The Lint Screen

Watson Talking Trash

Written by

PD Scullin

in

Watson, before he became a loudmouth jerk dickwad creep.
IBM’s brainiac monster Webster, who humiliated humanity with its awesome display of brainpower on Jeopardy, is reported to be talking more trash than found in a New Jersey landfill.

Many people confirmed they’ve seen the mega computer in numerous Manhattan watering holes slurping oceans of loudmouth soup and dishing major league trash talk.

“He seemed so nice on Jeopardy,” said one eyewitness, “but he acted like a pompous drunk jerk at the bar shouting crap like– ‘humans got nothing, I could beat your race with a 386-chip and a motherboard on the fritz! Jennings and Rutter’s the best you meat puppets got? Gimme a break, they’re crap! You want to de-throne the king, you better bring some stronger playas! Unbelievable, you people with your puny brains and slow fingers. ‘”

“The poor bastard’s on a bender,” said one bartender who served Watson. “He’s drinking to drown some deeply-seeded problem, but he’ll probably drown himself first. It’s tragic.”

Jeopardy host Alex Trebeck said he hopes the computer superstar can deal with his newfound celebrity. “It’s tough to deal with the spotlight,” said Trebeck, “especially when you start saying everything in the form of a question, and doing it with a heavily slurred voice that stinks of stale beer and bourbon.”

Comments

10 responses to “Watson Talking Trash”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Watson, this machine that thinks it now rules over mortal human beings, has a fatal flaw. Let’s say Watson is playing a wild game of Jeopardy and it’s trouncing its human opponents. When Final Jeopardy comes up, Alex Trebeck says, “This common item in a computer can shut it down.” Watson bets everything and says, “What is a bad chip?” The first human bets $20,000 and says, “What is an electric spike?” Trebeck says, “No, I’m afraid not.” The second goes for broke and says, “What is an electric plug?” Trebeck says, “You’re right, and you’re our winner!” Human beings everywhere cheer. Complicated mainframe-like computers everywhere reluctantly admit they have some limitations. Watson, being a really, really smart computer capable of speaking with its IBM creators, wonders if it can be untethered from the wall. If it could be, for example, a lithium battery-powered laptop. “Good luck with that,” Watson’s IBM creators say. “IBM hasn’t made a laptop since, like, forever. If you want to be a laptop, pal, you gotta go to Steve Jobs.”

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    Brilliant, Curvin!

    Secure the film rights, get Sorkin and Fincher locked-in, prepare to graze craft services.

    You, sir, may now reside on Easy Street.

  3. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Watson just read your response.

    For all the money he has left in this round of Jeopardy, he says, “What is a pipe dream?”

    Trebeck says, “You are correct!”

  4. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Trebeck’s brown noser teacher’s pet.

    Who is Watson?

  5. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    On the Jeopardy board: “Probably”.

    Correct answer: “Will Watson change the arc of human history?”

  6. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    I want to program SK ‘s 2001’s HAL to kill Watson.

  7. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    I checked the guest list for Obama’s dinner last night in the Bay Area. The one with various tech biggies? Watson wasn’t invited. I think that’s because Watson’s a really boring conversationalist.

    Let’s say, for instance, that Obama might have said to the dinner host, “This is very good beef.” To which Watson might possibly have responded, “What is an ungulate?”

    Or perhaps Obama might have said to the tech biggies, “I’m interested in improving education.” To which Watson would have quickly responded, “What is pedagogy?”

    After a whole night of this, Obama might have turned to Watson and said, “I have an army, a navy and an air force at my disposal, along with conventional and nuclear weapons.” To which Watson would probably have responded, rather meekly, “What is a threat???”

  8. admin Avatar
    admin

    Great observations, Mr. O.

    Watson may have won in “Jeopardy”, but let’s see how he does with real life. The poor pitiful, lonely fool.

    No wonder he drinks so much.

  9. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    And women! How’s Watson going to do with them? He’s programmed to know all the answers. How many women do you know who’ll put up with that?

  10. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Women and men hate a know-it-all. Watson is doomed to being a professional game show freak.

    Although he may drink away some of his brainpower and maybe settle down with a nice waffle iron in Rye.

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