Head honcho gives the lowdown to appease worrywarts worldwide.

Recently, BP chief executive Tony Hayward put the size of the oil spill from the company’s Deepwater Horizon boo-boo in context. He said, “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.”

This statement was immediately met with a backlash of negative opinion as it was perceived as being insensitive and self-serving. In response, Mr. Hayward sent an e-main this morning with some new metaphors that more accurately frame the minimal nature of the company’s oil spill. The Lint Screen publishes Mr. Hayward’s comments below for your enlightenment and nerve calming.

“When one considers that our planet is two-thirds water, and the oil spilled thus far is only a couple million gallons, well, obviously it is hardly even a speck of sand on the beach, if I might mix my metaphors.”

“The number of people who will be affected by this spill is negligible compared to the over six billion people who call this planet home.”

“When one contemplates that it is estimated over 106 billion people have been born on Earth throughout its glorious history, well, frankly it seems rather silly and selfish to even be concerned over this trifling oil spill matter.”

“Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, the area affected by this unfortunate hiccup by Mother Nature is absolutely infinitesimal considering we live in an ever-expanding universe. I mean, really, are we that self-absorbed that we must make a brouhaha of every little thing? Chin up, people. Chin up!”

“In conclusion, the Deepwater Horizon mishap is no big deal and it will be resolved by and by. Nature has a way of sorting things out, you know. Get on with your lives, it will all be good by and by. Thank you.”