Sesame Street's most notorious junkie finally gets help.

Sesame Street’s most notorious junkie finally gets help.

These Sesame Streets are a little less dangerous today as longtime resident Cookie Monster has placed himself into a Santa Monica rehab facility.

“He was an accident waiting to happen,” Elmo told The Lint Screen. “Dude finally hit rock bottom, yo. He was hassling some Girl Scouts for cookies and just went bonkers. Got all touchy-feely, jonsesing to score a Samoa or Thin Mint. It got real ugly, man. Grover and Ernie had to restrain him. Everyone on The Street knew Cookie Monster had some issues, and we’re glad he’s finally addressing them.”

Bird Bird, another resident, said Cookie Monster’s incident was not surprising. “He’s had a sugar problem for a long, long time. Always mooching cookies, hitting the Karo bottle, looking to score rock candy. It’s not right when you gotta have a sugar rush that bad. And recently, he got so crazed he started licking Kermit because he heard you can get high licking frogs. That’s just not right.”

Telly Monster has an interesting hypothesis about what he believes is driving Cookie Monster’s addiction. “He’s obviously masking some deep insecurity, fear or secret. I suspect the poor guy’s illiterate. I don’t think he can read or write a lick. How sad is that? You’re one of the longest residents on Sesame Street and it’s all just gibberish. None of the catchy songs or cute games took root. I think he feels shame and guilt over his failure. No wonder the poor schmuck crashed.”

The cute children who visit Sesame Street do not seem upset about Cookie Monster’s absence. “He was kind of an ass,” said a precocious four-year old girl.

Aw, isn’t she precious?