Stumpf thinks he knows pain. He don't know nothing about pain!

Stumpf thinks he knows about pain. No, he don’t know nothing about pain!

Wells Fargo’s sleazy, scumbag, top dog bankster John Stumpf will forfeit $41 million in stock bonuses. The action is the result of the greedy bastard’s dictate to cheat customers by creating over two million bogus accounts in their names without their knowledge so Wells Fargo could fleece them with fees.

Aw, poor baby–– 41 million could buy a lot of ba-bas!

But gird your loins, mister big shot, because federal judge Judy Jay also sentenced the top turd to three days confinement in the vault of Wells Fargo’s downtown San Francisco branch, with Sen. Elizabeth Warren as his cellmate.

“I think Mr. Strumpf could use a good talking to,” Judge Judy told The Lint Screen, “and I think Elizabeth is just the person to make him her bitch.”

When he was told his harsh sentence, Strumpf screamed and pounded his bandaged hand against the desk. “No, no, please–– anything but that! That woman’s crazy! Can’t I just do life at Alcatraz? Send me to Gitmo, waterboard me with Drano, anything but Warren!”

Judge Judy smiled and nodded to the attending police officers. “Take him away, boys, I hate to see little babies cry.”

Psychiatrists wonder what will become of us all following their split.

What will become of us all following their split?

They say horrible news travels in threes.

1. Hiddleswift de-couple
2. Brangelina now kaputski
3. God only knows!

The entire planet mourns as it learns that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, Hollywood’s dream “it” couple, leaving the world’s population of 7.4 billion people in the lurch.

“I’m just heartbroken,” a weepy Clarice Winstonfork of Towson, Maryland, told The Lint Screen. “Waking up every day knowing that Brad loved Angie and she loved him gave my life purpose, a reason for being. Now? Who knows? I just feel empty. I may be in bed all day tomorrow.”

Teddy “The Stabber” Tummery, leader of the Chicago Hell’s Angel chapter was also shaken by the news. “I thought they were real good together. Like salt and pepper. Or, cotton candy and malt liquor. The news kind of makes me wonder if true love is just an illusion, some faint scent of hope given to us by poets and damn liars who ought to be strung up and dragged four miles behind a bike then used as a pin cushion.”

Brittany Jawson, an accountant in London, is also upset by the news. “I’m gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked to hear Brangelina is no more. I was terribly shaken by Hiddleswift, and now this? It has me searching the skies for four horsemen. This must be a sign of some kind and not a good one.”

Dr. Xun Mei Rou, a pediatrician in Guangzhou, China, is also rattled by the split. “I look into the innocent eyes of children and I have to fight the urge to shake them and tell them not to grow up because there is no such thing as true love. It didn’t happen for Brad and Jen, and now it won’t happen for Brad and Angelina. When I heard the news, I guess I overreacted a little. I had to be restrained while the jaws of life were used to remove a four-year-old girl from my hands. I apologized to the parents, but I’m not sure they understood what I’ve been going through.”

Meanwhile, some way, we will all somehow make it through our days. Our long, miserable, sad, pathetic tear-drenched days.

Snookie shows her keen interest in the U.S. presidential race.

Snookie shows her keen interest in the U.S. presidential race.

While the human race is in a lather over the United States presidential race, a recent survey conducted by The Lint Screen shows the pet population is sick and tired of it.

“It’s stupid,” said Bowser, a four-year-old boxer in Boston. “I swear, it’s all the news has been about for like three years now. When in the hell is this big deal election anyway? Could we just stop this madness already?”

Cotton, a sixteen-year-old tabby cat in Los Angeles, agreed the election is horrible. “It’ll just be another two-legged sweet talker spouting lies and wearing clothes, clothes that would look better with some cat fur on them.”

Even Ms. Pickles, an eight-year-old parrot in Carbondale, Illinois, thinks this election is boring. “It’s just a meat puppet popularity contest. This Polly don’t want a cracker–– this Polly wants the TV remote! Let’s see what’s on TLC–– enough already!”

Perhaps Honeypot, a two-year-old cat in Canton, Ohio said it best. “I could care less who wins. Who’s going to feed me? That’s all I want to know, I’m hungry over here. Meow, already!”

Be advised: please refrain from showing your pets any election news.

The TSA promises to get "more intimate" with screenings.

The TSA promises to get “more intimate” with screenings.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) wants to curry favor with the American public, and is taking drastic measures to gain popularity.

Wayne K. Lundersom, the Sec. of the TSA told The Lint Screen the exciting new services the security organization will be offering the air traveling public effective October 1.

“We’re sick and tired of hearing people complain about our pat-downs,” Lundersom said. “So now, we’re going to offer premium services that will provide something the average traveler may have never experienced before–– a truly intimate connection with our agents.”

Lundersom explained that all major airports would have security stations offering the “Personal Pat-Pat,” a 15-minute premium inspection with a $46 price tag that includes a warm massage table, hot oil, incense, mood lighting and smooth Kenny G. or Yanni music.

“It will be the most relaxing, enthralling, stimulating experience that the TSA has ever offered, and we’re sure it’s going to be very popular with Joe and Jane public,” the portly security officer said with a wide grin. “We’re doing away with the latex gloves on our Personal Pat-Pats so we can go skin-on-skin and make a deeper connection with passengers.”

But the TSA isn’t stopping there! “We’ll also have the option for folks to enjoy a special Psychic Screening for just $18,” Lundersom said. “Rather than go through an X-ray machine, the traveler will be submitted to an inspection performed by a psychic who can instantly determine if the flier is a terrorist or a psychotic who will pose a threat to the flight. This Psychic Screening is much less evasive than our traditional screening methods, and won’t destroy an inspectee’s brain, internal organs or reproductive capabilities. That’s worth at least $18!”

Another new premium service is the optional “Future Forecasting” that utilizes trained palm readers. “Our research shows people have a high level of anxiety when traveling,” Lundersom said. “For only $12, we’ll have a trained professional who’ll examine a passenger’s hand and tell them whether or not they’re about to board a plane destined to crash. I know I’d want to know! For us, it’s all about providing the flying public enhanced peace of mind and security.”

Lundersom also said that the TSA will have machines selling flight insurance to passengers. “We want to cover all the bases,” he said with a wink. “And insurance lets you relax and calm down knowing you’ll be leaving behind a pile of money for loved ones. We are keen on all these innovative services we’ll soon be offering!”

Up, up, and away!

Weiner is put on ice.

Weiner is put on ice.

Anthony Weiner’s in the doghouse. Again.

He’s in Dutch with the ol’ ball and chain for sexting. The 147th time he’s been caught. Wha-wha-wha!!!

His wife, Huma Abedin, an aide to Hillary Clinton, has snatched his iPhone from his horny little hands after Weiner was caught sexting another woman.

“I’ve about had it with him,” Abedin told The Lint Screen. “In fact, today I called Tim Cook at Apple and told him to begin development on an anti-Weiner software update for all iPhones. My husband must be stopped. Now! Anthony seems to have a bit of a problem, and if technology can’t solve it, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I tried getting him to play Candy Crush, and all he did was take crotch shots and send them to I-don’t-know-where!”

“I guess I’m a rascal,” Weiner confessed. He smiled and looked down at his feet, at least that’s where this reporter thought he was looking.

Lochte will lend his authenticity and good name to VW.

Lochte will lend his authenticity and good name to VW.

Following its fiasco of falsifying diesel emissions tests in America and Europe, Volkswagen has found a juicy beefsteak to place on its black eye–– enlisting Ryan Lochte, Olympic medal-winning swimmer as its spokesperson.

“Ryan will bring gold back to our tarnished reputation,” Sandy Berstendt, Sr. Director of Public Relations for Volkswagen told The Lint Screen. “When you have a bit of a goof up, it can cost you. In our case, over $87 billion. But more costly than the money is the potential damage it could do to our good name. Ryan Lochte will help us get that back!”

Lochte, a physically fit athlete known for getting wet, will be featured in a new advertising campaign for Volkswagen depicting the gentleness of the cars are at the pump.

“Ryan has integrity and character,” Berstendt said, “and his likability is just infectious. Like a parasite or something burrowing into your marrow. He has a genuine authenticity. When Ryan Lochte speaks, it’s gospel, and we think when he speaks on behalf of our brand, one plus one will equal six! And we believe that’s a winning formula.”

There is no word on when the new campaign will break, or if the VW products will feature their mileage claims.

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