The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Looney GOP Reps Want Santos As Speaker of House

    Rep. Lauren Boebert is ready to back her House Speaker candidate, George Santos!

    The clown car unloaded yesterday as Republican Representatives filled The People’s House to select their leader.

    Pitiful Rep. Kevin McCarthy tried three times to become Speaker of The House, but despite making countless concessions and bending over like Gumby at an orgy, the craven Trump-sycophant came up short. The gang of 19 Republicans–make that 20 loonies- are determined to “drain the swamp.” When asked what they wanted, they gave their demand––”George Santos!“

    “I sincerely believe George Santos is the poster child of today’s Republican Party,” Rep. Lauren Boebert tells The Lint Screen. “He is a man of impeccable character and has promised to issue AR-15s to all American citizens. What better proof do we need that he supports law and order?”

    Rep. Matt Gaetz is also a big Santos fan. “I like that he wants to destroy the FBI, lock all those Fed agents up, and abolish the evil IRS. Americans shouldn’t have to pay taxes––taxes are an outrage and an assault on our freedom! Plus, I also heard George Santos has some hot nieces, and he said he’d introduce them to me. Sweet, right?”

    Rep. Scott Perry joins his kooky pals in the camp supporting Santos as House Speaker.

    “No one has proven their love for America more than George Santos,” the creepy cretin claims. “The man fought in both World War I and II, Korea, Viet Nam, Grenada, Iraq, and Afghanistan––if that kind of bravery doesn’t depict a true patriot, I don’t know what does!”

    Perhaps Santos’s biggest fan is Rep. Andy Biggs.

    “George Santos has more integrity in his little finger than Kevin McCarthy has in his entire body,” Biggs says. “Look at all the Santos accomplishments: he invented a cure for cancer, won 16 Olympics Gold Medals, and was the founder of Google, Lay’s Potato Chips, and General Electric. He also memorized the Bible at age four! We would be crazy to pass up the opportunity to have this great person lead us and rewrite American history.”

    However, Santos has one vocal GOP detractor, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.

    “I don’t like that Santos is Jew-ish,” she says. “That means he’ll be putting more lasers into space and melting our ice caps.”

    Rep. Paul Gosar walked into The House of Representatives and began distributing aluminum foil hats for all his GOP compatriots.

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Run away and join the circus––click here for a helluva fun ride.

  • McCarthy Will Lower Consent Age and Clean Toilets For Votes

    McCarthy Will Lower Consent Age and Clean Toilets For Votes

    Rep. Kevin McCarthy is the official GOP tool in upcoming Congress.

    Poor, poor, Rep. Kevin McCarthy. The shameless Trump sycophant sold his soul long ago, but that wasn’t enough to make his Republican Congressional colleagues happy.

    McCarthy always wanted to be Speaker of The House when he grew up, and now the pitiful bastard is promising to do whatever it takes to secure the necessary 218-votes for him to become the leader.

    The sleazy schmuck Rep. Matt Gaetz told McCarthy he would get his vote if he promised to make a “special concession” for him.

    “Kevin needs to change the age of consent laws,” Gaetz said. “Women are growing up so fast now. It doesn’t seem fair to deny the lovely ladies a chance to be with a sexy Florida Congressman. Especially when the girls can earn some extra allowance money.”

    McCarthy agreed to Gaetz’s demand and will work on passing legislation to lower the age. 

    But that isn’t enough to lure the votes of other Republican Representatives.

    “I’m pretty handy,” McCarthy tells The Lint Screen, “and I promised to clean the toilets and gutters of any Republican representative who votes for me. Those are dirty jobs, but I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t mind getting his hands or tongue filthy. Ask President Trump. I’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done.”

    McCarthy also must appease the GOP’s lunatic fringe caucus.

    “The moment I become Speaker,” he brags, “we’ll begin looking into the Benghazi-Hunter Biden-Hillary’s-emails-children-eating stories. We’ve got to expose the hidden truth!”

    Kevin McCarthy crosses his arms in a confident pose.

    “I look forward to working on behalf of what’s really important to the American people,” he says. “And that includes getting to the bottom of the Bernie Sanders exotic dancing scandal. It’s an outrage!” 

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Santos on His Nobel Peace Prize Claim, “Oops!”

    Santos on His Nobel Peace Prize Claim, “Oops!”

    New York congressman-elect George Santos backtracks on many claims.

    George Santos is a misunderstood man. The New York congressman-elect is backtracking on many of the wild claims made during his campaign run. Falsehoods pepper his résumé, but he says they are “not intentional––they’re merely miscommunications.”

    “I didn’t actually win the Nobel Peace Prize,” Santos tells The Lint Screen. “In third grade, I won a Noble Paste Prize for being a good student with Elmer’s Glue at St. Pat’s Elementary School. The nuns loved me. I guess my secretary mistakenly thought it was the other prize. Brenda was an awful secretary, and I’ve since fired her.”

    Santos was raised Catholic and says his claim of being a Rabbi was another “oopsie-boner” his secretary made. 

    “I’m not Jewish but I feel very Jew-ish,” he says. “I mean, I like bagels and all of Stephen Spielberg’s movies, and my stupid secretary must have thought I was a Rabbi. She said it was an honest mistake, and I apologize to anyone who thought the claim was intentional. Brenda was very bad at her job.”

    The bespeckled Pinocchio also clarifies some of his previous claims made during the campaign. 

    “I didn’t graduate from Harvard, but I do have one of their red sweatshirts,” he chuckles. “And I always feel smarter when I wear it!”

    He shakes his head, sighing. “I confess I also wasn’t in The Beatles,” he says. “I love their music, and my idiot secretary must have thought I was in the band. Brenda was the worst. I should have fired her long ago.”

    Santos says he looks forward to serving his constituents in Congress when he will be sworn in on January third. 

    “I’ve told Kevin McCarthy I’ll back him a hundred percent to become Speaker of The House,” the nonstop liar says. 

    The Lint Screen contacted McCarthy to comment on the Santos lying scandal.

    “George Santos is the epitome of today’s Republican Party,” McCarthy said. “He is a person of impeccable character, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, with the wisdom to vote for the best man to become Speaker of The House.”

    Makes sense.

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Trump Calls January 6 Committee Report “Very Boring”

    Trump Calls January 6 Committee Report “Very Boring”

    Trump falls asleep while reading the January 6 Committee’s Final Report.

    Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump is not impressed with the House January 6 Committee’s Final Report.

    “It’s awful,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “The Democrat commies claim my supporters invaded The Capitol, beat up cops, and caused lots of damage. That never happened. MAGA people respect the rule of law and would never trespass. The book has so many lies, it’s very boring. The story needed space aliens, leprechauns, or flying horses to spice it up.”

    Trump is known for his voracious reading habits. “I read Bazooka Joe comics, fast food wrappers, and most all of my Truth Social posts. You name it––I’ve read it. The secret to reading is moving my eyes. Many people don’t do that. I’m an incredible reader.”

    The portly man claims he read the entire 845-page-tome in one sitting.

    “I was turning the many, many pages and couldn’t believe what I was reading,” Trump says. “It was all lies, so many lies. They say I held a January 6 rally and got the MAGA crowd very angry. The unfair Committee makes it sound like I was a sore loser and wanted people to overturn the government. Why would I do that? I was already the President, I had won re-election by a landslide. And poor Joe Biden was homeless, so I let him move into The White House. Does the lamestream media give me credit for that? No. It’s very unfair. I moved my Oval Office to Mar-A-Lago.”

    Trump denies any wrongdoing on January 6.

    “All the photos and videos of Trump people storming the Capitol are fake,” he says. “Like that Avatar movie. None of it happened. No MAGA people were rioting at The Capitol, and no tall blue people are living underwater. It’s movie magic, fake make-believe. The whole report is an another witch hunt and a disgrace. I am The Chosen One. God said so. And God should know. He’s very smart. God would clean up on Jeopardy, believe me.”

    Trump shakes his head in disgust as his nest of hair moves.

    “I am the greatest president ever,” he declares. “Everyone says so. Much better than Lincoln––he was a loser but got good press. I think it was his beard. But Lincoln never had NFT trading cards of him doing heroic things. They made digital cards for me, and people pay a lot of money to own them because everyone loves Trump. That’s what they should write books about––the many ways people love me.”

    The blowhard walks away, mumbling to himself, “Everyone loves Trump.” He repeats the mantra going down the hall. 

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • MTG: “I would have burned down the House on January 6”

    Ms. Looney Tunes talks smack.

    Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is a rock star in the MAGA world.

    The insane woman from Georgia recently talked about the attempted insurrection on January 6, 2021, when a mob of angry treasonous Trumpsters beat cops and ran wild through the People’s House, enabled by traitor GOP ass-kissers.

    “I’ll tell you one thing,” Greene tells The Lint Screen, “if I had been in charge, we would have burned down the House like that Talking Heads song.”

    Greene thinks the people who attempted the coup to keep twice-impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump in office were “too soft, not nearly tough enough” and thus failed.

    “If I had been calling the shots, I’d have had the MAGA patriots armed to the teeth,” Greene proclaims. “And any two-bit Capitol cop who got in our way would get shot. We’d go full metal jacket on resistors. We would do whatever it took to keep President Trump in office so he could maintain law and order. And you better believe I would have hung Mike Pence like a stocking by the fireplace.”

    Greene, who keeps a shit house rat nearby to gauge her sanity, believes she will soon be “the most important person in American politics.” 

    She speaks with confidence. “I am making Kevin McCarthy my bitch. He will do whatever I tell him to do. We’re going to look into Hunter Biden’s involvement in Benghazi and selling children on Etsy. Plus Fauci’s plot to replace humans with raccoons. Raccoons will not replace us!”

    The woman gives a smug smile. “I am the queen of Fox, Newsman, Infowars, and all the legit media. They love me. Steve Bannon is also crazy about me. I’m a media star and will crush anyone who gets in my way. Steve says I’d be a good Veep for The Chosen One, Donald Trump. And I can’t argue that. It’s God’s will.”

    God help us.

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Hershel Makes Last Minute Appeal, “Vote For A Werewolf”

    The candidate makes a final persuasive argument for why he shouldn’t be elected.

    George Senate candidate Hershel Walker appeared in Dalton recently to make his final case for why he deserves the vote of all Georgians.

    “We got a problem, y’all,” he told a roomful of senior citizens bussed in from local nursing homes. “There are all these vampires out there, and let me tell ya, they’re wanting to bite us on our neck! They’re gonna suck our blood, suck us dry. That ain’t gonna feel so good now, is it?”

    The anti-vampire crowd booed. Hershel held up his arms to quiet his people.

    “Now, I don’t blame y’all,” he said. “No one wants no vampire sinking his teeth in their neck, no sir! And ya know, it don’t have to be that way, not if you send ol’ Hershel here to the–” a nervous Walker looks at his campaign manager, Buddy Wipstetter, who stage whispers, “Senate.”

    “…not if you send ol’ Hershel to the send-it?” Walker looks confused and turns to his portly handler. “Buddy, that don’t make no sense. They can’t send me to the ‘send-it’ cuz I done already been sent.”

    “Senate, Hershel,” Wipstetter clarified. “You’re running for the Senate, remember?”

    “Oh, yeah, that’s right.” Hershel laughs. “Forget what I said about the send-it. My campaign guy over there made a mistake. You gonna send me to the Senate.”

    The crowd cheers.

    “If you give me your support, I can go to–” he looks at Wipsetter. “Where am I going again?”

    “Washington,” the campaign manager said.

    “Washington,” Hershel says confidently. “Now, a lot of people don’t know this, but Washington’s also the name of an apple. Washington apples and let me tell ya they’re mighty good. Washington is also the name of a president, I think. That’s right, Buddy, isn’t it?”

    “Right, Hershel. Absolutely.”

    The candidate smiles. “See? Washington was a president, and I reckon he’s the one who grew those tasty apples we’re all eating. And I don’t think he was no vampire. But I’ll tell ya what, folks–– I ain’t so sure about Rev. Warnock. He just might be a neck biter.”

    The crowd laughs.

    “If y’all vote for me,” Hershel said, closing his persuasive argument, “I’ll turn into a werewolf and take care of all them nasty vampires. Ol’ Hershel’s gonna save your necks.”

    The crowd cheers.

    “And I’m going to fight the zombies, too,” Hershel says. “Cause they’re also a load of trouble.”

    Buddy Wipsetter quickly ushers Hershel offstage as the crowd roars on a rainy night in Georgia.

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.