The U.S. Government is about to become deadbeat nation if it defaults on its loans by not raising the debt ceiling by August 2.

For months, Washington has been gridlocked in finding a bipartisan solution. Today, one was found: the United States of America has applied for a Discover Card.

“When we get the card,” said a Washington insider proudly, “we’ll be able to pay our debts plus earn some cash back. We can spend that money on a new bomber or some corn subsidies. Discover is accepted by most foreign powers, so we should be good for awhile. When we get the bill, we’ll just pay the minimum balance. And if we get in over our head and we’re not able to pay the minimum balance, we’ll apply for a Visa. We’ll be fine.”