World's most popular excellent incredible amazing leader returns to adoring masses

World’s most popular excellent incredible amazing leader returns to adoring and loving masses

Ebola, ISIL, Ukraine, immigrants, midterm elections–– just when you thought the news couldn’t get any worse, comes amazing revelations from North Korea as its beloved leader Kim Jong Un returns to the public eye after disappearing since September 3.

“I was on a a bit of a walkabout,” said the charismatic god-like head of state. “All the reports of my cheese addiction and gout bouts are wrong and those who spread such lies will be caught, tortured and slaughtered like the pigs they are. I will stretch their skins over furniture and sell it at Ikea!”

The incredible man began eating the large wheel of cheddar cheese that he sat upon and continued speaking through orange chews. “I have been doing important things, like curing cancer, ebola and becoming the first man to run a two-minute mile and shoot a record sixteen for an 18-hole round of golf. It was on Augusta National. I have the scorecard to prove it. I also bowled a 480 game, my beer frame was remarkable, and I hit a baseball so hard that it landed on the moon. Anyone who doubts these amazing feats will have his throat sliced. The population of the world can now once again sleep at night–– its greatest leader and human speciman is back!”

Hoo-ray!!!

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Lawyers march on The Lint Screen offices.

Lawyers march on The Lint Screen offices.

Give people an inch, and they’ll sue you.

The Lint Screen recently made the generous offer to provide free urine testing over the internet, and rather than be heaped with praise, our offices have been heaped with lawsuits from shills in shiny suits representing pissed people claiming that they have urine-stained and broken computer keyboards.

Boo hoo, wah wah!

But this morning was the straw that made the camel smoke Camel cigarettes because he hurt his back, and our dander is up in its hackles. We’ve just received a lawsuit claiming that some idiot thought we were also testing stool samples over the internet, and, well, you can imagine what the doofus did.

We give up! Effective IMMEDIATELY, The Lint Screen is stopping all its advanced medical testing. This includes our internet blood testing, ebola screening, dialysis, Lance Armstrong blood doping, Keith Richards blood immortality transfusions and our sperm bank.

We’re sorry, but it’s obvious no one can do anything nice these days–– not with lawyers running around suing anything that moves.

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Lady Justice seeks justice against ne'er-do-wells

Lady Justice seeks justice against ne’er-do-wells

Since making the generous FREE offer of urine tests for readers of The Lint Screen, our offices have been deluged by legal parasites looking to suck at the teat of Lady Justice–– but her scales show that you litigious deadbeats are way out of line.

Allegedly many of the people who urinated on their computer keyboards report that the device is permanently damaged and are seeking retribution from this noble and trusted news source. While we regret if any readers had technical difficulties, we can report that our urinalysis hypothesis is that their diets are insufficient in potassium, niacin and Vitamins A and E. Their irrational anger is a direct result of this deficiency. As promised, we give this expert medical opinion FREE of charge.

Now, please cease and desist and call off your rabid legal beagles.

You’re welcome.

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At last, a quick and convenient was to collect urine samples.

At last, a quick and convenient way to collect your urine samples.

As a public service, The Lint Screen is proud to offer a revolutionary advance in medicine–– urine tests collected over the internet!

YES, just in time for flu and cold season, we will scientifically analyze your urine and identify the vitamins, minerals and supplements you need to battle the nasty germs and bacteria waiting to attack you in the dangerous cold season ahead.

The cost? FREE.
How can we do this? Volume. We said, “VOLUME!!!”

Act now and take advantage of this incredible offer. Just follow these simple steps:

1. Collect urine sample (urinate directly on to your keyboard)
2. Use a pen or pencil and hit the SEND button
3. We’ll analyze your sample and RUSH your results!

FYI, this also works on mobile devices and tablets. HURRY!!!

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A male mannequin bares all and it's smooth

A male mannequin bares all and it’s smooth

In part four of The Lint Screen’s exclusive mannequin series, we hear from a male model who works at Nordstrom’s and is comfortable in his hard plastic skin. Meet Phillipe, in menswear.

“I am who I am, and who I am is someone who knows who he is.

I’m not like those female mannequins with their hysterics and serial dramas. I don’t let my emotions show. Dig? They call it cool, ladies. C-O-OOL!

How do I stay so chill? What’s to worry about–– I’m handsome, I dress well, my crotch is smooth as a naked baby’s butt.

I’m a catch. The total package, sans a package. And I’m a laff ri-OTT.

I am who I am, and I see a shoplifter in the tie department. Someone call security. Seriously, that dude in the tacky green shirt just stuck a $140 tie into his pocket.”

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Lenore speaks out on the harsh realities of a model's life

Lenore speaks out on harsh realities of a model’s life

In this third installment of The Lint Screen’s exclusive exposé on the mannequin community, a previously silent voice comes forward to tell the unvarnished truth of a life spent still.

“I see them across the way–– the young ones dressed in their Haute couture. They are so pretty, so sullen, beguiling and provocative.

Their skin is hard, not a wrinkle. Their eyes prisms to a bright future, one not clouded by the ravages of the years or concerns of what this cursed profession does.

But here I stand, hunched as a testament to the truth. I am a cold slap of reality across their pretty, firm faces.

Time has taken its toll on me, my better days behind, my future mired in doubt and the constant pall of depression and worry.

I am a sentry at attention as humanity passes by barely casting a glance, immune to my once irresistible beauty and charm.

Here stand I, alone. A remnant of what once was. The faded tail of a comet seeping into inky darkness. I sport fashions for the vericose vein set. I do not delude myself; I am a sad shadow of my former self.

Do not look away, my pretties across the way–– cast your stares into your inevitable futures! Look into my face and be absorbed by the tragedy that is time. Come and bear witness to its cruel effects. Your days will come, they shall.

For now, I work, until the maker comes for me to place me in the basement or attic with the others who have served their duties on this mortal coil, only to become discarded, poor souls in a perpetual state of anguish and despair.

Where, I wonder, where is my Obamacare?”

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