Entries tagged with “The Lint Screen”.


PricewaterhouseCoopers show their super-scientific voodoo accounting magic for the Oscars.

Following last night’s epic Oscars fail by PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) by mixing up the envelopes for the Best Picture winner, many of the accounting firm’s clients are demanding their tax returns be re-done.

“How can we trust their calculations?” asked Comax Industries President Maxwell Fluber. “For all I know, they put our tax return in the wrong envelope. Or, maybe instead of paying over a hundred and twelve million in taxes last year, we should be getting a huge refund. Who knows with PwC?”

Indeed, many of the accounting firm’s clients are referring to the Oscars mishap as being “PwC-ed” and they are questioning all actions conducted by PricewaterhouseCoopers.

“They’ve been telling me for years that our business is bad,” J.C. Penney CEO Marvin Ellison told The Lint Screen. “So, I listened to them and just announced we’re closing a bunch of stores to save money, but now I’m wondering if we shouldn’t be expanding instead! Maybe business is great and America is ready for our stylish fashions! I’d hate to get PwC-ed out of business.”

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The President is so good at his job, he’s going to do the media’s job also.

Following President Donald J. Trump spanking of fake news yesterday, the White House has drafted a list of approved questions for the media to ask in press conferences.

“We had to do this,” Jeremy Bostwich, White House senior advisor told The Lint Screen. “Since the fake news is running rampant and not reporting the excellence exhibited every day by this incredible administration, we must do their job for them. I hope they are ashamed of their dereliction of duties but happy we’ve saved their bacon. You’re welcome.”

Here is the list of approved questions to ask the President:

1. What’s your favorite color?
2. Why do you think the crowd was so large on your inauguration day?
3. Do you think is was the largest crowd assembled in history? I mean, possibly?
4. Do you have a favorite Beatle?
5. Who do you think should have succeeded you in “The Apprentice”?
6. What are the milestones of your first thirty days in office?
7. Has this been the most successful presidency in history?
8. If you had to pick a second place whose presidency would you select?
9. What’s your favorite pizza topping?
10. Do you ever tire of winning? I mean, really?
11. Why do you tolerate the media? Part two: should the free press be abolished?
12. That’s a beautiful tie, who makes it?
13. How does it feel to have won in the largest landslide in political history?
14. Would you serve a third term, if the lazy Congress changed the law?

Now, perhaps the fake news will get real.

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Wilson when he was a superstar in Tinsel Town.

If your name is Wilson, Hollywood ain’t exactly La La Land singing, dancing and technicolor love-goo!

The handsome volleyball, who co-starred with Tom Hanks in 2000’s blockbuster movie Cast Away, has been on the beach ever since looking for another major motion picture role.

“It’s a damn shame,” Coco Vilsette, Wilson’s agent told The Lint Screen. “Tom Hanks has starred in a billion movies since then, and poor Wilson can’t get arrested in this town. He landed a minor role in a porn film project in Tarzana, and even then, he ended up on the cutting room floor. Apparently, the director didn’t think a charismatic volleyball added to his artistic vision.”

The movie business is notoriously rough on the careers of aspiring actors, but Wilson is in a league all his own.

“Wilson carried Cast Away,” his agent said. “Hanks knew it, Bobbie Zemeckis knew it. Without Wilson’s stellar performance and his ability to memorize lines and sell them with absolute conviction, Hanks would have had no transformative moment. And when Wilson is lost at sea in the film’s climax, well, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. His performance was magic, classic.”

But, after the film did boffo biz, all Wilson’s phone calls were crickets. “Apparently the roles for spherical objects are few and far between. Wilson was up for the lead in The Martian, but he got edged by Matt Damon because Ridley Scott thought he looked better in a space suit. Crap like that happens all the time in this godforsaken town.”

When Tom Hanks was contacted for his comment on his co-star’s dire career plunge, he said, “Wilson? Who’s that?”

Oh, the cruelty of the business that is show!

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Frederick Douglass was recognized for his good work.

In a tragic turn of events, Frederick Douglass, who President Trump recently recognized for his “amazing work” died as a result of The Bowling Green Massacre.

Douglass was 198-years-old.

“It’s a horrible end to an incredible life,” Prof. William Jebberby of Gibney University told The Lint Screen. “It’s always sad when someone gets cut down in the prime of his life. We can only imagine the incredible and amazing things Frederick Douglass might have done with the years he had left.”

The body count from the Bowling Green Massacre continues to add up, but those who have perished will never be forgotten.

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Phil wishes he were blind today.

There’s a critter who is hating the sun today.

Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who has his own holiday and movie, saw his shadow this morning when he exited his burrow in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Tradition says that his shadow sighting foretells six more weeks of winter weather for our nation.

“This will not stand,” said Craig Pewinstar, a local electrician. “I’ve had enough winter weather, and I don’t see why we should be bullied by a chubby rat-like creature. As an American, I’ve got my rights, and I don’t want any more winter! Bring on spring! Make America warm again.”

Pewinstar began recruiting more people to his cause against Punxsutawney Phil, and soon an angry mob formed demanding the famous groundhog be put to death. Judge Samuel Wilkins, who said he was tired of shoveling snow, pounded his gavel and sentenced Punxsutawney Phil to be executed at sunset.

“It’s very unfortunate,” local resident Yancy Hawroot told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think poor Phil read the anger of many Americans. He miscalculated, and the consequences could be tragic.”

Hawroot leaped into action and called the ACLU and PETA to help save the pitiful groundhog. While representatives say they are on their way to plead Punxsutawney Phil’s case, there is no word yet if he will receive a stay of execution. “My hope is that cooler heads will prevail,” Hawroot said. “Or, maybe we can get Phil to disavow his shadow sighting.”

Craig Pewinstar broke a bottle and brandished it at Hawroot. “Good luck with that, snowflake! That warthog’s pushed us around long enough, and we’re finally going to get some damn justice!”

Pewinstar was restrained.

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An upset Bat Boy rails against the evils of fake news!

Bat Boy, the sensation discovered by the “Poo-Litzer Prize” winning WEEKLY WORLD NEWS has surfaced again and is making headlines with his tirades against fake news.

“I’ve had it,” an irate Bat Boy told The Lint Screen. “Reporters must uphold the highest degree of journalistic standards, or we are little more than knuckle-dragging apes searching for scraps of informational nourishment. We need a viable and vibrant fifth estate for this sacred duty, and if the integrity of the institution is questionable, well, I fear for humanity.”

Bat Boy suddenly lunged forward and drove his sharp fangs deep into the throat of this reporter, who began bleeding profusely.

“Don’t be such a baby,” Bat Boy said. “Get up, tie a tourniquet around your neck and write your damn story. You’re on deadline, man–– you’ve got a job to do. Now go.”

Here’s your story, people, I hope you’re happy. And let’s keep fake news out of the news.

Now, I think I’ll pass out…

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