Crazy terrorists invade social media space.

ISIS Leader Abu Al Jerrylewis explains why the terrorist organization is invading the social media space.

The evil band of no-goodniks known as ISIS has long been heralded for its savvy social media skills. The terrorist group’s use of Twitter, Tinder, Facebook, YouTube, Social Sugar Smax!, LinkedIn, eHarmony and Let’s Connect, Okeedokee? has been heralded for generating propaganda and recruiting new psychopathic nut jobs. Now The Lint Screen has learned that ISIS is planning to expand into the hurly burly world of modern marketing by opening a social media agency.

“It’s a natural extension for us,” said Abu Al Jerrylewis, an ISIS leader who will be heading up the new operation. “We want to use all our social media expertise helping global brands connect with new audiences. Unfortunately, market research has showed that the ISIS brand is despised and feared, so we’re working on a cute approachable name for our new company. Some of the names we’ve been spitballing are Panda Touch, Social Awakenings and Die, Infidel, DIE!!!

Industry observers are skeptical if ISIS can successfully make the transition to a social media agency. “I don’t think these guys have any idea what a tough, brutal racquet social media marketing is,” said Gregg Emerflip, a marketing consultant. “ISIS will be going up against the likes of WPP, Omnicom and Havas–– I’m not sure they’re prepared for how vicious it will get.”

What do you think? Post your opinion on social media, if your Tweet attracts a drone, run!

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Read and cry into your green beer. Cheers!

Read and cry into your green beer. Cheers!

The Lint Screen has spent years doing an exhaustive study into the phenomenon of green beer that magically appears every St. Patrick’s Day, and we’ve discovered that it’s a ruse–– a cruel hoax perpetrated on the drinking public by profit-thirsty brewers.

“Beer makers just add a bunch of algae to the beer,” reported our deep-throated insider informer whistle blower dude. “The color is natural, but it’s not like the magical transformation that people believe.”

Most green beer drinkers believe the attractive green color comes from God’s love of the Irish, that in their honor, He performs the miracle of changing yellow to green every St. Patrick’s Day. Not so!

“I only wish ’twas true,” said a distraught Sean Driscoll O’Toole before he was struck with a bolt of lightning on his barstool and his burnt remains were eaten by a pack of coyotes that were then run over by a semi truck filled with barbells.

Luck of the Irish, indeed.

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Can you feel the hate radiating off the page?

Can you feel the hate radiating off the page?

I was guilty, not even Saul Goodman could have pled my case.

It was Saturday, the office parking lot of 22 spaces was empty when I pulled into it, so I slid into a space closer to the elevator than my own.

I figured this was my right as a lazy American. Why should I be subjected to unnecessary exercise? I took squatters rights on the vast expanse of parking; I was only going to be there a short time. It was a drive-by parking job, no big deal.

Wrong-o, boy-o. It was a HUGE deal. When I came down, twelve minutes later, another car was in the lot parked next to mine. Now there were two vehicles occupying the expanse of concrete.

Under my windshield was the piece of paper pictured above. Apparently I was in HIS/HER parking space. I assume it was a man, a very angry man. A very angry and possessive man. I’d knocked his world off its axis. I had invaded his space, inconveniencing him by forcing him to walk an extra two or three steps to the elevator.

I read his raging words with the underlined emphasis on “MY” and decided I’d keep it handy. The note is posted at my desk at work (not far from my latex glove collection) as a reminder that many Americans are bubbling cauldrons of rage primed to erupt at the slightest provocation.

We all need to chill, or, at the very least, fence in our parking spaces.

POSTSCRIPT: I felt somewhat guilty as I slashed his tires, gave the car a world class key job and lit it afire.

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Two famous newsmen secretly met and shared tales of better days.

Two famous newsmen secretly met and swapped tales of better days.

Holland Bar in Hell’s Kitchen seemed an odd spot to meet a couple multi-millionaire media stars, but The Lint Screen recently descended into this dive bar to eavesdrop on a conversation between Fox Newsman Bill O’Reilly and NBC Anchor Brian Williams. The two tall men sat at the end of the bar with tumblers of scotch and commiserated on their recent troubles.
BO: It’s a media hit job, the whole thing they’re pulling on me.
BW: I hear you, pal. The wolves sharpened their teeth on my ass.
BO: Know what their problem is?
BW: They’ve got no imagination?
BO: Of course, that, but their real problem is they can’t stand integrity, and it irks the hell out of them that some journalists still got it.
BW: Guys like you and me.
BO: Right. Guys putting ourselves on the line to get the story.
BW: The whole story. It’s why I go in harm’s way.
BO: And why I wrote my “Killing” book series. Hell, I didn’t even write about being on the grassy knoll when Kennedy bought the farm.
BW: Really? You must have been pretty young.
BO: Thirteen, fourteen, or something. But even then, I had a nose for the news. I sensed a story was unfolding in the land our forefathers called Texas.
BW: What a coincidence, I call it Texas, too.
BO: Hey, barkeep! (O’Reilly shouts) Want to fill my glass, or do I have to die from dehydration down here? (To BW) Service in America sucks. There’s no compassion whatsoever.
BW: Service sector needs to focus on humanity.
BO: My point exactly. (To bartender as he pours scotch into his glass) Don’t be shy, buddy, if you expect a good tip. And do my friend here again.
BW: Thanks, Bill.
(The bartender finishes pouring and steps to the other end of the bar.)
BO: Where was I?
BW: The grassy knoll.
BO: Right. Shots rang out and…
BW: I was on the plane, you know…
BO: The plane? What plane?
BW: Air Force One. With LBJ getting sworn in. Poor Jackie, she looked so sad. That dress was absolutely ruined.
BO: Really? You were there? You must have been a little kid.
BW: I was four, I think. Yeah, a kid, I guess…
BO: That’s amazing.
BW: Well, like you, I guess I had a nose for news.
BO: And that’s why all the other media pinheads hate us–– they despise that we do the job.
BW: It’s all about the story. Doing whatever it takes to get the story.
BO: Right. And others are too lazy to go find the story behind the story, and that so often is the story! So what do they do? They come gunning for guys like us.
BW: Exactly.
BO: You like this scotch?
BW: Sure. It’s smoky, nice full-bodied flavor.
BO: It’s my recipe. I sold it to a distillery. Told them to keep my name off the bottle. I don’t want to be whoring booze. Might ruin my credibility.
BW: Really? That’s incredible. You created the recipe for this wonderful scotch?
BO: Yeah. Look, if a newsman doesn’t know a good drink, then who the hell does? I’ll tell you about it…

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Wisdom dispensed, world pays attention.

As wisdom is dispensed, the world pays close attention.

Steve “Lippy” Wasinfurg is a very hard man to please. The assistant manager of a Target store in Gladstone, Virginia recently spoke to The Lint Screen about his views on life.

“Good enough isn’t good enough,” the 38-year old divorced father of four said as he lighted a Marlboro Light and spat on the ground, then scratched his left thigh and rolled his eyes. “I mean, if you come to play, you better play to win, and you want to win, you better be willing to give a hundred and ten percent, because a hundred percent ain’t going to cut it these days. Truth is, you give a hundred percent and some one else gives a hundred and one percent, guess what? You lose. That’s a fact, do the math!”

The retail maven flicked his cigarette at this reporter and shouted, “You think I’m lying here? Do you?! Well, do you?!”
“No,” this frightened reporter responded.
“You better not, because if I’m lying I’m dying.” The retail maven relaxed, stepped forward and spat in this reporter’s face. He then lit another cigarette and continued pontificating.

“Trouble with the world today is people don’t have the eye of the tiger. And let me tell you, you don’t have the eye of the tiger and keep that eye on the ball, well, you take yourself out of the game. You might as well quit and hit the showers. Call it a day because winners never quit and quitters never win. That’s all I’m saying. Are you listening to me–– well, are you scumbag?” the red-faced man said shoving this reporter hard in the chest and knocking him to the ground where he tumbled like a rag doll in a clothes dryer.

“Yes, I’m listening,” the frightened reporter meowed with the taste of his own blood on his lips.
“You damn well better,” the agitated man in a shirt and tie said as he kicked dirt into this scribe’s face. Rivers of tears absorbed the dirty dirt making face mud.
“Yes, sir, I will. I promise.”
“You better,” said Steve “Lippy” Wasinfurg. “You don’t even want to see me get upset.”

This reporter scrambled to his feet and darted to his car, driving off to get back to the office to dispatch this important report.

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A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.

A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.

Alabama Congressman Hank Tippsmon has introduced “The Behind Bars Protection Act”, a bill designed to curtail violence among the over 2.5 million people incarcerated in America.

The revolutionary law is simple in its execution–– every prisoner would be issued a firearm and ammunition for self protection purposes.

“Crime is a real problem in America,” explained Rep. Tippsmon, “that’s true on the streets and especially true in our prisons. These places are filled with nasty people. With my new law, we’d empower the folks most in danger in modern society, those people who live every blessed day among the criminal element–– the prisoners themselves. Armed prisoners could finally stand their ground and protect their Constitutional right to bear arms. I honestly cannot think of a downside to this law, and frankly am shocked no one’s thought of it before. I pray that my fellow members of Congress and everyone in Washington does the right thing and makes this law happen. The idea is bulletproof.”

There has been no word yet from other members of Congress or The White House, but there is widespread support among the prison population.

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