The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: monkeys

Dispatches concerning these wondrous critters.

  • Let’s Stop Monkey Sin!

     

    Now let nature take its course...
    Now let nature take its course…

       I was ecstatic to see this picture from a zoo in Thailand, which is just  east of Delaware, west of Iceland, this side of paradise.

       It has bothered me for a long time that so many monkeys are living  together in sin. While zookeepers may look the other way and  ignore their morals with a blind eye, I have never been able to.

       Sin is sin is sin,  and monkey flesh is weak.  Maybe I’m a prude, but I  think if you’re  going to share a cage you should  have a legally binding  document that  says you’re a couple and entitled to engage in  shenanigans (if both parties agree).

        Marriage is an institution all creatures should abide by, cherish  and  engage in to enjoy gifts of small appliances for going through  the act.

        Bully to these monkeys for doing the right thing! We all salute ye of high moral fiber and primate formal wear.

  • 5 Great Reasons For Monkey Helmet Laws

      I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of politicians yammering endlessly about what they’re going to do about war, the economy, taxes, the environment, education, oil dependency, spending and so on–– when is someone going to come forward with the Monkey Helmet Laws this nation so desperately needs!"Please help save me from my natural enemy-- MYSELF!"

      Just look around and you see monkeys and chimps on unicycles, bicycles, trikes, Harleys, sidecars and other wheeled contraptions doing all sorts of dangerous stunts with nothing but a funny hat to protect their braincages. Sure, it’s fun to watch but it’s also criminal––someone’s bound to get hurt.

       If Bubbles takes a tumble, his gray matter gets a-jumble. Next thing you know, the poor fellow can’t tell a banana from a knitting needle and he knits a crappy sweater with two bananas. Is this what our forefathers wrote with quill pens on parchment paper for? I think not.

       Here’s my five on why we need to get some serious Monkey Helmet Laws on the books:    

    1.  Monkeys are not good drivers
    2.  Monkeys are their own worst enemy     
    3.  Monkeys are too proud to ask for our help    
    4.  Ever seen “The Wizard of Oz”? We don’t need flying monkey attacks!
    5.  Charles Darwin Fan Club membership will plummet
       Then again, there’s the “Planet of the Apes” defense for keeping things just the way they are. I think I know what Charlton Heston would want us to do.

  • Monkey Crisis, Monkey Love

    Curse you Darwin–– these monkeys have gone too far!
    Curse you Darwin–– these monkeys have gone too far!

    Recently I came across this alarming image and frankly life has not been the same since.

    It seems to me that monkeys need to get along and be more accepting and open to tender loving, compassionate relationships. If they continue with their drinking, debauchery, sword fighting and gambling on violent conflicts, well, I don’t see much hope for us capturing monkeys and displaying them in cages at zoos so we can observe them and oooh and aaah when they do humanlike things like throwing dung or eating their own sick. Anyway, that’s my two cents. How about it monkeys–– how about a little more love for one another, for cry eye?