this story first. It’s what we do. Depend on it.

Try as they may, Santy Paws, the adorable puppy, Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey and Carl The Chameleon, the colorful lizard, cannot get the same media attention granted human presidential candidates. And since the humans are having 1,238 televised debates that they are not allowing non-human candidates to compete in, the ‘critter crew’ is creating its own debate that will be carried Tuesday night on Animal Planet.

Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said that obviously humans were afraid on the new presidential candidates. “If we keep sending humans to The White House, we’re going to keep getting the same results. It’s time we shook things up. I can promise America all kinds of memorable hijinks if the electorate sends Ms. Pickles to the oval office. Why, just imagine the kooky mayhem of having a monkey in the most powerful seat in the land!” said Gruthers doubling over with laughter.

Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws promised a debate with lots of fireworks. “Santy make look cute, but you’re going to see a vicious killer. The leader America needs in these dangerous times where we could all go up in a mushroom cloud at any moment.”

Sandy Oceans, campaign manager for Carl The Chameleon is confident his candidate will do well in the upcoming debate. “My guy is nothing if not adaptable.”

The Lint Screen will report from the debate because it’s just that kind of a dedicated news organization.

At 6 P.M. Eastern Standard Time today, the Rapture will arrive. Those of us who have led a good life of righteousness and obedience to Harold Camping will be whisked up to Heaven for our eternal rewards, while the rest of you are left behind and subjected to five months of God’s pranks–– earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, aggressive life insurance salespeople, Donald Trump, poo-flinging monkeys and what have you.

Talk about your haves and have nots.

While I feel sorry for the rest of you suckers, I have to say I’ve enjoyed your company here on earth. It’s too bad you were evil sinners and didn’t make the upgrade list.

I’ll be getting out while the getting’s good, and I’m hoping there will be no TSA in the after-gig because I don’t relish the idea of my fake hips setting off the alarms and having some saint or angel give me a pat-down. Although an angel pat-down might be a ticklish and enjoyable experience.

In closing, I want to thank all the faithful Lint Screen readers for their literacy and patronage in making this blog one of the most popular on earth containing the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The.” If you make the list for eternal salvation during Rapture, I’ll buy you a drink. If you don’t, I’ll wish you the best in lawyering-up and getting good representation for Judgement Day.

Ciao, babe!

Along with the rest of the world’s media, reporters from The Lint Screen have been swarming the streets of London looking for scoop on the upcoming matrimony of Prince William to Kate The Commoner, and we’ve unearthed a scoop that would give Ben & Jerry a hernia.

We have an exclusive sneak peek at Kate’s wedding dress!!!!

Oh, she’s a beaut, she is– all pretty in pink with a bell shape to make Kate’s legs ring-a-ling-a-ding down the aisle of Westminster Abbey. This breathtaking gown has lacy accents and enough class to fill both Oxford and Cambridge!

We suspect William’s knees will turn to soft toffee pudding when he catches a good gander at his mate all pretty in pink, ready for a dance and a drink. Terrence Ogden Nigel Cuppenstunce, a noted British fashion designer, says the dress is surprising in a number of ways.

“Kate eschewed the boring canvas of white or off-white in favor of some vibrancy and life. I love the poofy scoopage around her neck, and the long satin gloves add a certain swankiness that is, how you say– beautitific! Oh, this is a dress for the ages and I am quite literally breathless in anticipation.” With that, the elderly designer collapsed to the ground clutching his chest and gasping for sweet life.

William, you’re one lucky dog!

The statistical analysis department here at The Lint Screen recently issued a 146-page report detailing the most popular key words that have attracted readers to this site.

According to the number crunchers, here’s the catnip for curious eyeballs:
moon
lost
Swedish Bikini Team
job hunting
X-ray porn
cute kitten
oilade
fab four
lonely

These key words are the cheese that attracts the most people on our planet to this hub of intelligencia and good taste.

So, the marketing department of The Lint Screen suggested we do a posting that combined all these power players in one entry. Like a dream team playing its greatest hits, if you will.

Here we are. And just for good measure, the creative department (usually lazy no-goodniks with feet propped on desktops and heads nestled in clouds) wanted to add something new: pork brains (who knows, maybe these two words will attract new readers to Lint).

Feel free to poke around the key words above and see what’s the most popular Lint to date. Please come again because we may be cooking up some more pork brains with the culinary department here at Lint.

Pork brain pastries, perhaps?