Fletcher says the country was given as tip for feeding the natives.

Fletcher says the country was given as tip for feeding the natives Thanksgiving dinner.

Into the hub-bub surrounding the immigration brouhaha enters Edward Fletcher, a 67-year-old Boston native and direct descendant of Moses Fletcher, a passenger on the Mayflower bringing pilgrims to America in 1620. Mr. Fletcher has “had his fill of the silly jabberwocky” about immigration reform.

“As far as I’m concerned,” the tall Yankee told The Lint Screen, “damn near all you people here today are illegals. If you can’t trace your people to the Mayflower, then get out of our country!”

Fletcher believes lax laws and “stupid liberal symbols like the Statue of Liberty” have ruined America by stocking these shore with “Germans, Irish, Poles, Jews, Arabs, Italians, Catholics Africans, French, Russians, Far Easterners, Scots and a whole gang of foreign na-er-do-wells who have no business or right being here.”

Fletcher believes all foreigners “need to be rounded up and shipped back from whence they came! The gravy train is over, you freeloaders,” the irate Pilgrim said. “This country is ours, those of us descended from the brave souls who landed here and earned our citizenship fair and square by feeding the Indians Thanksgiving dinner, and getting their country in return as a gift. I say that if your people weren’t on the Mayflower, then get on out of here!”

The irate man paused. “But before you go, build a tall wall around our borders. It’s the least you could do!”

A sampling of arms for smart shoppers.

A sampling of arms for smart shoppers.

Best Buy just announced its big Black Friday Savingspalooza will begin at 5:00 pm on Thanksgiving Day, and to make the event more festive, the retailer will be selling guns and knives in store parking lots.

“We are going to have some incredible deals,” said Justin Sindycox, Director of Pleasant Customer Experiences told The Lint Screen. “We believe the best buys at Best Buys should go to the best shoppers, and that means those with their eyes on the prize. So, we’ll give aggressive shoppers an edge with some quality weaponry. We invite shoppers to get armed, and get ready to save like never before! And may the best shoppers survive.”

Many have criticized the encroachment of retailer sales messages on a cherished family holiday. “Look, it’s not like families need a full turkey dinner,” said Sindycox. “They can grab a turkey sandwich and some Lay’s at 7-Eleven, get in line and gobble up incredible savings at Best Buy. This event will be the start of a new American tradition. And now that people can arm themselves, the free market can truly rule!”

Hawking is thrilled with his LinkedIn endorsement

Hawking is thrilled with his LinkedIn endorsement

Theoretical Physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking has received his first LinkedIn endorsement, a spokesman announced today.

“Dr. Hawking is thrilled beyond belief,” Matthew Hunspurden told The Lint Screen. “He feels this kind of public endorsement on an esteemed social media site like LinkedIn will catapult his career into the stratosphere.”

Hawking, who is known to be pretty intelligent, was endorsed by Harry Tadpole from Toledo, Ohio, a self-described “retail clerk/science enthusiast.” Tadpole endorsed Hawking for the skill of “knowing smartypants stuff.”

“LinkedIn is an invaluable business networking tool,” said Hunspurden, “and although Dr. Hawking does not personally know Mr. Tadpole, he is forever in his debt for the ringing endorsement. This really could be a game changer for Dr. Hawking’s entire career.”

CNBC's dumpster is where good investigative journalism begins

CNBC’s dumpster is where good investigative journalism and sweet eating begins

The Lint Screen used dumpster diving journalism to unearth a crumpled sheet of paper with questions that were not asked in the Republican Presidential Debate on Wednesday. (TLS also found a delicious jelly donut with only one bite taken! Strawberry!!!)

Here are the questions that were not posed:
1. Where do each of you see you see yourself in two years?
2. Mr. Trump, I’m thinking of a number between one and twenty. What is it, and are you crazy?
3. Governor Bush, are you running to get the approval of your parents? Do you think they love your brother more than you because he won the oval office?
4. Senator Paul, who do you like better–– Peter, Paul or Mary?
5. Dr. Carson, everyone has heard about your ability to separate the heads of conjoined infants, but which medical drama do you think is better–– “E.R.” or “Gray’s Anatomy”? Why?
6. Governor Huckabee, your name is fun to say. What nationality are you, anyway?
7. Senator Cruz, you’re Cuban. Can you explain why Desi Arnaz cheated on Lucille Ball?
8. Governor Christie, do you want to eat the rest of my sandwich and chips I have under my desk? There’s a dill pickle spear, too!
9. Ms. Fiorina, I have an HP Officejet Pro 8100 that keeps jamming. What do you think’s wrong with the darn thing?
10. Senator Rubio, why is Florida so popular with serial killers?
11. Governor Kasich, what four-letter state containing three vowels is the best, and why haven’t you used a Nazi comparison yet in your campaign?
12. Could I get all of you to hold hands, turn to one another and say, “I love you”? It’ll make for great television!

Rep Gowdy vows to find the elusive figure "for once and for all."

Rep. Gowdy vows to find Waldo “for once and for all.

Hot off the success of grilling Hillary Clinton about her involvement in the Benghazi brouhaha, The Lint Screen has learned Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) will be heading a special Congressional committee to investigate the whereabouts of Waldo.

“I am sick and tired of people asking, ‘Where’s Waldo?'” Gowdy told a packed press conference. “It’s high time we found this sneaky guy. The longer this Waldo’s whereabouts are unknown, the more danger we all face!”

Gowdy said he will select a bipartisan committee to look into the “Waldo affair” since he does not want there “to be any stink of political hijinks.” Many felt the eighth investigation into Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi attack was politically motivated.

“We have no idea what this Waldo character is capable of,” said a somber Gowdy. “But we do know he goes out of his way to blend in and not to be found. That tells us he must be an imminent threat to America’s security. I plan to find this sneaky no goodnik, for once and for all. I want to be like Sheriff Andy Taylor and bring this outlaw to justice and keep our country safe!” Gowdy said with tears in his eyes. He then saluted his American flag lapel pin.

Waldo could not be found for a comment.

Hef is an old dog learning new tricks

Hef is an old dog learning new tricks

The world took notice last week when it was announced that Playboy magazine would no longer publish totally nude girlie pictures in 2016, but the world had no idea how dramatic the changes would be at the new Playboy.

Today, Hugh Hefner, the brainiac behind Playboy, held a press conference where he announced his vision for the new magazine.

“Porn is everywhere,” the silk bathrobe-wearing wonder said. “We can’t win that game, so, we’ll be giving guys what they really want–– pictures of hydraulic pumps, rotary actuators and other hydraulic componentry. Macho machinery. What red blooded American guy doesn’t like some grease on his hands? And, to show our sweeter side, pictorials of hard candies. I know the kids love their hard candies,” the 89-year-old swinger said. “Hell’s bells, who doesn’t like a good sweet? Oh, and another thing–– recipes, lots of delicious crock pot recipes because men like easy meals with minimal clean up.”

The old man looked down and realized his bathrobe had become untied and his privates were showing. Two sexy women in bunny ears and bunny tails quickly escorted him off the stage. “Young men are going to love my new Playboy,” he was heard saying to no one in particular. “Why in my day…”

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