Entries tagged with “Chester A. Arthur”.


The 45th president of the United States of America. Who is Watson?

Recently it was rumored that a new candidate would enter the 2012 presidential election race, but all the wild speculation about ghosts, brooms and aliens were wrong. The new candidate has announced his plans to seek the Oval Office, and he speaks pretty funny– because he’s not even a human being!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, the new candidate is none other than Watson, the super brainiac computer built by IBM to win game shows.

The Chester A. Arthur robot

“Watson’s entering the race is a real game changer,” said noted political analyst, C. Henrick Taddlewhacker. “Watson is a proven competitor. If Brad Rutter or Kyle Jennings were running, the smart money would be on Watson. I don’t see any human or nonhuman candidates who can challenge his enormous intellect. He would be the first computer president since the Chester A. Arthur robot served from 1881-1885. While the Arthuratron 6000 had a serviceable intellect, Watson is far, far superior. However, I must say that the Chester A. Arthur robot was exceptional in the whisker-growing department. Watson’s biggest challenge will be trying to communicate without stating everything he says in the form of questions. That could get irritating, unless he’s talking with Alex Trebek.”

No other presidential candidate has commented on this latest entry into the race.

You'll be amazed what you don't know about these folks. Seriously, dudes.

Presidents Day is more than just a reason for Pier 1, Bob’s Autorama, and Sports Authority to have sales, it’s also a time to fondly remember Washington, Lincoln and all the great men and woman who have led our country through good times and bad–– preferring the good times because the citizenry wasn’t nearly so whiny.

Here are some facts you may not know about some of our presidents.

1. In a drunken rage, President Franklin Pierce declared on September 4, 1856, “I’ll bet no one remembers diddly-squat about me in the future.” He was right.

2. President Benjamin Harrison was very proud of his magnificent facial hair, so much so, he gave his beard and mustache the nickname Harry McSofty and invited guests to run their fingers through it. If visitors would not take him up on his offer, Harrison would pout and mumble to himself until resistance was futile and strange fingers would comb through his thick facial brush. Harrison would be delighted and giggle like a school girl.

3. President Calvin Coolidge had a tail. He was embarrassed by the posterior growth, and had a girdle-like structure manufactured to contain it. However, witnesses report Coolidge had difficulty suppressing his tail from wagging when he received good news like, if he was a good boy there’d be beefy treats for an afternoon snack.

He certainly looked the part.

4. Rutherford B. Hayes was our only female president, although many believed her strong perfumes and ability to accessorize any outfit to be dead giveaways.

5. Chester A. Arthur was our vainest president. He always referred to himself in the third person saying things like, “Chester A. Arthur thinks this beef is stringy and tough as leather” and “Chester A. Arthur wishes the weather were warmer.” He was once asked by a small child what the “A” in his name stood for, to which the president snapped, “Chester A. Arthur believes children should be seen and not heard, you obnoxious little cur!” He then ordered the child to be executed by a firing squad. He thought better of it later, and magnanimously reduced the child’s punishment to four years of hard labor in a federal prison.

6. President Harry S. Truman kept a dead mouse in his left suit coat pocket. No one knows why, but he often asked heads of state for small pieces of cheese.

7. President Richard Nixon was known to drink heavily at night and make crank calls to other world leaders. Legend has it that he once drunk-dialed Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev, disguised his voice and asked “Do you have Prince Albert in a can and is your refrigerator running and is I.C. Butz there?” Brezhnev recognized Nixon’s voice and told him to cut it out or he’d send over some nuclear warheads. Nixon hung up laughing, then hid under his desk in the Oval Office.

8. President Theodore Roosevelt was known for his love of the great outdoors. During his term as president, he stocked the White House with bears, elks, foxes, mountain lions and poisonous snakes. He would hunt the animals for relaxation and quick and delicious dinner menu ideas. TR holds the record for was our least-visited president while occupying the White House.

9. President James Polk was a nudist. His handlers had to chase, wrestle and dress him before any public appearance. Polk was proud of his physique and believed he had nothing to hide from the world. It was a constant battle to save the president from embarrassment during his presidential term.

Adams: saved by a coin toss!

10. President James Madison was our shortest leader, standing a mere five and a half inches tall. He wore lifts in his shoes so that he appeared to be 5’4″ in public.

11. President John Quincy Adams was a brilliant scientific man. He built a time machine and traveled to Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C. on April 14, 1865. He was sitting in President Abraham Lincoln’s seat when Lincoln arrived. The two men flipped a coin to see who would get the seat. Lincoln won the coin toss, and Adams went back to 1828. Adams would never know how close he came to being assassinated, and Lincoln would never know he unlucky he was when the penny he flipped came up “heads” with his face (which was really weird because the penny must have been from the future). Cruel, cruel irony, how you do torture us!

Happy Presidents Day, and be sure to take advantage of all the incredible savings at Pier 1!