Last week, President Obama admitted that he had learned on TV news about the scandal involving the Internal Revenue Service’s systemic targeting of conservative groups. He said he had no prior knowledge, only what was said on the news. When reporters expressed disbelief, White House sources report that Obama vowed to become even more aware of what was going on in the nation. To that end, the President has been consuming a steady diet of nothing but news feeds from FOX, CNN and MSNBC.
Obama has been alarmed to learn the following from these distinguished news sources:
— Barack Obama is not the legitimate President since he was born in Kenya and educated by Al-Qaeda in a Pakistan cave and at any moment a computer chip implanted in his skull may be activated and he will become radicalized and demand all citizens to turn their weapons over to the government and lie on their backs while they are literally taxed to death
— Obama is the greatest president ever and all Republicans are slime-sucking hypocritical racist idiots filling their heads with the insipid drivel of Rush, Hannity and Beck
— The Twitterverse is rockin’ the news and that’s totally awesome!
— Ronald Reagan was the greatest President ever because he cut taxes for the wealthy and the riches have been trickling down ever since and the only thing that ruined Reagan’s economic boom was Bill Clinton’s Satanic immorality and Barack Obama’s determined systematic undermining of the American economy ensuring that future generations will be indentured servants to their Chinese overlords
— Gun background checks are the worst breach of freedom ever enacted on any people anywhere
— Michelle Obama wants to control the diets of our children and turn them all gay so that we will never procreate and humanity will whither away
— A hologram of a seated Obama with his head in his hands is a great way to depict what the President might be going through during the numerous scandals rocking his administration
— The I.R.S. is a Russian spy organization that funds background checks on firearms
— obamasgottago983 thinks that Obama has destroyed the American economy by giving poor people free cars, steak and lobster dinners and free healthcare
— Plans are underway to include Obama’s face on Mt. Rushmore, but Republicans will most likely filibuster its funding
— Our forefathers had it right: every American should be armed to the teeth and missionary is the only position for a God-fearing people
Sources say Obama may try binge watching episodes of “Petticoat Junction” to clear his head.