Earth's most magical, minimally invasion security check?

It seems my recent rave review of Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport (“America’s friendliest airport”) has caused a bit of competitive rivalry.

I recently flew to Orlando International Airport (MCO) for commercial production in town, and I’m here to tell you these folks got game.

Orlando is the home of Disney World, Universal Theme Park, Sea World and more casual dining chain restaurants than you can shake a stick at (although I seriously doubt an attacking casual restaurant would back down from a shaking stick). Orlando is all about having fun and magic, and the airport security TSA team does not disappoint.

Rather than employ traditional TSA uniforms, the security personnel wear soft character costumes of large bloodhound dogs with floppy ears and three-fingered paws, female muskrats adorned in yellow bonnets and large groundhogs with M-16 rifles. The lovable characters speak in comical, approachable and engaging tones. The fluffy, furry bloodhound says,“Hello, friend, my name is Snoopy Doodles and I want to make your security screening as fun, memorable and magical as possible. Now, I am going to run my paws all over your body, being extra careful not to touch your Satanic naughty parts…”

Snoopy Doodles proceeded to glide his soft paws all over my body as he hummed a happy tune. For added comfort, the paws are heated and vibrate softly. As he gave me the once over, Snoopy Doodles began to sing to me.
“Oh, you’re so special
and I deeply care
I need to know
what’s in your underwear

My paws on your body
are to be lightly kissed
for I must make sure
you’re not a terrorist!”

When the security check was finished, Snoopy Doddles and his cohorts Maggie Muskrat and Gary Groundhog began dancing and singing.
“He has no explosive residue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!

Next, a troop of mimes pretend to be in boxes, but suddenly become free and explore their spaces as clowns on unicycles ride in a large circle juggling metal detector wands. Everyone (save the mimes) begins to sing in unison:
“He’s an American, who’s true blue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!”

A flock of white doves were released, as a marching band escorted me to the train for the terminal. It was quite a production and I have to say a magical experience that I’ll never forget. I even purchased the souvenir security check photo for $21.95 as a keepsake.

Impressive, MCO, very impressive! If you had Carl from Phoenix, the friendliest TSA agent I’ve ever had the pleasure of being felt-up by, I think you’d have a true blockbuster.