Big news spreads like wildfire on fire.

Big news spreads like wildfire on fire.

Tinsel Town is quiet tonight. Sealed like a vacuum-tight can of cashews. No one’s saying nothing, but the rumors wash this glittery city like waves beating the shore.

In and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out–– you get the drift.

What has Hollywood quaking? The Lint Screen has heard unconfirmed rumors that one of the major studios is harboring an original idea that could be green-lighted for production soon!

“Word is it’s something totally fresh,” said Mumbles McElroy, a trusted Hollywood insider. “And I hear tell it ain’t got nothing to do with comic books, best selling novels, tent pole franchises, sequels or reboots. Hollywood ain’t made a film like that in decades,” Mumbles said lighting a cigar and taking a long nip from his flask. “One skuttlebutt says it’s about an underdog boxer who beats incredible odds and becomes the world champion! So help me, Jimmy, an underdog finally getting his day in the sun! I’d buy a row of tickets and a barrel of popcorn for that kind of fresh idea, yes sir,” the grizzled vet said as he spat on the ground and did a two-step.

El Chapo escapes to the big time–– VIVA LAS VEGAS!

El Chapo escapes to the big time–– VIVA LAS VEGAS!

Officials representing Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman have announced the recent prison escapee will be headlining at The Mirage Hotel & Casino on the Las Vegas strip this fall.

“El Chapo has proven his amazing skills with magic,” his agent Jimmy “Gimme Gimme” Sandropop told The Lint Screen, “and now he wants to come prove his mettle where David Copperfield, Penn & Teller, Criss Angel and other so-called magicians have made tons of money. They are all crap!” the spokesman said spitting to the ground in disgust. He continued his pitch.

“The Great El Chapo has escaped every cell he has ever been put in. And he does it in style–– helicopters, tunnels with motorcycles, waffle makers, frozen margarita machines and juggling monkeys on unicycles–– whatever he wants, he gets, no strings attached, no tricks involved. He makes Houdini look like a talentless hack. El Chapo is the best magician ever, and he will prove it in the toughest test conditions anywhere–– on the fabulous Las Vegas strip! Of course, there will be a two-drink minimum. We’ll also have other ‘recreations’ available for the more adventurous patrons.”

Greece makes good on debt with generous gift.

Greece makes good on debt with generous gift.

The EuroZone is rejoicing now that Greece has finally settled its massive debt with the gift of a gigantic horse.

“We’re not looking this gift in the mouth,” said Hans Schneblown, the German Finance Minister who heads the Euro-Monetary-Health Fund. “We’re just delighted to get any payment at all from Greece. We had taken to calling them ‘the deadbeat nation’ behind their backs. Cruel, I know, but I mean, c’mon already!”

As for the Greeks, an official representative said, “This horse should shut those European cry-holes. They are such babies, maybe they’ll quit sobbing when their throats are cut in the middle of the night. Oops, said too much,” the spokesman said as he hid beneath the podium.

Clickety-click-click-click!

Clickety-click-click-click!

The Lint Screen discovers the power of clickbait. The world bites!

Trouble ahead, bad acting notification–– beware!

Trouble ahead, bad acting notification–– beware!

I fed the beast. Ponied-up some money to see Jurassic World. If you’re one of the 316 people left on the planet who has not seen it, let this serve as a warning.

Don’t! It’s a steaming pile of dino dump.

All the money and attention is paid in the service of the technology that creates dinosaurs in ones and zeros, and by that measure, the film succeeds. You will believe dinosaurs exist and they won’t make very good house pets.

As for the protoplasm side of the equation, this film is chocked with B and C level talent. Okay, except for Chris Pratt, who has star power and does what he can given the lameness of the script. Vincent D’Onofrio chews up some scenery, and the rest of the cast feels like a community theatre production. It’s as if IMDB had a lottery and the cast was selected on the basis of their “luckiness.”

Bryce Dallas Howard is the lead. Huh? Why?

I won’t bother going on. The message is that people and their greed are bad. Special effects good. Who am I kidding–– you’re going to see it, aren’t you?

Welcome to modern cinema, where computers rule and humans pay to see their handiwork.

The talkative one back in his "hay-day" as a TV superstar.

The talkative one back in his “hay-day” as a TV superstar.

The Lint Screen has learned Mr. Ed, the world’s most famous talking horse, has taken a vow of silence and become a Trappist Monk.

When reached for a comment, the ex-TV star was tight-lipped.

Next Page »