Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!

Mass conspiracy uncovered by great journalism, Pulitzer Committee should take notice!

The Lint Screen has learned through an exhaustive journalistic deep dive that millions of Americans are conspiring against presidential candidate Donald J. Trump, just as he suspects.

“He’s on to us,” said a shadowy figure who wished to remain synonymous.

The conspiracy is widespread as a majority of American voters have been secretly meeting late at night and agreeing they would not vote for Trump.

“The joke’s on him,” said one unnamed source who wished to remain autonomous. “He thinks he’s going to win, but he’s not. I know it’s cruel to lead someone to believe something on purpose, and then kick him, but, what can you do–– it’s funny.”

Trump has said publicly he’s suspected the upcoming election is “rigged” and like most of what he says, he’s spot on. Indeed, the rigging is underway as voters begin casting early ballots and the big fix comes down on November 8.

“It’s too bad Trump’s such a smart guy and he knows the shenanigans we’re up to,” said one of the conspirators who asked to remain Anthonomus. “It’s going to break his heart, but it’s going to be a blast watching him pout and get angry.”

For the record, The Lint Screen has never been awarded a Pulitzer Prize and we know that the whole damn thing is rigged because everyone knows we deserve one!

The smiling host of BB's Locker Room

The smiling host of ‘BB’s Locker Room Talk Show’

Following his suspension from NBC’s Today Show, Billy Bush, the disgraced celebrity suck-up, has announced he will be hosting a new show called BB’s Locker Room Talk.

“It’s going to be huge,” Bobby Lewiscrafton, the show’s producer told The Lint Screen. He lit a fourteen-cent cigar and waxed poetic.

“Billy knows how to get the best out of people. His natural curiosity and deep, probing intellect will make for a compelling hour of weekday television. And I’m happy to say this will be the first mobile talk show in history. The concept is a bus designed with locker room decor. Billy and his guests will roll across the America wearing nothing but towels as they chew the fat and talk game plans for making moves and love strategies and what-have-yous. It going to be a blast. This show will have something for everyone! Our first guests are Gloria Steinem and Bill Cosby.”

Billy Bush’s Locker Room Talk is sponsored by Tic Tac candies. Check local listings for showtimes.

Set design for Bill Bush's bus chat show.

Set design for Billy Bush’s bus chat show.

Civility will be assured with new candidate electric shock collar.

Civility will be assured with electric shock collars.

After numerous complaints of poor behavior during this campaign season, the League of Women Voters has decided that presidential candidates must wear electric shock collars in future debates.

“We’ve seen Hillary and Donald square off, and it was ugly,” said Emily Tortsover, the head of the debate organizing committee told The Lint Screen. “And last night, we witnessed the Tim and Mike show. It was an awful affair and their behavior was completely unacceptable. We’ve tried rewarding candidates with treats for good behavior, but that doesn’t seem to work. Something had to be done, and electric collars are the natural solution.”

For Sunday’s presidential debate, Ms. Clinton and Mr. Trump will be outfitted with heavy duty electric neck collars. “We can issue up to 50,000 watts if anyone gets too out of hand,” said Ms. Tortsover. “We hope we won’t have to go to that extreme, but we have a bank of generators just in case. We really don’t want to tax the power grid if things get ugly again.”

Stumpf thinks he knows pain. He don't know nothing about pain!

Stumpf thinks he knows about pain. No, he don’t know nothing about pain!

Wells Fargo’s sleazy, scumbag, top dog bankster John Stumpf will forfeit $41 million in stock bonuses. The action is the result of the greedy bastard’s dictate to cheat customers by creating over two million bogus accounts in their names without their knowledge so Wells Fargo could fleece them with fees.

Aw, poor baby–– 41 million could buy a lot of ba-bas!

But gird your loins, mister big shot, because federal judge Judy Jay also sentenced the top turd to three days confinement in the vault of Wells Fargo’s downtown San Francisco branch, with Sen. Elizabeth Warren as his cellmate.

“I think Mr. Strumpf could use a good talking to,” Judge Judy told The Lint Screen, “and I think Elizabeth is just the person to make him her bitch.”

When he was told his harsh sentence, Strumpf screamed and pounded his bandaged hand against the desk. “No, no, please–– anything but that! That woman’s crazy! Can’t I just do life at Alcatraz? Send me to Gitmo, waterboard me with Drano, anything but Warren!”

Judge Judy smiled and nodded to the attending police officers. “Take him away, boys, I hate to see little babies cry.”

Psychiatrists wonder what will become of us all following their split.

What will become of us all following their split?

They say horrible news travels in threes.

1. Hiddleswift de-couple
2. Brangelina now kaputski
3. God only knows!

The entire planet mourns as it learns that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, Hollywood’s dream “it” couple, leaving the world’s population of 7.4 billion people in the lurch.

“I’m just heartbroken,” a weepy Clarice Winstonfork of Towson, Maryland, told The Lint Screen. “Waking up every day knowing that Brad loved Angie and she loved him gave my life purpose, a reason for being. Now? Who knows? I just feel empty. I may be in bed all day tomorrow.”

Teddy “The Stabber” Tummery, leader of the Chicago Hell’s Angel chapter was also shaken by the news. “I thought they were real good together. Like salt and pepper. Or, cotton candy and malt liquor. The news kind of makes me wonder if true love is just an illusion, some faint scent of hope given to us by poets and damn liars who ought to be strung up and dragged four miles behind a bike then used as a pin cushion.”

Brittany Jawson, an accountant in London, is also upset by the news. “I’m gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked to hear Brangelina is no more. I was terribly shaken by Hiddleswift, and now this? It has me searching the skies for four horsemen. This must be a sign of some kind and not a good one.”

Dr. Xun Mei Rou, a pediatrician in Guangzhou, China, is also rattled by the split. “I look into the innocent eyes of children and I have to fight the urge to shake them and tell them not to grow up because there is no such thing as true love. It didn’t happen for Brad and Jen, and now it won’t happen for Brad and Angelina. When I heard the news, I guess I overreacted a little. I had to be restrained while the jaws of life were used to remove a four-year-old girl from my hands. I apologized to the parents, but I’m not sure they understood what I’ve been going through.”

Meanwhile, some way, we will all somehow make it through our days. Our long, miserable, sad, pathetic tear-drenched days.

Snookie shows her keen interest in the U.S. presidential race.

Snookie shows her keen interest in the U.S. presidential race.

While the human race is in a lather over the United States presidential race, a recent survey conducted by The Lint Screen shows the pet population is sick and tired of it.

“It’s stupid,” said Bowser, a four-year-old boxer in Boston. “I swear, it’s all the news has been about for like three years now. When in the hell is this big deal election anyway? Could we just stop this madness already?”

Cotton, a sixteen-year-old tabby cat in Los Angeles, agreed the election is horrible. “It’ll just be another two-legged sweet talker spouting lies and wearing clothes, clothes that would look better with some cat fur on them.”

Even Ms. Pickles, an eight-year-old parrot in Carbondale, Illinois, thinks this election is boring. “It’s just a meat puppet popularity contest. This Polly don’t want a cracker–– this Polly wants the TV remote! Let’s see what’s on TLC–– enough already!”

Perhaps Honeypot, a two-year-old cat in Canton, Ohio said it best. “I could care less who wins. Who’s going to feed me? That’s all I want to know, I’m hungry over here. Meow, already!”

Be advised: please refrain from showing your pets any election news.

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