Entries tagged with “Donald J. Trump”.

Prez call TLS to discuss his big idea.

President Donald J. Trump recently declared the opioid epidemic a “health emergency.” While this move won’t earmark federal funds for opioid addiction treatments or negotiating lower prices for Naloxone, an opioid overdose drug, he proposed a bigger and bolder idea to nip the problem in the bud.

He called The Lint Screen to discuss his breakthrough, dramatic plan.
TLS: The Lint Screen, where fake news gets real.
DJT: This is the most powerful man in the world.
TLS: Jeff Bezos?
DJT: No, stupid–– President Trump.
TLS: Oh. Have you heard about any Amazon Cyber Monday specials? I was looking for a––
DJT: Shut up. I had a great idea. A big, bold, brilliant, tremendous idea for eliminating opioid addiction.
TLS: Uh huh. What is it?
DJT: Advertising.
TLS: Advertising?
DJT: Advertising. I’ll run an ad campaign telling people not to take opioids. Then, they’ll stop taking opioids and the crisis will be solved. Incredibly smart, right?
TLS: You mean an ad campaign like Nancy Reagan’s Just say no to drugs?
DJT: Just say no to drugs–– hey, that’s good!
TLS: It ran for many years.
DJT: Did it work?
TLS: Well, it ran in the eighties, and I think people are still using drugs, so–
DJT: It failed! Horrible failure. Sad. Awful. Just say no is too wishy-washy. My campaign will be: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! Incredible, right? Powerful.
TLS: I guess so.
DJT: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! will work because it tells you exactly what happens if you disobey my command. You die! That’s on you. Your death is your fault for not listening to your president, who had the largest inauguration crowd ever, and has done more for America in nine months than all other presidents combined. And, who has an amazingly smart brain that he keeps inside his skull because it’s made of bones. Very strong protection, bones.
TLS: Uh huh.
DJT: I did incredibly well in school. Ivy league education. Excellent grades. Wrote very good papers, excellent. Perfect papers. Lots of words, incredible punctuation. The best commas and periods. Got gold stars on my papers. Amazing stars. Shiny, pointy.
TLS: You actually think your Don’t do drugs or you’ll die ad campaign will work?
DJT: Absolutely. One hundred percent. Can’t-miss. It’s a slam dunk. The opioid crisis will be solved in no time. Then we can get on to bigger issues, like Hillary.
TLS: It might be tougher than you think getting people to quit opioids. Maybe it’d be a good idea to give some federal funds for addiction treatment.
DJT: No. You’re wrong. Addicts just need some tough love, some straight talk. They’ll listen and they’ll get off the goof. After they see my ads, they’ll straighten up and fly right.
TLS: Sounds like you’ve got the opioid epidemic all figured out.
DJT: Absolutely. That’s what leaders do–– lead. I’ll stop drugs for once and for all. See, I’m better than Reagan. Way better. Even better than Lincoln, he got shot, you know.
TLS: Was there anything else?
DJT: Yes, I wanted to talk about little rocket man and, hey, there’s a squirrel in that tree–– gotta run!


Here’s what may be on tap for the bigwig talks in Germany!

In an exclusive, The Lint Screen has acquired the list of possible conversation starters President Donald J. Trump will be using for his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit.

1. I won the election in a landslide. Huge victory. Incredible feat. No one expected it. I’m president, and they’re not!
2. Even with my enormous victory, crooked Hillary had over three million fake votes. Even cheating, I still beat her like a drum.
3. My inaugural crowd was massive. Biggest ever.
4. I like Russian dressing. So good for dipping.
5. You don’t get pestered by fake news, right? How do you shut it down?
6. My daughter’s name is Ivanka. That’s Russian, right? Beautiful name for a beautiful woman. It’s not weird to want to marry your own daughter, right?
7. Do you like my tie? The label has my name. Buildings all over the world have my name on them, too.
8. Are you excited about “Game of Thrones” coming back? I am. I have a big screen TV. Huge picture. Incredible picture. I like horses. You like riding horses, right?
9. Could I get your autograph? You give me yours, I’ll give you mine. We can be pen pals.

Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!

Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!

The Lint Screen has learned through an exhaustive journalistic deep dive that millions of Americans are conspiring against presidential candidate Donald J. Trump, just as he suspects.

“He’s on to us,” said a shadowy figure who wished to remain synonymous.

The conspiracy is widespread as a majority of American voters have been secretly meeting late at night and agreeing they would not vote for Trump.

“The joke’s on him,” said one unnamed source who wished to remain autonomous. “He thinks he’s going to win, but he’s not. I know it’s cruel to lead someone to believe something on purpose, and then kick him, but, what can you do–– it’s funny.”

Trump has said publicly he’s suspected the upcoming election is “rigged” and like most of what he says, he’s spot on. Indeed, the rigging is underway as voters begin casting early ballots and the big fix comes down on November 8.

“It’s too bad Trump’s such a smart guy and he knows the shenanigans we’re up to,” said one of the conspirators who asked to remain Anthonomus. “It’s going to break his heart, but it’s going to be a blast watching him pout and get angry.”

For the record, The Lint Screen has never been awarded a Pulitzer Prize and we know that the whole damn thing is rigged because everyone knows we deserve one!