Now that BP has officially decided to dump CEO Tony Hayward almost 100 days following the Deepwater Horizon catastrophic oil spill, the British executive is updating his resume and preparing to attack the job market.
Asked what his particular strengths are, Hayward became reflective then gushed, “I suppose my strongest suit is my ability to connect with people. I understand human nature and how commoners think. I am unique in my chameleon-like dexterity to adapt to the thinking process of neanderthals and serve up whatever drivel will appease the masses. It’s a gift, actually, my uncanny knack for relating to the lower classes.”
“I’m also quite gifted at cutting costs. I can size up any business quickly and immediately see where the fat lies, then make the tough decisions to trim away the fat leaving nothing but lean, muscular profits. For example, I’d be a perfect CEO for British Airways. I suspect they waste hundreds of millions of pounds on silly things like maintenance and servicing aircraft. I’d see to it that the company shored-up its operations and eliminated expenses like routine maintenance in favor of only fixing things when they fail. This would take the saved expenses directly to the bottom line where they would blossom into sweet, beautiful, magnificent profits. I could do the same thing for just about any business. Nuclear power plants? No need for costly inspections, simply stay the course and keep your fingers crossed. If things go all squiffy, then fix it. But why turn profits into expenses before you have to? It’s not terribly good business. It’s this kind of innovative thinking, along with a firm philosophy of paying good money for lobbyists and politicians, that make me a premier executive any company would be lucky to have at the helm!”
Mr. Hayward will be available for new employment opportunities in October.
I either just found this on the Internet or made it up, so it must be true:
Prospective employers will have to abide by two conditions in any employment contract with Tony or face immediate dissolution of the contract and the payment of a substantial exit bonus. One, Tony is free to attend any yacht race or other events of his choosing without question, and working conditions should never stimulate a desire on his part to “get his life back”. Two, any accident, catastrophe or other circumstance will not be allowed if it changes Tony’s hours of employment or results in his obligation to make apologies or otherwise show any empathy for those affected. In short, there will be no problems!
Sounds very reasonable. The man is nothing, if not fair!
I wish we could get him here at ASO, but suspect he’d be out of our price range…
Rats! I thought he’d be the perfect account planner for you. He’s nothing if not a Brit with his thumb on the pulse of us colonists. Maybe you could review your expenses and amend your policy to never ‘fire the pretty.’
Maybe he’d work for minimum wage and unlimited oil changes. Well, two oil changes a year.
Sign him up immediately, Patrick, no matter what the cost! He’s the perfect man to helm ASO’s yacht in Atlanta’s ad agency racing series, not to mention the perfect man to captain the agency’s cricket and polo teams. I know. You’re reasonably content with having an agency softball team. But look at it this way… with Tony on your roster of agency employees, even if he’s only a ringer, you immediately up your visibility in the Atlanta advertising community.
You might want to consider Gen. McChrystal, too. He’s probably under-employed these days. If you go back to Rolling Stone’s article about him, I think you’ll also see that he’s accustomed to working 20 hours a day. Same as a junior art director or copywriter if I’m not mistaken.
Congratulations, Mr. O., you are now the head of H.R. @ ASO! Thanks, we’ll see you ’round the keg!