1. Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin is reported to frequently brush his teeth without first flossing. “It is an absolutely outrageous allegation,” says a source close to the Ruskie leader. “Mr. Putin always has minty-fresh breath and almost no tartar or plaque build-up. Obviously his dental hygiene is second to none!”
2. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki leaves the seat up.
3. Hillary Clinton thinks the best way to persuade Egyptian leaders is by using a stage whisper, winking and making occasional wild bird sounds.
4. The secret handshake of Hamas involves elbows, ear wriggling and yogurt.
5. Russia’s president, Dmitry Medvedev is allegedly afraid of moths and saber-toothed tigers.
6. China isn’t buying “the check’s in the mail” explanation for the payback of U.S. debt. Officials say the government will soon try a new tact: “We’re going to claim that we’ve run out of checks and are waiting for new ones to arrive.”
7. French president Nicolas Sarkozy reportedly is a bad french kisser. “He spits like a camel sucking on a lemon.”
8. The spat between Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Saudi’s King Abdullah began years ago when the Iranian leader lent the King his CD of Led Zeppelin’s Houses of The Holy and it came back “looking like a cat used it as a scratching post.”
9. Pakistan’s president Asif Ali Zardari rarely eats salads or collects Mardi Gras masks.
10. The Afghan Taliban’s hygiene is not as good as one might think.
11. The U.S. cables were downloaded when an security insider hacked into the top secret government security system by correctly guessing the password “1234.”
12. WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is a bedwetter, according to angry government security figures.
Only 12? That means you’re withholding 249,988 diplomatic cables. I have a couple thousand of them. When I’ve had a chance to sort through my notes this weekend, I’ll send a few gems. I can tell you at least one of them. Few people know, for example, that Angela Merkel of Germany loves sauerkraut so much that she’s known in diplomatic circles as “Frau Fartzein.”
That’s some hot scoop! Lint staffers (and the rest of Earth) await other dispatches. Thanks for the deep dive, our folks are sloooow readers.
Shocking WikiLeak revelation: Sarkozy’s wife, Carla Bruni, trades “top secret” fashion tips with Sarah Palin.
Holy macaroni, you just blew my mind. Up is down, lions and lambs make nice, candy is diet food.
Earth shattering news, that scoop.
Up is down? Lions and lambs make nice? Candy is diet food? That was the next secret I was going to reveal. WikiLeaks got the info when they tapped into the Vatican’s papal cables. Also, contrary to what WikiLeaks may report next week or shortly thereafter, the pope has NEVER been Silvio Berlusconi’s “wingman.”
Yowee kazowee, you are more plugged-in than an Oster Toaster! Thanks for the inside skinny.
Just found out that posting anything about WikiLeaks could materially diminish my chances of ever having a career at the State Department, possibly even in the White House. So please disregard any/all secrets that I’ve revealed. FYI: If they haven’t called me for a top position in DC within a week, I’ll tell you everything I know.
Uh oh… looks like my Ambassadorship to the Ukraine is shot. Cripes!
Wait’ll you get to the one about Obama being a registered Republican! While we hoped, he changed.
Great comment, Ms. Z. Thanks.
Here’s a startling leak, and after some consideration I don’t find it all that surprising. It is a worry, because once this gets out, all hell will break loose:
President Obama consults The Lint Screen for late-breaking news and advice.
Shhhhhhhh.
You’ll be ‘disappeared’ if this keeps up, Mister!
Actually, I’m worried. There’s a suspicious car parked in the corner of the parking lot and a man with a cane is waiting for me in the lobby. A plain van is parked out at the street under a utility pole and there’s a guy halfway up mounting a strange electronic device aimed at my building. The phone just rang and it was a hangup. I got an email with no subject and the message is in Arabic. The coffee tastes funny and I can’t remember what day it is. And I can’t hear my girlfriend screaming anymore.
O.K., Bill, the important thing is to remain calm. REMAIN CALM!!!
Do not take any personal belongings, just quickly open the window and exit.
Run, don’t walk, to a safe zone (the restroom room of a library). Hide in a stall.
Do not mumble to self! Mumblers get caught. I will dispatch a rescue squad.
(there, Special Agent Ferguson, I did as you said. Will you please give me my Popeye action figure back now…)
I’m not traveling by air now or at any time in the near future, Patrick. Nonetheless, TSA just showed up at my place for an in-home pat-down. I protested a little, but since I’m a red-blooded American male who fully supports homeland security, I eventually settled back and followed their instructions to the letter. If it’s Special Agent Ferguson’s doing, please thank him, okay?
Bill, before panicking, you should remember that it’s December. The season is the reason for the events you describe. If you look closer, you will see that the suspicious “car” is actually a parked sleigh. The man in the lobby is carrying a CANDY cane. That “electronic device” aimed at your building is a homing device for the reindeer to find you. The mystery email is written in Elfese, and your girlfriend stopped screaming because she wants to be NICE, not naughty.
However, if you choose to follow Pat’s advice and hide in the library bathroom stall, do NOT, under any circumstances, assume a wide stance! Agent Ferguson may notice and give you more of a pat-down than even Curvin could tolerate!
Bill, I suggest you take Ms. Z’s invaluable advice. Be accepting and open to holiday generosity and good cheer, but ever vigilant against the forces of evil.
We know not what anyone has in store for us– be it a kiss on the cheek or punch in the gut.
Thanks, Ms. Z for wisdom so deep!
Curvin, the home TSA-check is a new initiative that many question.
I say relax and enjoy the enhanced security.