Entries tagged with “China”.


President Hu appears to have a case of heart burn and getting burned!

President Barack Obama is one smooth and shrewd operator.

There was much mystery shrouding the small private dinner Obama held with China’s President Hu Jintao on Tuesday evening. The beltway was abuzz with who was attending and what the purpose was of the dinner held the day before an official state dinner. Now it has been revealed: the private dinner was about relieving a whopping $850 billion debt the United States owes to China!

Anonymous sources report that Tuesday’s private dinner included Hu, Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, actor Sally Kellerman, magician Doug Henning and Canadian rocker Geddy Lee of Rush. “It was a dream team of celebs and interesting personalities.”

“The menu was fabulous. Tossed green salad with iceberg and romaine lettuces, cherry tomatoes, sliced cukes, walnuts and dried craisins with a thick coat of Kraft French dressing. There were Pepperidge Farm rolls, too! The main course was tender beef tenderloins, green bean casserole topped with fried onions and those small seasoned potatoes. For dessert, pound cake slices loaded with strawberries and Cool Whip! It was an incredible feed, but the best part is what happened after dinner as Geddy Lee started performing a killer acoustic version of Tom Sawyer.”

“Obama coyly turned to Hu and told him what a gas it was to have him over, then he slipped the Chinese leader a bill for $850,000,000,000.00! He told Hu that in America we have a saying– ‘there’s no such thing as a free lunch.’ The President tells Hu that saying holds doubly true for dinner, so Hu owes us $850 billion for his tasty meal. Bam! Hu looked like he was about to die. He was one livid dude. Obama got him but good!”

The Obama ploy will erase a large portion of the U.S. debt to China. Sources say the President next plans to invite Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama of Japan to dinner.

Someone vigorously denies always leaving the toilet seat up.

Discerning newshounds do not wish to wade through the morass of the 250,000 leaked diplomatic cables posted recently by WikiLeaks, so the staff of The Lint Screen have selected the following choice morsels for your enlightenment and amazement.

1. Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin is reported to frequently brush his teeth without first flossing. “It is an absolutely outrageous allegation,” says a source close to the Ruskie leader. “Mr. Putin always has minty-fresh breath and almost no tartar or plaque build-up. Obviously his dental hygiene is second to none!”
2. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki leaves the seat up.
3. Hillary Clinton thinks the best way to persuade Egyptian leaders is by using a stage whisper, winking and making occasional wild bird sounds.
4. The secret handshake of Hamas involves elbows, ear wriggling and yogurt.
5. Russia’s president, Dmitry Medvedev is allegedly afraid of moths and saber-toothed tigers.
6. China isn’t buying “the check’s in the mail” explanation for the payback of U.S. debt. Officials say the government will soon try a new tact: “We’re going to claim that we’ve run out of checks and are waiting for new ones to arrive.”
7. French president Nicolas Sarkozy reportedly is a bad french kisser. “He spits like a camel sucking on a lemon.”
8. The spat between Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Saudi’s King Abdullah began years ago when the Iranian leader lent the King his CD of Led Zeppelin’s Houses of The Holy and it came back “looking like a cat used it as a scratching post.”
9. Pakistan’s president Asif Ali Zardari rarely eats salads or collects Mardi Gras masks.
10. The Afghan Taliban’s hygiene is not as good as one might think.
11. The U.S. cables were downloaded when an security insider hacked into the top secret government security system by correctly guessing the password “1234.”
12. WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is a bedwetter, according to angry government security figures.

Uncle Sam wants financial reform for himself, but not his citizens. That's different!

The U.S. government is angry as hornets who’ve been pestered by telemarketers during their favorite TV show, thanks to China getting as greedy as a U.S. credit card company.

When U.S. bill payers opened their monthly credit statement from China, they discovered that the Chinese had moved up their payment date and substantially raised their interest rate, just like U.S. banks have been doing to credit card holders for a long time.

“I can’t believe China would do this,” said Jason Burbbinger, head checkbook handler of the United States government. “China loaned us a bunch of money and we thought we had a good rate locked-up with an easy, convenient payment schedule. But now they’re getting all credit card company on our butts– arbitrarily moving up payment dates, jacking-up interest rates to nose bleed heights and acting like a violent bookie on a meth bender beating the vig out of a deadbeat. On top of everything else, they’re raising our credit limit. How are we supposed to resist that kind of temptation? I’m not saying we need financial reform for Americans– bank lobbyists would never allow that– but we certainly need financial reform for how other countries treat America. It just ain’t right, I tells ya, just ain’t right at all!”

With that Mr. Bubbinger began sobbing uncontrollably into a handkerchief, a handkerchief made in China.

Time to grow up, kiddies!

Angels Must Earn Their Wings

     Recently I was asked to give the commencement address to “The Cherished Sweet Angels Pre-K” graduating class. Here’s my speech in its entirety with editorial comments:

    Good morning, Cherished Sweet Angels, and congratulations on receiving a sheepskin for doing little more than poking straws into juice boxes and for rarely mistaking glue sticks for ChapSticks. (TITTERS OF NERVOUS LAUGHTER FROM PARENTS AND CHILDREN.) For these incredible accomplishments we are gathered to honor and blow smoke up your graduation gowns. (ANGRY STARES FROM PARENTS. CHILDREN LOOK BORED.)

    Let me tell you about what awaits you so you’ll be prepared to face the challenges ahead. It will be an exciting time, one that will test you and make you graduate from Cherished Sweet Angels to legitimate saints, wings optional. (TEACHERS ARE ATTENTIVE. CHILDREN YAWN.)

    Your first challenge is paying down the debt all the grown-ups and the government have taken on. As of today, every man, woman and child owes $33,468 to help pay this debt. So, Angels, each of you owes $33,468. (CONFUSION ON CHILDREN’S FACES, ANGER ON PARENT AND TEACHER FACES.)

    A lot of this money we borrowed from China to pay for things we couldn’t afford, including a big financial mess caused by financial people who hired slick lobbyists to schmooze politicians and change the laws so that no one would watch them. Then these finance wizards gambled with our money and lost it. Silly Wall Street fat cats! Now they need more money so that they can have big bonuses. Hoo-ray! (PARENTS IN FINANCIAL SERVICES LOOK LIVID, CHILDREN ARE ANXIOUS.) 

    The $33,468 you owe means you might want to ask mommy and daddy for a raise in allowance, or, maybe open a lemonade stand where you can sell a glass for $1,000 or so. One way or another, you’re going to have to pay the piper! (SOME CHILDREN BEGIN CRYING, PARENTS MOVE TO COMFORT THE WEAK.)

    But debt is only part of the challenges ahead. You also have the threat of nuclear war! Yes, all sorts of kooky people want to make bombs that will kill tens of thousands of us and strip the flesh from our bones. Ouch! (MANY MORE CHILDREN BEGIN CRYING, SOME WAIL IN ANGUISH.)

    Who are these kooky people who want us dead? Oh, there’s all sorts of them. It’s like playing ‘Whack-A-Mole’ trying to keep all these nuts in check. Grab a mallet, kiddies, and let’s get to work!

    Then there’s food. Did you know just about everything you eat can kill you? Fast food, snacks, sweets, meats, sodas, bio-engineered fruits and vegetables dripping with evil pesticides… why just about anything you can think of is out to get you once it’s inside of you! Yow-wee ka-zowee! (MANY CHILDREN SCREAM AND RUN FOR THEIR PARENTS. THE TEACHERS TRY THEIR BEST TO COMFORT THE CHILDREN WHO REMAIN SEATED.)

    But we’re just getting started. The news tells us there are many, many things to fear on the horizon. Immigrants taking all our jobs, social security running dry, swine flu and all sorts of nasty germs that are sure to kill us, increasing violence, a war on terror and a war on drugs and flavors of nastiness you wouldn’t believe! (SOME CHILDREN DROP TO THE FLOOR, LIE ON THEIR BACKS AND WAIL AS STREAMS OF TEARS COLLECT IN PUDDLES.)

    Oh, I’ve just scratched the surface, my Cherished Sweet Angels. I haven’t even warned you about reality TV yet! (AN ANGRY MOB OF PARENTS RUSH THE PODIUM, THEY BEAT ME, SWEAR AT ME AND TRY TO RESTRAIN ME FROM GIVING MY LAST WORD OF ADVICE, BUT I SHOUT IT LOUDLY FOR ALL TO HEAR ABOVE THE DIN OF CRYING.)

    Never give up your right to vote for your “American Idol”, kiddies. It’s your right as an American to be involved with the political process!

    (EVERYTHING GOES BLACK.)

 

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

Now that we own it, let's milk the sucker!

Now that we own it, let's milk the sucker!

     Last week, we American taxpayers bought ourselves AIG. I’ve never owned an insurance company, but I do have a few proposals about running our new enterprise:

  1. Let’s outsource for cheap labor in China and India.
  2. Let’s not insure any high risk people.
  3. Let’s continually raise premiums.
  4. If there are claims, let’s dispute them.
  5. Let’s hire an army of lobbyists to get politicians passing laws that favor us.
  6. Let’s pay ourselves great big paychecks with huge stock options and bonuses.
  7. If we do happen to get into financial trouble, let’s have some government bail us out.