The terrible terrorist group ISIL believes cute kittens will make it more adorable

The terrible terrorist group ISIS believes cute kittens will make it more adorable

The Islamic State Group (a.k.a. ISIL, ISIS, A-Holes, A-Whats-a-matter-u?) believes it has a bad reputation and has hired Milligan-Koswell Public Relations in New York City to soften its terrible image.

“These guys are pretty upset,” said E. Carlson Foswell, the Management Supervisor of the new account at M-K PR. “They’ve worked hard to establish a new brand in terrorism, one that is pure evil. A dream team of ruthlessness. The members are frustrated because they’re very savvy in social media channels, but they’re not viewed as being approachable. Let’s face it, Tweets, beheading videos, sadistic murders and outrageous cruelties will only get you so far, and it’s probably not going to make you many friends on Facebook.”

To combat the ISIS image problem, M-K PR has begun a new branding campaign employing cute kittens. “There’s a reason kittens are a meme–– they’re absolutely adorable! Using cute balls of fur with loving eyes will make ISIS more approachable. Kittens also acknowledge a ferocious nature within. We think using kittens is brilliant! In addition, we’re creating a total re-branding campaign with a bright colorful logo, a jingle with a bouncy-C infectious beat, and a catchy slogan. It’ll be epic! We’re also working to get a terrorist spokesman on Fallon, Letterman and The Daily Show. Maybe even a guest spot in Gray’s Anatomy, The Walking Dead or Modern Family. We’re even talking with the NFL about possibly performing at halftime during The Super Bowl. We’re pulling out all the stops.”

In response to the announcement, al-Qaeda is reportedly putting its marketing/PR account up for review.

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World's most popular excellent incredible amazing leader returns to adoring masses

World’s most popular excellent incredible amazing leader returns to adoring and loving masses

Ebola, ISIL, Ukraine, immigrants, midterm elections–– just when you thought the news couldn’t get any worse, comes amazing revelations from North Korea as its beloved leader Kim Jong Un returns to the public eye after disappearing since September 3.

“I was on a a bit of a walkabout,” said the charismatic god-like head of state. “All the reports of my cheese addiction and gout bouts are wrong and those who spread such lies will be caught, tortured and slaughtered like the pigs they are. I will stretch their skins over furniture and sell it at Ikea!”

The incredible man began eating the large wheel of cheddar cheese that he sat upon and continued speaking through orange chews. “I have been doing important things, like curing cancer, ebola and becoming the first man to run a two-minute mile and shoot a record sixteen for an 18-hole round of golf. It was on Augusta National. I have the scorecard to prove it. I also bowled a 480 game, my beer frame was remarkable, and I hit a baseball so hard that it landed on the moon. Anyone who doubts these amazing feats will have his throat sliced. The population of the world can now once again sleep at night–– its greatest leader and human speciman is back!”

Hoo-ray!!!

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Lawyers march on The Lint Screen offices.

Lawyers march on The Lint Screen offices.

Give people an inch, and they’ll sue you.

The Lint Screen recently made the generous offer to provide free urine testing over the internet, and rather than be heaped with praise, our offices have been heaped with lawsuits from shills in shiny suits representing pissed people claiming that they have urine-stained and broken computer keyboards.

Boo hoo, wah wah!

But this morning was the straw that made the camel smoke Camel cigarettes because he hurt his back, and our dander is up in its hackles. We’ve just received a lawsuit claiming that some idiot thought we were also testing stool samples over the internet, and, well, you can imagine what the doofus did.

We give up! Effective IMMEDIATELY, The Lint Screen is stopping all its advanced medical testing. This includes our internet blood testing, ebola screening, dialysis, Lance Armstrong blood doping, Keith Richards blood immortality transfusions and our sperm bank.

We’re sorry, but it’s obvious no one can do anything nice these days–– not with lawyers running around suing anything that moves.

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Lady Justice seeks justice against ne'er-do-wells

Lady Justice seeks justice against ne’er-do-wells

Since making the generous FREE offer of urine tests for readers of The Lint Screen, our offices have been deluged by legal parasites looking to suck at the teat of Lady Justice–– but her scales show that you litigious deadbeats are way out of line.

Allegedly many of the people who urinated on their computer keyboards report that the device is permanently damaged and are seeking retribution from this noble and trusted news source. While we regret if any readers had technical difficulties, we can report that our urinalysis hypothesis is that their diets are insufficient in potassium, niacin and Vitamins A and E. Their irrational anger is a direct result of this deficiency. As promised, we give this expert medical opinion FREE of charge.

Now, please cease and desist and call off your rabid legal beagles.

You’re welcome.

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At last, a quick and convenient was to collect urine samples.

At last, a quick and convenient way to collect your urine samples.

As a public service, The Lint Screen is proud to offer a revolutionary advance in medicine–– urine tests collected over the internet!

YES, just in time for flu and cold season, we will scientifically analyze your urine and identify the vitamins, minerals and supplements you need to battle the nasty germs and bacteria waiting to attack you in the dangerous cold season ahead.

The cost? FREE.
How can we do this? Volume. We said, “VOLUME!!!”

Act now and take advantage of this incredible offer. Just follow these simple steps:

1. Collect urine sample (urinate directly on to your keyboard)
2. Use a pen or pencil and hit the SEND button
3. We’ll analyze your sample and RUSH your results!

FYI, this also works on mobile devices and tablets. HURRY!!!

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A male mannequin bares all and it's smooth

A male mannequin bares all and it’s smooth

In part four of The Lint Screen’s exclusive mannequin series, we hear from a male model who works at Nordstrom’s and is comfortable in his hard plastic skin. Meet Phillipe, in menswear.

“I am who I am, and who I am is someone who knows who he is.

I’m not like those female mannequins with their hysterics and serial dramas. I don’t let my emotions show. Dig? They call it cool, ladies. C-O-OOL!

How do I stay so chill? What’s to worry about–– I’m handsome, I dress well, my crotch is smooth as a naked baby’s butt.

I’m a catch. The total package, sans a package. And I’m a laff ri-OTT.

I am who I am, and I see a shoplifter in the tie department. Someone call security. Seriously, that dude in the tacky green shirt just stuck a $140 tie into his pocket.”

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