Entries tagged with “Mitt Romney”.


Punctuation may hold the key for winning the 2012 campaign.

Last week, President Barack Obama’s campaign shifted into hyper-gear as it added an exclamation point to its longstanding slogan of “FORWARD!

An advisor for Mitt Romney says that his candidate will not take such aggression lysing down. “We’re officially going to counter by adding two exclamation points to our slogan “BELIEVE IN AMERICA!!” said the advisor. “Consider this checkmate, Mr. President. Pack the oval office and rent the U-Haul, you’re kaputski.”

The Obama campaign is rumored to be conducting focus group testing of what is described by one insider as “a nuclear response” to the crafty Romney response–– a slogan with three exclamation points. “No presidential campaign has ever been so bold, so declarative. We think we can put this race away once and for all if ‘FORWARD!!!‘ tests well.”

The Romney camp did not return phone calls, but anonymous sources within the campaign report that campaign leaders are seriously exploring a variety of punctuation options going forward!!!!!!!!!

A scrappy debate, but questions still remain.

In last night’s second Presidential Debate, a group of 80 undecided voters gathered in a town hall setting at Hofstra University. They came with questions for President Barack Obama and G.O.P. challenger Mitt Romney. Many questions were asked and answered– or used as tees for well-rehearsed talking points. But what of the questions left un-asked? The Lint Screen has unearthed some of those by using the time-honored investigative journalistic technique of rooting through the trash following the debate (and eating perfectly good food some idiot threw away). Here are some of the questions we found written on crumpled scraps of paper thrown in the trash.

“Have either of you seen any good movies lately, and if so, what would you recommend as a good date movie? I’m into action adventure but my girlfriend likes romantic comedies. I should mention that she doesn’t think Adam Sandler is funny. Have any picks for me?”

“Exactly how much do you guys hate each other?”

“Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night. Do you have any plans for how to keep the underside of my pillow cooler?”

“I like to laugh. Would each of you tell me a funny joke or anecdote?”

“Two trains leave Chicago for San Francisco. If train A is going 70 miles an hour and Train B is going 90 miles an hour, that’s pathetic. Why can’t America have a high speed rail system like so many other industrialized countries?”

“What is your all-time favorite sandwich? And please, no vegetarian answers.”

“My husband never shares his feelings. What is it with you men anyway?”

“Your first names, ‘Barack’ and ‘Mitt’ are awfully funny-sounding. If elected, would you change your first name to something more American like ‘Duke’ or ‘Butch’ or ‘Skeeter’ or something?

“Who was your favorite Beatle? And why?”

“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. What is it? Guess correctly, and you’ve won my vote. It’s that easy, fellas.”

“Do you love America? I mean really, really love America? And if so, why don’t you just marry it?”