Entries tagged with “Vaseline”.

The new face of America will be hard to recognize.

The political grandstanding in Washington has resulted in a game of chicken with neither side blinking and our foreign creditors looming outside our door twirling their handlebar mustaches and laughing evilly. But citizens, do not think Washington is broken!

In a bold and decisive move, both the House and Senate have unanimously approved a bill that would purchase an ingenious disguise for every American to wear after we miss our debt payments and have to go into what economists call “severe deadbeat status.”

“It’s a plan that everyone on the Hill likes because we don’t have to raise taxes, close tax loopholes, cut any spending or do anything that will cost us political capital,” said an anonymous House Representative. “When our creditors come looking for us to get their money, every American can simply shrug and say we don’t know where all the Americans went– we’re new in this country. It’s foolproof really. The only fly in the Vaseline is how we’re going to raise the money needed for 311,884,965 fake glasses and mustaches. Fortunately, we’ve been able to secure a special government discount on these for only $42.35 each from a subsidiary of Halliburton. We’ll find the money, I’m sure!”

Dear Tig:

Heard you’re in a bit of a stew with the ol’ ball ‘n chain. Sorry, dude– stuff happens, you know?

One time my wife got angry with me because I had put a thin coat of Vaseline on the kitchen floor before this big party we were hosting. I did it because Vaseline makes hard woods shine like glass. Well, our clumsy friends slid all over the place and a couple of them fell and broke some bones and smacked their noggins on countertops.

Fortunately, Vaseline protects against blood spills and stains.

I had to haul people to the emergency room and everything– clumsy idiots! Long story short, I took the rap for what she called “the world’s stupidest idea” and my ZIP Code was the doghouse for a good stretch. Jeesh, louise!

All of this is to relate to you that marriage is sometimes tougher than ten year old Sugar Babies, and like a marital tussle, you might end up with a chipped tooth, or two.

I guess your wife got upset because you apparently were out of town and ‘forgot’ you were married and had relations with ‘temporary wives.’ Bad idea, buddy. Most wives don’t allow their hubbies to engage in hanky or panky. No wonder your wife went cattywonkers.

Now your high-paying sponsors are dropping like flies in a fog of Black Flag, you’re off the golf circuit and a different new Tiger scandal pops up in the press daily. You’ve gone from the world’s first billionaire athlete to King Cad-Schmuckyton.

It’s like some great Shakespeare tragedy. Sad. So sad, so very sad.

So, what I was wondering is since you’re not doing much of anything anyway, would you mind giving me some golf lessons for $5 an hour?

Let me know. Thanks, dude.

I could have the answer to your prayers...

I could have the answer to your prayers...