Scam artist Bernie Madoff is serving time while his lawyer is serving papers to a fellow inmate at Butner Federal Correctional Institution in North Carolina.
With that, the attorney spat on the ground, pivoted abruptly and marched his $1,500 Testoni Norvegese shoes across the prison yard to catcalls. Guards reported later to have heard “Hrrrrumph!” sounded from his direction.
Dear Your Most Honored Honor:
Back in June, you sentenced my loving husband, Bernard Madoff (Prisoner #61727-054), to serve 150-years in federal prison for his crimes of bilking innocent investors out of countless millions, their precious dreams and the remains of their sacred lives.
My husband is a good man, an honorable man, a 71-year old man. I am writing you with a sincere request.
If he serves his full term, Bernie will not be released until June 4, 2159. Your Honorable Honor, if you would shed some mercy, I implore you to reduce his sentence to an early release date of June 4, 2158. Please, let him enjoy some free time before his time is up.
Thank you, kind sir. In closing, I must mention that Bernie told me that you appear to be gaining a lot of weight. He said even in your black robe, you appear to be morbidly obese.
Best wishes,
Ms. Ruth Madoff
Standing By Her Man As Best She Can
In a startling development, a mysterious white knight has come forward with a proposal to rescue the United States economy from the flushing swirly bowl.
The mysterious man goes by the name “Bernie M. Adoff” and has contacted government officials with what he describes as “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money, easy as pie, with no worries, headaches or hassles”… “just give me your money and watch it grow, GRow, GROW!!!”
The magical money multiplier says he has a “proven track record of making fortunes literally overnight.” In a two-page letter sent to President Barack Obama, the self-proclaimed economic recovery hero claims “and putting your money with me is safer than putting it in the bank because I don’t need a stinking bailout to pay you back!”
In his letter, the man requests the government deliver the money (reportedly $2.4 trillion) to a federal prison address. “I’ll pay the government back a very, VERY handsome return over the next few years… up to 150 years. I’m in no hurry, your honor, I’ve got plenty of time to make the U.S. rich again.”
Government officials refused comment on whether the proposal is being considered.
Now that 70-year old Bernie Madoff has been tucked away in prison for up to 150 years (which is not a life sentence given that Madoff sold his soul to live forever), the notorious swindler is in a new legal battle with John Thain, ex-Chairman and CEO of Merrill Lynch.
Madoff found his closet-sized jail cell “pretty confining” so he hired Thain to decorate his new crossbar home. “John has an excellent eye,” Madoff said at the time he secured Thain’s services, “I know he’ll give me something that doesn’t feel so ‘prison-y’.”
Thain, who was lambasted with bad P.R. earlier this year for spending $1.22 million in corporate funds to renovate two conference rooms, a reception area and his office (the tab included a $35,000 commode and $1,400 wastebasket), recently opened an interior decorating firm called Johnny T’s Fab Designateria. He was excited to have Madoff as a client.
Two men met in Madoff’s luxurious New York apartment over three weeks in February discussing the project. “I told John I was on a strict budget, my legal fees are outrageous. I said to him, I said, ‘Johnny, you’ve only got $100 million to play with. I know that’s less than $2 million a square foot but I need something really nice on a tight budget. Please give me something cozy. Maybe a gold-plated commode with emerald-encrusted T.P. holder, a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed that vibrates and dispenses Chteau Latour Pauillac 1990 or some other fine wine, maybe some dangling beads to separate the cell and make rooms look bigger and a rec area with a sequoia pool table or platinum ping pong table. Johnny nodded his head and said ‘No prob, Maddy, I gotcha covered, babe.”
Thain proceeded to bill Madoff $50 million for partial payment and got down to work. Madoff felt confident he was in great hands for the next 150 years of confinement.
When Madoff showed up to his new home recently, he was shocked to discover no gold commode, cool dangling beads, rec center or fancy wine-dispensing bed. His cell was standard issue bland with a couple boxes from IKEA stacked on the bed. Taped on the boxes was an envelope with a note from Thain and an invoice for an additional $50 million. The note read, “Dear Bernie: Since the budget was pretty tight, I got you a GLUR, RHEA, KRIG and FIIR decorating systems from an exclusive little Swedish company I’ve recently discovered. When you put these together, I think you’ll see your cell will take on a more palatial feel. You’re gonna love it babe! Please see about expediting my final payment. I’m a little strapped for cashola and the Swedes are leaning hard on me for their money. Thanks, dude, rock on rockstar! Johnny T.”
Madoff feels like he’s been cheated and has contacted his lawyers to sue Thain. Mr. Madoff is most upset that he cannot correctly assemble his fine Swedish furnishings. “There’s always like three parts left over,” a frustrated Madoff said throwing a small allen wrench against the wall.
Thain could not be reached for comment.
Bernie Madoff, the notorious Wall Street huckster under federal investigation for scamming $50 billion from investors, may have been delivered his karmic comeuppance.
Madoff claims to have recently received an e-mail from an attorney representing a Nigerian Prince. The attorney stated that the deposed Prince was in exile and in desperate need of cash to buy back the throne that was his birthright.
The attorney stated the Prince was willing to sell something he owned that was much more valuable than “mere money” in order to raise the required capital–– “it’s a magic Greek fishing cap that makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.”
The mysterious attorney claimed all the Prince wanted for the magic Fonze Greek fishing cap was $50 billion. No taxes, no hidden fees, no surcharges.
Madoff said he lept at the chance to secure the valuable item. “I’m a big Fonzie fan and always wanted to be just like him. I mean, come on, to have Ritchie, Potsie, Ralph, Mrs. C., Chachi and the whole crew look up to you–- aaayyy, get outta ‘ere, who wouldn’t want that, ehhhh?!”
So, Madoff did as instructed and wired the attorney representing the Nigerian Prince $50 billion. “It was pretty much all the money I had, except for a couple million bucks walking around money that I keep in trouser and jacket pockets. But it’s been four weeks and I still haven’t received the magic Fonzie Greek fishing cap,” said a crushed Madoff. “I hope this Nigerian Prince’s lawyer is on the level. I’d hate to think I was taken advantage of. Hey, Nigerian Prince’s lawyer, if you’re reading this, come on, give up the Greek fishing cap, aaayyyyy!”
With that, Madoff awkwardly thrust a thumb into the air and poked himself in the left eye. “Owwww,” he said, “that hurts. Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”