The Lint Screen

Tag: Harvard University

  • Harvard Commencement Address

    I have prepared this inspirational talk in case I am asked to give the commencement address to the 2010 graduating class of Harvard University…

    When I was your age, I thought the world was mine for the taking.

    I was going to go forth and seize the day, seize the week, the month, the year. I was going to blaze new trails, scale new heights and live life to its absolute fullest. I was going to to throttle this puny planet.

    Then, something remarkable happened. I discovered daytime TV.

    I discovered the joys of game shows and sitcom reruns, juicy soaps and incredibly fascinating talk shows. I discovered a universe of entertainment and enjoyment. And for the next 12 years, I sat transfixed by this magical box. My appointment book was TV Guide.

    You just can’t watch enough television! It can’t be done!
    From time to time a friend or relative would come by and spray me down with a garden hose to minimize my stench, but for the most part, I was unencumbered by the pressures of the real world. I’d dream of having dream jobs like being deputy to Andy in Mayberry, or living in Hooterville with Arnold Ziffle and Lisa Douglas, or being a brain surgeon on General Hospital, or a brainiac contestant on Jeopardy answering my way to wealth. My life was great and I was unbelievably happy.

    Then, unforeseen tragedy struck–– the TV broke and its screen went blank. It took me a week or two before I realized what had happened. At first I thought that the blank screen might just be a new daytime TV concept show, perhaps a minimalist soap with some deep, dark existential message. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. My lifeline had been severed and reality came kicking down the door.

    So, I hoisted myself from my couch indentation and took the world’s longest bathroom break. I sheared my knee-length beard, showered with a high pressure garden hose, updated my resume and went looking for a J-O-B.

    I got hired, hired, fired, hired, hired, hired, hired, hired, hired, fired, hired, fired and then did my own thing. Eventually I met a couple of other guys and we did our own thing. We’re still doing that thing, along with a lot of other things, with a bunch of other people.

    And when I’m deep in the muck, working my way through the mire, doing what needs to be done in a heroic fashion with all the strength and intelligence I can muster, I think one simple thought–– I wonder what’s on TV right now?

    So my simple message to you is this: be willing to explore and discover new channels you’ve never seen before. Don’t be afraid to bravely channel surf where you’ve never channel surfed before. Just remember this sage advice: keep a garden hose handy. It’s a good idea.

    Class of 2010, this puny planet is yours, ready to be throttled. Enjoy, and thank you.

  • Cute Kitten Wants All

    Who could possibly refuse the adorable cuteness of Snowpuff? Surrender, you are powerless to her!
    Snowpuff, quite possibly the cutest kitten to ever grace a litter box, has great ambition intertwined with her adorability– she wants to rule the world! And it’s working. People across the globe are selling their possessions and donating their money to Snowpuff.

    “I’ve never seen a kitten with an adorability quotient that rivals Snowpuff,” said Dr. Thomas F. Suttencroft, a respected authority in Cuteness Studies at Harvard University (official slogan: Where brains get even brainer still!). “Even her name ‘Snowpuff’ is as delightful as can be.”

    Whiskers & Charlie in happy death-free days
    Dr. Suttencroft exuded a regal air as he continued his learned commentary with a rubber-tipped wooden pointer in hand.

    “Back in 1926, there was an adorable kitten named ‘Whiskers’ who was the cherished pet of little Charlie Woodrunner in Stonesboro, Pennsylvania. Many said this kitty was the cutest feline ever, until one dark day when the delightful furry scamp lunged at Charlie’s throat and savagely ripped his jugular vein to shreds. It was a tragedy when Charlie bled-out and made a terrible mess of the Woodrunner living room. Whiskers was arrested, placed in pawcuffs and put on trial for murder. It was the trial of the century that year. After 16 hours of heated deliberation, a jury returned a guilty verdict and the judge sentenced the precious kittykins to death. Whiskers was placed in the lap of a man convicted of vandalism who was seated in the electric chair. Many people thought it odd they put to death a man convicted of vandalism, but there was no one on death row so someone had to be ‘the lap’ for the cute kittycat to sit upon. Those who witnessed the execution of the vandal and the darling kitten reported the last words of Whiskers were, ‘I’ll see you in hell, Charlie Woodrunner, and I’ll teach you not to pet me constantly!” The nation was mortified that such cuteness had turned bad. It was an adorable story that turned quite tragic. But I do not have that impending sense of evil from Snowpuff— she seems like the real deal to me and I am fully devoted to her cuddly lovableness.!”

    Millions of people worldwide who have pledged undying devotion to Snowpuff and her delightful adorability. If you’d like to become part of this global sensation (peer pressure is good!), sell your worldly goods and send the proceeds to me c/o The Lint Screen. I’ll see to it Snowpuff gets the money and you don’t end up like Little Charlie Woodrunner.