Entries tagged with “St. Patrick’s Day”.


Read and cry into your green beer. Cheers!

Read and cry into your green beer. Cheers!

The Lint Screen has spent years doing an exhaustive study into the phenomenon of green beer that magically appears every St. Patrick’s Day, and we’ve discovered that it’s a ruse–– a cruel hoax perpetrated on the drinking public by profit-thirsty brewers.

“Beer makers just add a bunch of algae to the beer,” reported our deep-throated insider informer whistle blower dude. “The color is natural, but it’s not like the magical transformation that people believe.”

Most green beer drinkers believe the attractive green color comes from God’s love of the Irish, that in their honor, He performs the miracle of changing yellow to green every St. Patrick’s Day. Not so!

“I only wish ’twas true,” said a distraught Sean Driscoll O’Toole before he was struck with a bolt of lightning on his barstool and his burnt remains were eaten by a pack of coyotes that were then run over by a semi truck filled with barbells.

Luck of the Irish, indeed.

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Brian Patrick Flannigan plans on being hungover March 18. “I’m getting totally wicked wasted on St. Paddy’s Day,” said the 21-year old Lawrence, Massachusetts native, “I think he would have expected me to get blotto in honor of his birthday.”

Flannigan says he plans to wear all green on St. Patrick’s Day and drink only green beer. “St. Patrick invented green beer so I’m going to hoist a couple dozen in his honor. Green beer tastes better because it’s fresher. It’s green!”

The young man says he’ll also be sporting a “Irish Me Kiss I’m” button. “It’s hilarious because the words are all scrambled like they’re drunk or something. It’s a real conversation starter, for sure, and I think the ladies will be all over me. Can’t fail.”

The ambitious man states he will be training tonight for his St. Patrick’s Day celebration. “Me and the boys are pub crawling tonight, priming the pump for tomorrow. We’re training like athletes getting the old liver in shape. I think St. Patrick would be proud. He was the patron saint of partying! Wooooo!”

Me Irish pride swelled last night to see a cheery green bow tie made in China promoting a Belgian-owned beer company celebrating the Irish holiday dedicated to Romano-Briton.

Yes, you can taste tears in Guinness.