The Lint Screen

It was just over 50 years ago when the Fab Four released their first record to a square world and ushered in Beatlemania, moptops and you say you want a revolution–– well, you got it.

Sure, those Brit guys get the glory but a small kid from Ohio (me) had a bit of an influence on the band. Dig.

Here’s the original Lennon-McCartney lyrics to She Loves You:
She loves you,
yes, yes, yes
She loves you,
yes, yes, yes…

I suggested they get a bit more informal–– yeah, yeah, yeah.

The band originally wanted to sport crewcuts, wear cardigan sweaters and perform barbershop quartet music. I suggested they let their hair grow, suit up and play electrified rock and roll music.

The band wanted to drop acid–– sulfuric acid. A punk kid talked them out of it.

The same kid helped them change the lyrics to some of their most famous songs. See if you can guess what those songs were from these original titles the band had: I Am The Wombat, Baby, You’re A Financially Sound Man With A Diversified Portfolio, Carry That Freight, Revolution 7, Penny Loafers, Very Attractive Sadie, Let It Pee, A Day In Wife, Glass Pearl Onion, Cathy Rigby, Everybody’s Got Something To Ride Except Me And My Orangutang, Get Plaque, The Day Before Today, She Came In Through The Coal Chute, While My Guitar Takes Imipramine To Boost Its Spirits and Here Comes That Big Yellow Circle Thingy In The Sky.

Yes, the band changed the world, but it might not have been without some guidance in the shadows from a midwestern youngster.

The Lint Screen has received a copy of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary captured in the raid by Navy SEALs on his compound May 2, 2011. The unannounced visit resulted in bin Laden’s nagging painful death.

The details of the diary are surprising. The diary, measuring 4″ x 6″ has a shiny illustrated cover depicting unicorns and large doe-eyed children holding bunches of colorful balloons. bin Laden wrote in block letters at the bottom of the cover “KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU!”

Some nuggets contained within include the following:
- “I feel fat. I look at my blubber butt in the mirror and just want to cry. I’m such a pig and I hate swine. I get so bummed, I eat another pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I feel better. Chunky Monkey make Osammy happy!”

- “Love those reruns of Andy of Mayberry. Otis the drunk cracks me up. Aunt Bea is kind of hot, too. And that Barney, he is something else! He’s smarter than Goober but not as sweet as Gomer. How I’d love to have terrorized that small town!”

- “Saw a spot for that Gillette Mach 3 razor. I may just chop this Brillo pad off my face. No, no I won’t. I have a weak chin and horrible acne scars. I am shamed, I am shamed.”

- “How I hate QVC. This place is filled with useless crap I’ve bought. How many chip and dip sets does one man need anyway?!”

- “I wish I were more like Horatio on “CSI: Miami”– I should get some shades. Maybe they have them for sale on QVC.”

- “Come on Weather Channel. Give me my ‘Local on The 8′s!’ Oh, here we are. Going to be hot as hell, again…”

More details will be released at a later date.

In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.

“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”