Entries tagged with “Rapture”.

Hey, this hellhole ain't so bad after all!

It appears I am not one of the chosen ones selected for ascension into heaven during Rapturepalooza 2011.

I assume Harold Camping made the grade. Maybe some others. But I did not.

So, I’ve unpacked my bags with the DVDs, books, magazines, cameras, cinder block collection, slightly used lightbulbs, leftovers and other essentials for a long holiday.

I’m resigned to further life on this planet with you, my fellow passengers. Where as yesterday I considered you “evil sinners” and “suckers”, I realize today that I might have been hasty in passing judgment.

Today you look like my bestest friends and most cherished mates.

So let’s take up the yoke of humanity going forward, do our best, have some fun and let bygones be bygones.

Until the next Rapture (then, it’s every man, woman and child for him/herself).

Gone Rapturin'. Wish you were here!

At 6 P.M. Eastern Standard Time today, the Rapture will arrive. Those of us who have led a good life of righteousness and obedience to Harold Camping will be whisked up to Heaven for our eternal rewards, while the rest of you are left behind and subjected to five months of God’s pranks–– earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, aggressive life insurance salespeople, Donald Trump, poo-flinging monkeys and what have you.

Talk about your haves and have nots.

While I feel sorry for the rest of you suckers, I have to say I’ve enjoyed your company here on earth. It’s too bad you were evil sinners and didn’t make the upgrade list.

I’ll be getting out while the getting’s good, and I’m hoping there will be no TSA in the after-gig because I don’t relish the idea of my fake hips setting off the alarms and having some saint or angel give me a pat-down. Although an angel pat-down might be a ticklish and enjoyable experience.

In closing, I want to thank all the faithful Lint Screen readers for their literacy and patronage in making this blog one of the most popular on earth containing the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The.” If you make the list for eternal salvation during Rapture, I’ll buy you a drink. If you don’t, I’ll wish you the best in lawyering-up and getting good representation for Judgement Day.

Ciao, babe!