Thu 9 Jul 2009

Falling In Love (Again)

Posted by admin under Humor
[2] Comments

 

Sometimes a guy has to leave his lover for his wife and kids

Sometimes a guy has to leave his lover for his wife and kids.

    Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina recently admitted to engaging in extramarital hanky-panky with an Argentinian woman. The following is a conversation Mr. Sanford had with his wife after his press conference confession.

MARK:   Hello, Jenny.

JENNY:  Mark, honey, you’re home! How was your hike on the Appalachian Trail?

MARK:   It was good, but geez, that thing’s longer than I thought… I ended up in Argentina.

JENNY:   Oh, you poor dear. Are you all right?

MARK:    I’m fine. Funny story, though– at the end of my hike, I met this woman and she cared for me.

JENNY:   That’s nice.

MARK:   And, well, I felt this connection with this woman. 

JENNY:   Connection?

MARK:   She’s my soulmate, Jenny. My true love. My destiny. My heart’s desire and my soul’s purpose. She’s my everything and I have never felt such intense emotional love in my entire life. And don’t even get me started on how hot the physical attraction and lusty acrobatics were. It was incredible!

JENNY:   She sounds wonderful, dear.

MARK:   But, here’s the thing, Jenny. The more I thought about it and the more the media hounded me, well, the more I realized that maybe I shouldn’t be with this Argentinian goddess– what with me being married to you and everything. Plus the fact we have like what, four kids together. 

JENNY:   So she’s not your soulmate?

MARK:    Don’t be silly– she’s my soulmate, that’s for sure. But you see, Jenny, I think maybe I shouldn’t have a mistress, so I’m going to do something very brave and very, very strong. I am going to resolve myself to falling in love with you, my wife, again!

JENNY:   But she’ll always be your soulmate?

MARK:   Absolutely. But you’ll always be my wife, Jenny, because a politician needs a wife to be all Tammy Wynette for him. And besides, a husband should love his wife, right?

JENNY:  Oh, Mark, you’re so romantic, I think I’m going to cry.

MARK:   Yep, I’m an incurable romantic, for sure, but no waterworks, please, Jenny. Now listen, I got to make a quick call to South America, then we can go out for a nice romantic dinner. How’s that sound?

JENNY:   It sounds wonderful, Mark. I love you, dear, I love you so much!

MARK:    And I’m working on it, babe.

Bookmark and Share

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

 

Mon 6 Jul 2009

Sweetening The Deal

Posted by admin under Humor
1 Comment

 

An Offer Too Good To Be True?

An offer too good to be true... or too good to pass up?

    Sources close to the Treasury Department say the U.S. government has yet to act on the proposal made recently by a mysterious man named “Bernie M. Adoff” claiming he can save our suffering economy. So the anonymous financial wizard has done what anyone does in a tough economy: he’s offering a better deal.

    His original offer was  “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money” in return for $2.4 trillion delivered to a prison address. In a letter sent early this morning, the man “guarantees to triple your money in less than three years, or, your money back. If it doesn’t happen, I guarantee I’ll be mightily disappointed!”

    The letter continues, “There’s never been a better way to lock-up guaranteed returns on a rock solid investment designed specifically with the U.S. Government in mind so you can sleep easy knowing your money’s working overtime.” 

    The new proposal also has a time sensitive bonus. “And if you act before midnight Tuesday, July 7th, I’ll give you Michael Jackson’s sequined glove and a mint conditioned autographed copy of ‘Thriller’ with a $1 million bill attached. You get priceless Michael Jackson memorabilia, plus a more robust economy. But wait, there’s more! If you act NOW, I’ll even enroll every American lifetime membership in the Gold Brick Bullion of the Month Club. Imagine the joy of having your mailman hand deliver a gold bullion brick to your doorstep every single month! Don’t miss this incredible once in a lifetime opportunity to secure an address on Easy Street. Act now, if not sooner!” 

    An anonymous government source said, “I just don’t know how we can pass up this deal. I mean, saving the economy and getting the glove! Holy sammyzoni!”

Bookmark and Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

 

Tue 30 Jun 2009

White Knight Proposes Rescue

Posted by admin under Humor
1 Comment

 

Can this mysterious man save the U.S. economy?

Can mysterious man save our economy?

    In a startling development, a mysterious white knight has come forward with a proposal to rescue the United States economy from the flushing swirly bowl.

    The mysterious man goes by the name “Bernie M. Adoff” and has contacted government officials with what he describes as “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money, easy as pie, with no worries, headaches or hassles”… “just give me your money and watch it grow, GRow, GROW!!!”

    The magical money multiplier says he has a “proven track record of making fortunes literally overnight.” In a two-page letter sent to President Barack Obama, the self-proclaimed economic recovery hero claims “and putting your money with me is safer than putting it in the bank because I don’t need a stinking bailout to pay you back!”

    In his letter, the man requests the government deliver the money (reportedly $2.4 trillion) to a federal prison address. “I’ll pay the government back a very, VERY handsome return over the next few years… up to 150 years. I’m in no hurry, your honor, I’ve got plenty of time to make the U.S. rich again.” 

    Government officials refused comment on whether the proposal is being considered.

Bookmark and Share

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

 

Next Page »