The Lint Screen

Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

“As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”

The people of New Hampshire are a stubborn lot, steeped in good old New England practicality and common sense. Staying true to their character, yesterday these hearty individuals refused to follow any parade but one led by a different drummer on a horse of a different color.

In a defiantly independent move demonstrating a people who proudly proclaim, Live free or die (you miserable bastard, you!), the residents of “the granite state” gave a landside victory to Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite for their pick in the nonhuman presidential primary.

It was stunning upset for the winner of the Iowa caucauses, bag of Fritos, and a bitter disappointment for IBM’s Watson, the super brainy computer box, huggable puppy, Santy Paws, and cute as anything monkey, Ms. Pickles. Political experts explained that the appeal of Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite was its “unyielding platform and projection of strength under fire.” They also said people thought it would wipe up easily and look attractive for years to come.

“It’s a strange political season,” said Barry Newdimber, a noted political expert at the University of Hokey Pokey. “Stranger than bat feces on melba toast and about as tasteful.”

In the nonhuman Iowa presidential caucuses held yesterday, pundits had it down to the wire with a three horse race, none of which were horses. IBM’s Watson computer, precious puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles were the contenders– but all were shocked in a huge upset of write-in candidate, Fritos.

“Today, Iowans sent a clear message to the nation,” said Eddie Frunkenbo, a caucus chairperson. “We want to be led by a bag of delicious Fritos. They’re made from corn, then fried and salted to heavenly deliciousness. They’re the perfect accompaniment to a sandwich, bowl of soup or chili, slab of liver pudding, lobster tails, dried cranberries, what have you. There’s nothing you can put in your mouth that Fritos won’t make taste better. It’s about time we had a leader who made things better for all Americans, and Fritos can do that job deliciously.”

Bag of Fritos issued a statement thanking Iowa for its support and continued patronage. Fritos wrote that it is still deciding whether or not to declare its candidacy. Rumors have it a bag of Cheetos may compete in the Wisconsin primaries.

Watson, Ms. Pickles and Santy Claus all tied in second place with 4% of the vote each. None of their campaign headquarters returned persistant prank phone calls from The Lint Screen.

With the Iowa caucuses only days away, the nonhuman candidates running for president are bowing and scraping for support across “The State Named ‘Iowa’ State.”

Super computer Watson has proclaimed “Iowans are the smartest people on Earth, so naturally they will vote for me because I am the only candidate who has a program to let each and every citizen get a turn running America!” Watson was referring to his innovative plan to allow every Iowan an opportunity to govern the land from the Oval Office for 32.376614 seconds.”Others talk about democracy, Watson will deliver it to you flesh puppets!”

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Lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, proclaimed through a spokesman, “Iowa is Nirvana. Iowans are better than the rest of the nation so I believe we should get all the tax money from the other 49 states and cut up the jackpot!”

And precious puppy, Santy Paws, said in a press release that he would institute “an optional tax plan. Pay whatever you think is fair, and if you don’t like the idea of the government spending your money, keep it. If you think the government should give you some entitlement money, write down the amount and send it my way. You’ll get it. Tax laws need to be chiller, man!”

The latest poll numbers make the race too close to call.

The juggernaut presidential campaign for lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, is Planet of The Apes-angry at opposing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws.

Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said today that Santy Paws was leading the “Satanic evil war on Christmas.”

“Frankly, we believe all Americans should be outraged by this brazen attack by an atheistic canine,” Mr. Gruthers told reporters. “Heck, we just reaffirmed ‘In God We Trust’ as our nation’s official slogan. If Santy Paws is elected, he may try to change that and we’d all need new folding money!”

Mr. Gruthers contends that Santy Paws is named after “an obese guy who hung around little kids, which is pretty darn creepy” and “he would break into their homes late at night.” Gruthers believes that “if the miserable mutt loved Christmas, it would have been named ‘Christmas Joy’ or something else to celebrate the birth of our Lord.”

The campaign manager was visibly distraught. “I don’t know how we can allow this ravenous, God-hating cur to rob of us our most treasured holiday. I hope the voters do the right thing and smack him on the nose come voting day!”

In a press conference today, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for adorable puppy presidential candidate, Santy Paws, said that rival candidate, a lovable monkey named Ms. Pickles, may be responsible for the recent Amish beard clipping incidents in Ohio.

“Lookit here, people, I ain’t she did do it or she didn’t do it,” said a visibly agitated Merchant, “all’s I’m saying is that the little monkey has yet to deny having done the heinous acts, while my candidate categorically denies any involvement whatsoever in any Amish beard shenanigans! Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey trial where those apes had minty breath and vicious scorn for all things decent! All’s I’m saying is that there’s a lot we don’t know about this Ms. Pickles character, and I don’t want the voting public to get hoodwinked into buying a pig in the poke.”

The Pickles campaign said that they were “too busy with barn raisings” to respond to the allegations at this time.