Hannity opens a bottle and opens up on the state of American politics

Fox News megastar Sean Hannity opens a fresh bottle of Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 23-Year-Old Bourbon and takes a thirsty gulp. “The fake news media is out of frickin’ control,” he says, “and I’m going to call them out on it.”

Hannity dropped by The Lint Screen world headquarters to vent his spleen and abuse his liver. He was in rare form. Here are some highlights from his rambling pontifications.

“The Nunes memo blew the cover off the evil liberal conspiracy against President Trump. That memo revealed a secret Satanic plot against our democracy and freedom. It’s not hyperbole when I say that what the Killery crew did was a trillion times worse than Watergate! Maybe more than a trillion times worse. A gazillion times!”

“Devin Nunes is a true patriot. He’s going to be revealing even more truth by exposing other scandals. A hundred years from now, there will be statues of Nunes in every town square. He’s like Paul Revere warning us against the dangers coming our way.”

“We need to stop Mueller and his witch hunt. It’s a disgrace what the deep state is doing to our democracy. Obama’s foot soldiers are putting their noses where they don’t belong. Russian collusion?! Give me a break. Это самая смешная вещь, которую я когда-либо слышал! The FBI should spend their time investigating real crimes like the Clinton child porn ring operated from a New York pizzeria. That place doesn’t even have a good slice! Or, the Killery plot to kill nuns and burn down Southern Baptist churches while spitting on Bibles. Or, Obama and Michelle going into hospitals and killing old people in their sleep by snuffing them with pillows–– then, eating their Jello-O. Where’s the FBI on that stuff?!”

“Why doesn’t someone investigate Nancy Pelosi and her army of flying monkeys that steal binkies from baby mouths and sells them on the black market in Haiti? It’s outrageous what she’s doing, and she’s getting away with it!”

“Trump is the most popular president we’ve ever had. Want proof? His inauguration crowd was the biggest ever–– there’s your proof!”

“We need to take science books out of schools and replace them with Bibles. Kids will learn a heck of a lot more from the good book than any of that science crap! Climate change? Gimme a break–– it’s been a cold winter!”

“The president and first lady have a great relationship. She adores him, and he’s crazy for her. They’re like teens in love. For her birthday last year, he gave her an autographed copy of THE ART OF THE DEAL. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.”

“Trump is without a doubt our greatest president ever. He’s working hard to make America great again, boosting our economy by increasing employment in coal mines. The future is coal! Clean coal that’s April fresh. And, we’re finally opening up national parks so we can drill and mine all the riches God and mother nature have provided for us.”

“Immigrants are taking all the good migrant worker jobs. Build that wall!!!”

“Rich people hate the recent GOP tax plan. Like Trump says, it’s not very popular with his wealthy friends at Mar A Lago because it’s going to cost them big. But the president thinks it’s the right thing to do in order to give Joe and Jane six pack some extra money for Twinkies to put in their lunch pails.”

“Benghazi! Missing e-mails! Travelgate! Monica! Uranium! Obama’s birth certificate! What about all those?! Lock them up!!!”

“Trump’s hair is absolutely real. I’ve run my fingers through it. Our great leader has a thick mane of luxurious, manageable with full body and no split ends.”

“I’m a journalist, and I believe in journalistic integrity and the sanctity of the fourth estate. No one respects and supports the free press more than I do. But, I think Trump should imprison all the fake news people out there not supporting and rallying the public for the president’s initiatives in making America great again. CNN, The New York Times, Washington Post, all the networks, except for Fox News, they all need to be arrested and beaten to within an inch of their lives for the lies they’re telling. If we have to build another Gitmo, let’s do it. Let’s waterboard them! I’m a journalist, let the truth prevail!”

Hannity finished his bottle and threw it against the wall. “I love Trump,” he said as he collapsed to the floor and painted himself in his own sick. “Ivanka…”

Devin Nunes plots more conspiracies to blather about

Congressman Devin Nunes is a huge drama queen, and through exceptional investigative journalism (and a crisp Lincoln and shiny buttons) The Lint Screen has discovered some of the memo subjects the hysterical looney may write and release. They are shocking!

Benghazi And Hillary, Kenya and No Obama Birth Certificate–– The Plot To Destroy Our Democracy From The Inside

A Complete List of All The Commies in Hollywood (NOTE: IF YOU PRINT THIS, YOU’LL NEED SOME EXTRA REAMS OF PAPER)

How The Democrats Are Working With Satan To Promote Science In Schools And Teaching Our Children To Take Knees During The National Anthem

Mueller Is On A Witch Hunt And Is Talking Behind The President’s Back So He Must Be Charged With Treason

Pets–– They Can’t Be Trusted. Beware!

What About Monica? And Travelgate? And Vince Foster? And Benghazi? And Hillary’s Missing E-Mails? And Joe Scarborough Murdering His Intern? What About Them, Huh? Maybe Someone Should Look Into That Stuff!!!!

The Fake Media Has A Vendetta Against Glorious Leader, Why Americans Should Only Trust Fox News

FBI Evil Forces Are Against Making America Great Again Even If They Are Registered Republicans! They Are The Bad Kind!

Why Our Future Survival And Robust Economy Depends On Fossil Fuels

Proof There Was Absolutely No Collusion With Russia, And That Donald J. Trump Won Fair And Square, And Why Is It Putin Seems To Get Better Looking Every Day? Has He Found The Fountain of Youth, Or What? The Guy Is Dreamy!

Nunes is determined to continue his nonpartisan crusade for truth, or so he says.

Is Punxsutawney Phil “in the tank” against Trump?

This morning, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, forecasting six more weeks of winter, and Rep. Devin Nunes, chairman of the United States House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, is livid.

“That damn big fat rat is an FBI mole,” Nunes told The Lint Screen. “The groundhog is in the tank against glorious leader Trump, and I aim to set the record as straight as an Evangelical on Saturday night.”

Nunes, who has alleged an anti-Trump bias by the FBI over the Russia investigation, thinks what happened this morning in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is further proof of a conspiracy.

“By sentencing America to six more weeks of winter, the deep state wants to put us in a deep freeze. The Liberati can’t stand the fact Trump beat Killery in a landslide election, getting more votes than any President in history. Not only that, President Trump’s inaugural crowd was the largest in the history of the world. And his state of the union address the other night broke records–– more people watched it than ten Super Bowls put together! El Capitan has an incredible 99% approval rating with the America people–– his people, and that makes the Obama-Killery crew furious. So now they’re doing everything in their power to shut him down, even if it means co-opting an innocent groundhog!”

Nunes thinks the plot with the groundhog seeing his shadow was a devious political act. “The deep state knows lousy weather gets Americans angry, and I suppose they hope the country will blame our courageous leader, who is determined to make America great again. It won’t work. Speaking as an unbiased representative, I won’t allow it to happen.”

The California congressman took a deep breath. “What’s going on now with Mueller and his goon squad is an affront to our freedom. They’re all Russian agents. Now, we must fight not only evil humans, but dastardly animals as well. But, there are still concerned, dedicated patriots like myself who will do whatever it takes to protect our fantastic president who speaks only truth to power. We will prevail!”

Nunes then hugged a picture of the president close to his heart and cooed like a baby.

Russian leader celebrates Donald Trump

While America watched President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, Russian President Vladimir Putin had already given his view of the United States of America.

“Your country is so much better under Trump,” Putin told The Lint Screen. “He has proven himself to be a great leader. Very strong. He is truly making America great again,” the blue-eyed kingpin cooed.

“Trump was very wise to lift sanctions against Russia,” Putin continued. “A very smart move. There is no need to punish us for tampering with your election. That never happened. We believe in freedom of choice. Freedom and free speech are sacred to us. Reports of Russia tampering with American election is fake news. Trump should shut down the press, all of the press. There is no need for any news besides Fox News. Fox and Friends is a great news show! Trump should find the people who recommended Russian sanctions and imprison them. Or, better yet, execute them. They are traitors, and traitors must die.”

The Russian top dog is upset about the recent release of a list of 114 Russian politicians and 96 “oligarchs” who have flourished monetarily under Putin’s reign. “People have good fortune, they become rich. So what? Whoever released the list should pay the price. They might not feel so bold when their fingers are clipped one at a time, or, a hammer slams their knees, or, sulfuric acid is used as eye drops.”

Putin says his relationship with Trump is excellent. “We talk all the time. He calls me. I call him. We wait to see who will hang up first,” Putin chuckles. “Neither of us wants to disconnect! President Trump is a wonderful man. America is lucky to have him.”

Putin dispatched two aides to beat this reporter mercilessly and shove him out a window.

The fed is about to turn up the heat on the chief.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of The Lint Screen (and a blabbermouth we met at our nightly Secret Society meeting), we have secured a copy of the questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller will be asking President Trump when they face off.

Here they are:
1. Which Marx brother is your favorite–– Harpo, Chico, Groucho, or Karl?
2. Do you like Russian dressing on your salad?
3. Кого вы любите больше, Иванка и Мелания?
4. Two trains leave Moscow headed for Khabarovsk, one is traveling 80 mph, the other 60 mph. Paul Manafort is on the first train, Carter Page on the second. Which man has the bag of money to give to the Russian operatives?
5. Describe your relationship with Russian bots.
6. Mike Pence–– what the hell’s the deal with that guy anyway?
7. Have you read “War and Peace”? Which one did you like better?
8. Did you really think you were going to win the presidency? Really? Come on, really?
9. If you had a hammer, would you hammer in the morning, or, would you pair it with a sickle?
10. Did you collude with Russians to win the election? If not, why?
11. Do you think Hillary did it? Should I lock her up?
12. What is Vladimir Putin’s favorite color?
13. Do you think Peter was good, or, was Peter the great?
14. Have you ever seen those Russian dolls, you know, the ones where each doll fits inside another, and another, and another, and so on? Do you think those dolls are an appropriate gift for an 8-year-old girl, or, do you think she’d prefer a Malibu Barbi?
15. Lenin or McCartney?
16. Do you have a good recipe for Borscht, my comrade?
17. Did you know there’s a proven relief for the problem of frequent Wikileaks at night?
18. Does Stephen Miller creep you out? Come on, seriously, does he?
19. Wouldn’t you like to just go back to reality TV and screw this whole politics thing?
20. Are you dirty? Don’t make me come over there and bitch slap you–– ARE YOU DIRTY?!

Sources report Mueller is confident he will get Trump to crack.

The president tests Satan!

Religious leaders usually preach against adultery, but not in the case of Donald J. Trump!

Trump’s lawyer allegedly paid $130,000 to Stormy Daniels, a porn star actress, to keep quiet about her 2011 affair with the current president. Trump has an 81% approval rating among evangelicals, but this news does not seem to matter to his flock.

“President Trump succumbed to Satan’s temptation–– whoop dee doo,” Focus on the Family leader Timothy “Preachy” Woolcott told The Lint Screen. “We should not be so judgmental when it comes to sins of the flesh, especially when we’re talking about getting some sweet smoldering smashing with the hot star of Good Will Humping! Classic flick!” Woolcott closed his eyes, perhaps in prayer.

“If we are going to make America great again,” Woolcott continued, “we have to fight Satan daily to prove ourselves. Some days the dark prince will win, but if we are to prevail, we must engage him in battle.” Woolcott paused reflexively.

“What Trump did was not good, but I’ll bet the sex was good–– amazing even, I’ll bet–– but he deserves our understanding and forgiveness for his weakness of the flesh. Especially when we’re talking about Lucifer taking the form of the curvaceous babe who was incredibly tempting in The Witches of Breastwick, Pussy Sweat, Love Potion 69, and Poking With Pride.”

Woolcott became excited and began hyperventilating. He reached into his pocket and took out a brown paper bag. He huffed into the bag for six minutes, then continued.

“Make no mistake, Beelzebub takes many forms, and sometimes that form can give a blind man a limp. There is no hypocrisy in giving a mulligan to someone for engaging in adultery–– hey, God says a lot of things, you know–– He can’t possibly mean all of them. No, let’s move on. It’s time we forgive our human president and prepare for Armageddon. Sweet, sweet, Armageddon.” Woolcott smiled.

By the way,” Wolcott said, as he leaned into this reporter, “did you see the Stormster in Trailer Trash Nurses 6 . Damnation, that girl can act!”

Let us pray.

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