Entries tagged with “Vladimir Putin”.

Here’s what may be on tap for the bigwig talks in Germany!

In an exclusive, The Lint Screen has acquired the list of possible conversation starters President Donald J. Trump will be using for his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit.

1. I won the election in a landslide. Huge victory. Incredible feat. No one expected it. I’m president, and they’re not!
2. Even with my enormous victory, crooked Hillary had over three million fake votes. Even cheating, I still beat her like a drum.
3. My inaugural crowd was massive. Biggest ever.
4. I like Russian dressing. So good for dipping.
5. You don’t get pestered by fake news, right? How do you shut it down?
6. My daughter’s name is Ivanka. That’s Russian, right? Beautiful name for a beautiful woman. It’s not weird to want to marry your own daughter, right?
7. Do you like my tie? The label has my name. Buildings all over the world have my name on them, too.
8. Are you excited about “Game of Thrones” coming back? I am. I have a big screen TV. Huge picture. Incredible picture. I like horses. You like riding horses, right?
9. Could I get your autograph? You give me yours, I’ll give you mine. We can be pen pals.

Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal

Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal

Rooskie #1, Vladimir Putin, has scored a first for world leaders by snagging the first gold medal at the Sochi Olympic Games.

“I defy anyone to find another country’s president who ever won any medal in Olympics history,” said a beaming Putin as he wore his gold medal on his bare chest with erect nipples responding to the cool Sochi breezes. “You think Queen Elizabeth, Obama, Merkel, Peres or Pope Francis could compete on the same level I can? And what of these so-called athletes who train their entire lives? Yes, they too are made to look foolish by my magnificence and humble, giving nature,” Putin said lighting a cigarette and kicking a stray dog.

Indeed, fact checkers with The Lint Screen could find no record of a world leader even competing in the Olympics, except for Calvin Coolidge who had a tepid performance in the wrestling competition of the 1924 Summer games in Paris.

As for Putin, the audience did not witness what he did to earn his medal, but the judges awarded it to him in a unanimous decision. “President Putin is truly a marvel of athleticism,” said one Russian judge. “If he chose to, I have no doubt he would win all the gold medals and in fact we would have to mine for more gold–– his glory is that impressive!”

Putin bowed his head as he listened to the compliments laid at his altar. The Russian leader looked up and added, “Yes, and I am also not gay!”

Putin declares war after "hostile attack" of meteor on Friday.

Putin declares war after “hostile attack” of meteor on Friday.

Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, has declared war on outer space following what he called “an obvious hostile attack on our great nation.”

A meteor struck near Chelyabinsk, Russia, on Friday and injured 1,200 people while damaging 4,000 buildings. According to secret sources, Putin has been “angry as a lanced boil” ever since the incident.

“We shall not let this aggressive, premeditated attack on our fair country stand,” said Putin in a televised speech earlier today. “As of today, Russia is at war with the milky way galaxy. We have thousands of nuclear weapons and we intend to use them all with extreme prejudice. And because I’m crazy for Kubrick, I plan to have Slim Pickens look a-likes riding each nuclear missile into outer space. We’ll see how funny these hostile outer space creatures think that is!”

The world stands at the ready as Russia prepares to go to war.

Putin is inspired by Kubrick!

Putin gets inspired by Kubrick!

Someone vigorously denies always leaving the toilet seat up.

Discerning newshounds do not wish to wade through the morass of the 250,000 leaked diplomatic cables posted recently by WikiLeaks, so the staff of The Lint Screen have selected the following choice morsels for your enlightenment and amazement.

1. Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin is reported to frequently brush his teeth without first flossing. “It is an absolutely outrageous allegation,” says a source close to the Ruskie leader. “Mr. Putin always has minty-fresh breath and almost no tartar or plaque build-up. Obviously his dental hygiene is second to none!”
2. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki leaves the seat up.
3. Hillary Clinton thinks the best way to persuade Egyptian leaders is by using a stage whisper, winking and making occasional wild bird sounds.
4. The secret handshake of Hamas involves elbows, ear wriggling and yogurt.
5. Russia’s president, Dmitry Medvedev is allegedly afraid of moths and saber-toothed tigers.
6. China isn’t buying “the check’s in the mail” explanation for the payback of U.S. debt. Officials say the government will soon try a new tact: “We’re going to claim that we’ve run out of checks and are waiting for new ones to arrive.”
7. French president Nicolas Sarkozy reportedly is a bad french kisser. “He spits like a camel sucking on a lemon.”
8. The spat between Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Saudi’s King Abdullah began years ago when the Iranian leader lent the King his CD of Led Zeppelin’s Houses of The Holy and it came back “looking like a cat used it as a scratching post.”
9. Pakistan’s president Asif Ali Zardari rarely eats salads or collects Mardi Gras masks.
10. The Afghan Taliban’s hygiene is not as good as one might think.
11. The U.S. cables were downloaded when an security insider hacked into the top secret government security system by correctly guessing the password “1234.”
12. WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is a bedwetter, according to angry government security figures.