Entries tagged with “Oil spill”.


Over $100 million spent on ads is improving BP's image.

Officials at BP today reported they are achieving excellent results from the over $100 million it has spent on advocacy ads to blunt its negative image following the Deepwater Horizon explosion and oil spill.

“We’re quite pleased with the results our corporate ads have had,” said Tim Jourdinky, Minister of Corporate Propaganda. “After our little mishap, people associated BP with Satan, which isn’t ideal from an image perspective. Today, we’re associated with lesser strains of evil, like Stalin or Hitler. The messages are working. People are buying them!”

Mr. Jourdinky declined to comment on the actual efforts BP is doing in cleaning up the environmental mess, compensating a variety of local businesses for income lost because of the spill and fixing lapses in safety standards to ensure another “mishap” like the Deepwater Horizon never happens again.

“Reality is reality and there’s not much we can do about it,” the spin guru said, “but crafting messages that give hope and change perceptions– that’s the goal here. And we’re moving strongly toward the goal line!”

Is this proof of clean waters in the Gulf of Mexico, or proof of a massive Presidential cover-up?!

BP has found a new scapegoat for the April 20 Deepwater Horizon catastrophic explosion and oil spill–– President Barack Obama.

Capitalizing on Obama’s slide in approval ratings, a BP company spokesperson said anonymously that the President’s recent swim in the Gulf with his daughter Sasha may have been a clever ploy to divert attention away from Obama’s culpability in being responsible for the oil spill.

“Look, I’m not saying President Obama did cause the oil spill,” said the spokesperson, “but I am saying that his swimming in the gulf to prove that it’s clean is exactly the sort of stunt someone who did mastermind the horrific oil spill would have done to cover-up his dirty tracks. I mean, come on, everyone knows how smart the President is–– isn’t this just the kind of brilliant ploy you’d expect from a diabolical genius? And to make your cute daughter an accomplice, well, that is just sheer Alex Trebeck-kind-of-smart. Let’s face it, we’re not even sure if Obama is even a citizen of the U.S.A. or if he’s an Islamic terrorist or an insurance salesman–– who knows what evilness he’s capable of!”

The spokesperson said BP would honor its commitment of $20 billion for cleaning up the oil spill. “We’re just good folks going a good job, and we’re more than happy to help people because we think people who need people are, well, the luckiest people in the world. And we’ll protect these people from the Obama monster.”

Sometimes finding the right words is, kind of, you know, uh, whatchacallit, ummm...

Recently, BP launched an extensive media blitz to reassure Americans that it is dedicated to cleaning up the mess it has made in the Gulf of Mexico. The spokesman for the TV campaign is the company’s chief executive officer, Tony Hayward. The Lint Screen has obtained some early drafts of scripts allegedly penned by the executive. They are reprinted here for your enlightenment.

TH: I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. Since this unfortunate oil spill, I have been getting terrible mild headaches. My appetite is lacking and my palate cannot confidently discern a ’98 Petrus Pomerol from a ’99 Chteau Le Pin Pomerol. Looking at my massive net worth does not bring me the intense pleasure it once did. While I can empathize with what many people and animals in the gulf coast are going through, I wish more people would empathize with what I am going through. Look, we’re all in this together. I feel your pain, so please, return the favor and feel a bit of mine. Have a little compassion, won’t you? Thank you.

TH: You know, it’s easy to play the ‘blame game’ for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Sure, BP had 760 safety violations in recent years, but let’s not assume that makes us guilty of negligence in this horrific accident. If you’re like me, you believe in God, and He ultimately is responsible for everything on earth. After all, He made it, populated it and allows both good things and bad things to happen. Why God wanted this awful oil spill, I don’t know. But my faith is strong enough that I am willing to accept His will. I hope that you will do the same. I’m Tony Hayward, asking you to pray for me and BP.

TH: At BP, we’re concerned for your health. While many support solar power, we know that the sun can also be very dangerous with its harmful UV rays. Especially to those of us with pasty white complexions. Well, one benefit of the recent oil spill is that the pristine beaches so inviting to so many sun worshippers will soon be closed for clean-up operations. This means that BP is helping save millions of Americans from the dangers of UV rays and the risks of sun cancer. Protecting people is just another reason BP should be your first choice in quality petroleum products. Thank you and please don’t forget the sunscreen. BP cares.

TH: Hello, I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. At BP, we’re concerned about our environment because Mother Nature is our mother, too. She is getting on in her years and we love her as much as ever. So, we’re working hard to clean-up the unfortunate mishap that occurred recently in the Gulf of Mexico. While no one can say what exactly caused the terrible oil spill, we’re going to spend our own money and make great efforts to clean it up. Yes, it’s costing us a bloody fortune, but we will spend whatever it takes to make it right. You see, at BP we believe that oil and water don’t mix, and we’re going to help our poor Mother clean herself up. Not because it’s our fault, but because it’s the right thing to do for the poor old girl.

There was one surprising silver lining on the black oil cloud of the recent failure of BP’s “Top Kill” effort– the live camera feed of the oil leak disaster drew millions of curious viewers from around the world.

The viewer response was so strong, BP has decided to launch the live camera feed as a new dedicated cable channel available this summer.

“We’ve been looking at viewership numbers and they are incredible,” said Rory Cappingstap, an independent producer hired by BP. “In overnights, we’ve been posting ‘American Idol’ kind of numbers, which is unheard of these days for a new show. We’re even thinking of getting Simon or Ellen as a guest commentator on our new channel.”

To offset the costs of fixing the spill, BP will sell advertising time on its network. “We’ve been talking with P&G about doing big tie-ins with Dawn, Tide and some of their other products that are smashing at dealing with oily stains and such,” said Mr. Cappingstap. “We’ll also have a heavy rotation of BP corporate spots letting people know how much we care about the environment and that sort of thing.”

If the oil leak is stopped in August, it would severely curtail viewership, but Mr. Cappingstap is optimistic. “We may not be able to cap this well, in which case we’ll be able to keep airing into the fall, and God willing, even get into the spring sweeps. With lots of hungry eyes and untold opportunities for advertising revenue, BPTV is the sort of diversification the company needs in troubled times likes these. This truly is Must-Sea TV! Rather clever, isn’t it?”

An anonymous spokesperson for BP has confessed that the gigantic oil company responsible for the catastrophic Gulf of Mexico oil spill, “was never very good at math.”

More arty than mathy.

“Originally we thought the oil spill was only 5,000 barrels of oil a day, which is only like, what, 210,000 gallons? No biggie. But we looked again recently and darn if that pesky leak isn’t closer to 70,000 to 100,000 barrels of oil a day gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Whoopsie daisy! Our bad.”

The anonymous source laughed nervously and ignited a Pall Mall cigarette with the tip of his finger.

“Frankly, math and science were always our weak suit. In school, BP people excelled in arts and language. We’ve been writing beautifully expressive poetry to frame the emotional impact of the spill– you know, pristine white doves being transformed to look like crows, that kind of thing– but to quantify it, or find scientific ways to stop the leak, well, we leave that to the eggheads and nerds. It’s not our bag, man.”

Although the company has been stumped for over a month in finding a solution to capping the leak, the shadowy source said that the BP Bohemian Arts Division has found the tragic oil spill to be a rich source for artistic expression. “It’s really charged our creative juices, and we’re thinking of doing an collector’s edition book of our artistic work to sell through BP retail channels. We’ll probably even offer a discount with fill-ups because we want our customers to know just how much we care.”

The quiet confidant laughed nervously lighting another cigarette.

Head honcho gives the lowdown to appease worrywarts worldwide.

Recently, BP chief executive Tony Hayward put the size of the oil spill from the company’s Deepwater Horizon boo-boo in context. He said, “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.”

This statement was immediately met with a backlash of negative opinion as it was perceived as being insensitive and self-serving. In response, Mr. Hayward sent an e-main this morning with some new metaphors that more accurately frame the minimal nature of the company’s oil spill. The Lint Screen publishes Mr. Hayward’s comments below for your enlightenment and nerve calming.

“When one considers that our planet is two-thirds water, and the oil spilled thus far is only a couple million gallons, well, obviously it is hardly even a speck of sand on the beach, if I might mix my metaphors.”

“The number of people who will be affected by this spill is negligible compared to the over six billion people who call this planet home.”

“When one contemplates that it is estimated over 106 billion people have been born on Earth throughout its glorious history, well, frankly it seems rather silly and selfish to even be concerned over this trifling oil spill matter.”

“Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, the area affected by this unfortunate hiccup by Mother Nature is absolutely infinitesimal considering we live in an ever-expanding universe. I mean, really, are we that self-absorbed that we must make a brouhaha of every little thing? Chin up, people. Chin up!”

“In conclusion, the Deepwater Horizon mishap is no big deal and it will be resolved by and by. Nature has a way of sorting things out, you know. Get on with your lives, it will all be good by and by. Thank you.”