Entries tagged with “The Lint Screen”.


The new Chief of Staff listens attentively as the skipper speaks about Charlottesville.

Using a new innovative technology, The Lint Screen has developed a device with the ability to read the minds of mortals.

We hacked the skull of General Kelly, the newly-appointed White House Chief of Staff, as he listened to President Trump’s comments on Charlottesville Tuesday. Here is a brief sampling of his thoughts:

“No… no… don’t say that… no… NO!!!…
Good God, what are you doing???
Please, please, please, for once in your life, shut your pie hole!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have any idea what you’re talking about???
Stop, please, stop now, I beg of you…

I blame myself, what kind of an idiot knowingly steps on a land mine? Hell, does a tap dance on a land mine! What was I thinking accepting this position?

Breathe, John. Breathe! Relax. He has to shut up soon…
No. Nope. No such luck. The man is incapable of silence. Unbelievable.

War–– I need a war to fight to take my mind off this insanity.
A good war would be so nice. War is predictable, rational. War makes sense. I wish I was in a nice war instead of here…

WHAT????!!!
No, no, no, what the hell are you doing???!!!!!!” Stop!

And, scene.

The chief loves the praise he gets twice a day!

The Lint Screen has an exclusive so hot, you may need solar eclipse glasses and oven mitts to read it.

When it was reported last week that glorious leader Donald Trump receives two folders each day chock-full of good news about the great job he’s doing, our journalistic sleuths went to work.

Below are excerpts of the praise for our tremendous commander-in-chief contained within one of these special folders:

THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT OF THAT MORNING’S ‘FOX & FRIENDS” SHOW, ALONG WITH A PICTURE OF HOSTS STEVE DOOCY, BRIAN KILMEADE, AND AINSLEY EARHARDT GIVING THEIR THUMBS UP, SIGNED WITH THE SALUTATION, “KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK, MR. PRESIDENT! WE LOVE YOU AND ARE PROUD TO LIVE IN YOUR COUNTRY!!!”

A LETTER FROM 9-YEAR OLD MATTHEW BUCKSIN OF GASDEN, ALABAMA (WRITTEN IN PENCIL, REPRINTED EXACTLY)––
Dere Prezidant Trump,
I think you are the best prezidant ever!!! Better than Linkon, Washingtun and evryune els.
You are my hero and I am prowd and wuld lik to mete you sum day.
Mak Amerika grat agin!
Sincerlee,
Matt Buckskin
Honore Studant

A SELECTION OF TWEETS:
@deathtoimmigrants
Anyone who doesn’t think Trump will Make America Great Again should be deported–– support our AMAZING PRESIDENT, OR GET THE HELL OUT!!!

@ericthebestson
I sincerely believe Donald J. Trump is the best leader America has ever had and I love him very much. He’s also the greatest businessman and dad ever! I would love to have dinner with him sometime soon. Pleeeeeeeease!!!

@libtardhater
Hey snowflakes… you lost!!! Hillary should be in jail! DJT is in charge, doing an incredible job getting so much done and MAGA!!!

@killthemall
If you talk against Trump, you are unAmerican and should be shot. Free speech! Trump was a TV star, now he’s the star of the world. If he can’t Make America Great Again, nobody can. SUPPORT TRUMP!!!

@whiteasrain
The Donald is going to build that wall and Mexico will pay for it! Bank on it! Trump is a man of his word and if you don’t believe him your (sic) an idiot!!!

@sexyivanka
Donald J. Trump is such a handsome, charismatic, dynamic, energetic, intelligent, and powerful man, America is lucky to have him. Any woman would die to have such an incredible man. MAGA, you babe-magnet you!!!

A PHOTOGRAPH OF A LION KILLING A GAZELLE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I’m a kitten compared to you. President Trump, you are truly the king of the jungle! —-Leo The Lion”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF KIM JONG-UN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I am very afraid of you because you are such a strong leader. Please do not bomb me! –- Kim Jong-Un, The Leader of North Korea”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF A COAL MINER WITH A DIRTY FACE WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“Thanks for bringing back more clean coal jobs. You are a man of your word, ALWAYS, and clean coal is the answer to all America’s problems! —-Carl The Coal Miner”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF WARREN BUFFET WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I am angry because I am not as smart and rich as you. You make me very, very jealous! Keep up the fantastic work, Mr. President! –– Warren B., Your #1 Fan”

A PHOTOGRAPH OF SUPERMAN WITH THE FOLLOWING INSCRIPTION:
“I wish I was Donald J. Trump. He is the REAL SUPERMAN!”

The rest of the folder included transcripts along with screen captures from the rest of the Fox News schedule of the previous 12-hours.

Does the V.P. have plans to drop the V.?

On Sunday, the failing New York Times reported that Vice President Mike Pence was preparing for a presidential run in 2020, and President Trump was furious at the news report.

“The skipper was mad as a wet rooster in an Ace Hardware,” a White House leaker told The Lint Screen. “Although El Hefe always says ‘fake news,’ the boss man can’t stand the idea of any insubordination. And Pence is such a weasely worm kiss-ass, well, it just might be true.”

And so, the president reportedly has given his number two an opportunity to prove his loyalty.

“The big guy called Pence and told him he needed a show of faith and commitment. He demanded that the veep cut off the pinkie of his right hand, and his wife’s left hand and FedEx both to him,” the anonymous leaking faucet said, as he played with the cuffs of his fancy monogrammed shirt (“JRB” for curious readers).

“The top dog ain’t about to let any mongrel pup get any ideas,” the big mouth said while jiggling with the keys to his Audi 6 (black with tan interior–– the license plate has “451” as three of its digits, but we’ll say no more).

So far, no bloody FedEx deliveries have arrived at Trump’s vacation hotel.

Meanwhile, Jeff Sessions is frantically working to plug leaks in the White House.

Sen. Chuck Schumer announces the Democratic Party’s dynamic new campaign.

Yesterday, the beleaguered Democratic Party unveiled a new rallying cry, and The Lint Screen met with members of Hiley, Musgrove & Binburner, the famed Washington D.C. political marketing group, to discuss the making of the new branding campaign.

“We did extensive focus group testing,” said creative director Chip Musgrove, “and the winning slogan was A better deal. People liked the idea of a better deal for them.”

“It was very scientific,” added senior strategist Tom Hiley. “We asked a wide spectrum of citizens if they would prefer things like a better job, better wages, and a better future. Amazingly, almost a hundred percent of people said they would.”

“Not to be dismissive,” Musgrove said, smiling, “but people who didn’t want those things were obviously brain dead or total idiots. The interesting thing was A better deal tested even better than another proposed line, The absolute best, most tremendous deal ever. Incredible deal. A fabulous deal, believe me! People said that particular line sounded too much like a Republican promise.”

“Those guys are good,” commented Hiley, as he exhaled on his vape (chocolate-peppermint flavored smoke–– delish!).

“We tested hundreds of lines,” said Mark Binburner, senior research director. “Some of those included, We’re not him, Bleed your heart, We’re anything but deplorable, Clintons & Co., Your safe space, We’re gonna make it after all, Where political gets corrected, This donkey can kick, Support Chelsea–– it’s her turn, Bringing sanity to the Thanksgiving table, We embrace collars of every color, Tired of losing & ready to win, Something for everyone, and, Decent people, lousy politicians–– let’s change that, okay?

“We think A better deal will be an incredibly successful rallying cry going forward,” Hiley said. “We don’t know how it can miss–– I mean, it was tested in focus groups.”

“Plus,” added Musgrove, “the new Democratic Party chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, loves it. She thinks it’s perfect, a fresh way of saying we’re all new and improved!”

“Yes, it’s a bold, confident day moving forward,” said Binburner with a broad smile, and two thumbs up.

Proof that mindfulness is no match for irony. No filters, bitches. All natural pain in full color.

I’m taking mindfulness classes. You read right, mindfulness. That’s the big buzzword these days; it’s what all the cool kids are doing.

Mindfulness simply means trying to live in the present moment, enjoying life as it happens without judgment, comparisons, or expectations.

In other words, not allowing fears of the future or regrets of the past wetting the bed of the present.

It’s not as easy as you think. In our age of screens saturation, multitasking mania, and stress-inducing anxiety, most people are frazzled.

Mindfulness classes teach meditation, yoga, and keeping a singular focus on basic things like eating, drinking, nature, body, emotions, life. This past Sunday, we had a mindfulness retreat in Serenbee, Georgia, a beautiful community of tree huggers and simple lifers.

Coincidentally, many episodes of The Walking Dead have been shot around Serenbee. Zombies seem pretty mindful, don’t you think?

It was a silent six-hour retreat. No talking, no phones, no nothing. Just each of us in the class being led in meditations, yoga, contemplations, and lectures.

We broke for lunch and mindfully ate our food. It was an hour break, and our teachers encouraged us to explore the grounds and feast on nature’s wonders. I took the instruction to heart.

I came upon a tree with a couple of wooden rope swings. I sat in one of the swings and immediately had fond memories of my childhood, I used to swing on the large swingset in our backyard. I began swinging (the skill came back to almost immediately, without lessons). Back and forth, back and forth, higher and higher. I was mindfully lost in the moment, swinging on a beautiful summer’s day when at the apex of my backswing…
THE ROPE BROKE, AND EVIL GRAVITY SLAMMED ME TO THE GROUND–– BUT IT WASN’T GROUND–– IT WAS CONCRETE!!! THE HARD KIND!!!

But, I did not swear. I did not say a word. I examined my arm; my forearm was bleeding. I got up, dusted myself off, and trundled to the bathroom and cleaned my wound. I used paper towels to sop the blood and rested my arm on it for an hour or so in the class to stop the bleeding. No bandage necessary.

After class, I showed my teachers the boo-boo and told my tale. They looked worried, probably thinking I was a litigious mook seeking a big payday. I laughed recalling the incident.

It was funny to me then and now. The irony of working to settle the tempest in your mind, finding genuine tranquility and connectedness with the moment, only to have nature show you who’s boss.

Irony 1. Mindfulness 0.

Here’s what may be on tap for the bigwig talks in Germany!

In an exclusive, The Lint Screen has acquired the list of possible conversation starters President Donald J. Trump will be using for his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit.

1. I won the election in a landslide. Huge victory. Incredible feat. No one expected it. I’m president, and they’re not!
2. Even with my enormous victory, crooked Hillary had over three million fake votes. Even cheating, I still beat her like a drum.
3. My inaugural crowd was massive. Biggest ever.
4. I like Russian dressing. So good for dipping.
5. You don’t get pestered by fake news, right? How do you shut it down?
6. My daughter’s name is Ivanka. That’s Russian, right? Beautiful name for a beautiful woman. It’s not weird to want to marry your own daughter, right?
7. Do you like my tie? The label has my name. Buildings all over the world have my name on them, too.
8. Are you excited about “Game of Thrones” coming back? I am. I have a big screen TV. Huge picture. Incredible picture. I like horses. You like riding horses, right?
9. Could I get your autograph? You give me yours, I’ll give you mine. We can be pen pals.