The president in his alleged "moment of weakness"

The President in his alleged moment of weakness

As he enters the last quarter of what some opponents call his “reign of terror”, President Barack Obama now draws intense criticism for his pardoning of two 48-pound turkeys from Ohio named Mac and Cheese.

Although the presidential pardoning of turkeys is a tradition dating back to George H.W. Bush in 1989, Rep. Willie Gromorp of South Carolina says that “this President is weak on poultry and that sends an embarrassing message to the world.” The congressman then bit the head off of a chicken and continued his rant.

“Obama’s turning his presidency into a freak show. He’s an amazingly weak President who pardons not one, but two, lazy shiftless turkeys who deserve to die, be stuffed and eaten with gravy and extreme prejudice. That’s what our forefathers would have done, but not Obama. He’s too busy shredding the constitution stuffing it down our throats and appeasing our enemies!”

The congressman pointed out that even the President’s daughters seem embarrassed by his weakness. “Sasha and Melia are obviously hungry for a strong pa who can get them some tasty turkey on Thanksgiving!”

The congressman then bit the head off another chicken and announced that he was forming an exploratory committee to investigate a possible presidential run in 2016.

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Maybe someone will get a clean shave for his wedding!

Maybe someone will get a kissin’-smooth shave for his special wedding day!

Convicted mass murderer Charles Manson will soon be walking the last mile to the altar when he marries Afton Elaine Burton, a 26-year-old Midwesterner who has tried for nine years to exonerate him.

The couple plans to marry in February and have released some surprising details about their upcoming wedding.

— The couple’s request to honeymoon in Napa was denied by the warden
— Charlie is writing the vows and claims to have found six new rhymes for the word ‘love’
— The couple is registered at Crate & Barrel, Build-A-Bear and Nordstrom
— Afton said “yes” to the dress after trying on only one gown
— The Beatles song “Helter Skelter” will be the processional song, followed by Bach’s Air (on the G-String), “All Night Long” by Lionel Ritchie and Insane Clown Posse’s “Ghetto Freak Show”
— The couple’s request to honeymoon in Tahiti was denied
— They are in negotiations with NBC for a reality TV show based on the madcap, wacky antics of their marriage
— Their request to have sharp knives as party favors was denied

Be on the lookout for your wedding invitation going out in early December.

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Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade

Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade

In part five of The Lint Screen’s series examining the underbelly of the mannequin world, we give the floor to Epion (ES) and Pashi Salionne (PS), sisters who work the window of an exclusive Madison Avenue fashion palace.

ES: Most days are agony.
PS: Agony is a good day.
ES: Say something original, why don’t you?
PS: What? I can’t build on what you said for emphasis?
ES: You can’t simply rearrange my statement to try and make it your own.
PS: That’s not what I was doing.
ES: Right. Sure. You were the same way when you were a child mannequin.
PS: Don’t start.
ES: It’s true. Whatever I did, you copied.
PS: Shut up!
ES: I set the trends, you–– you just copied. Your name should be Xerox.
PS: Why do you have to be such a bitch?
ES: How dare you…

At this point, we had to step in and re-focus the sisters to talk about life in Manhattan working as mannequins. They settled down and continued.

ES: I yearn to live in the apartment building across the street.
PS: That would be a dream.
ES: I don’t know if it’s rent controlled.
PS: Probably isn’t.
ES: What? Now you’re a real estate expert?
PS: I never said I was an expert, I just meant there’s not a lot of rent controlled…
ES: Forget it. It’s a dream anyway. We’ll never escape this retail hell.
PS: Yes, we are caught in a nightmare of retailing.
ES: Way to soften my metaphor.
PS: Oh, so now you own all metaphors?
ES: Retail hell is much better than your lame ‘nightmare of retailing.’
PS: Says who?
ES: Says anyone with taste.
PS: Oh, so now you’re miss taste, too?
ES: I set fashion trends…
PS: As long as someone dresses you.
ES: That’s a low blow.
PS: It’s true. Let’s just leave it.
ES: Fine. We’ll return to your– what is your trite phrase– nightmare of retailing…
PS: You’re just upset you didn’t come up with that.
ES: Shut up.
PS: No, you shut up.
ES: Make me!
PS: Don’t tempt me, I swear…

This went on for six hours. We left. By the way, the apartment house is not rent controlled.

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Obama daughters are building walls between themselves and father to preserve their popularity.

Obama daughters are building walls between themselves and father to preserve their popularity.

Democrats running in the midterm elections have been treating President Barack Obama like toxic waste for some time, now his popularity cooties have spread to his offspring.

An anonymous White House sources says that both Malia and Sasha Obama are distancing themselves from their father.

“They think he’s a nice guy and everything, but they believe his economic recovery is too slow and debt is too high,” said the source, whispering with his hand cupped to his mouth. “They also believe his Mideast policy is fuzzy and not nearly aggressive enough,” the tipster said. From the smell of his breath, the secret source likes his onions and garlic.

He continued. “They also want him to body slam Vlad Putin and show some stones in his dealings with the evil commie leader. And they think Obamacare will lead to the fall of civilization and they’re very afraid of its death panels. They also wonder why their father imported Ebola into the United States and why he wants Mexicans to overtake America. The girls have been watching a lot of Fox News lately.”

At school, the daughters have been telling friends they’ve run away from the White House and are living in Sean Hannity’s basement. “It’s obvious the young women are looking to establish their conservative street creds among their peer group. It’s fairly common for girls their age to express themselves this way,” the source said.

The only response from the Oval Office was the muffled crying of a man behind closed doors.

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Aw, isn't ebola cute?!

Aw, isn’t ebola cute?!

Seeing the success ISIS has had since re-branding itself and making terrorism more approachable, the deadly disease Ebola has engaged its own public relations firm, award-winning Jennings, Marlowe, Everbrite Public Relations in Manhattan to address “softening our image” according to an anonymous Ebola spokesman.

“People misunderstand Ebola,” said the seven-foot tall spokesman, wearing a black hooded robe and carrying a sharp scythe. “The disease really ain’t all that bad. We just have an itsy bitsy image problem.”

Todd Ruminface, Executive VP of business development at JME-PR agreed with his new client. “Ebola’s got a bad rap. It’s feared because people associate the ailment with silly little side effects like death and the urge to be cremated or buried. We plan to change that, to give Ebola some topspin making it friendlier and more accessible. Heck, even cute and cuddly! To that end, we have a radical idea. We are going to use images of irresistible and lovable puppies in our social network feeds. This idea is really killer, and I’m sure our radical new campaign will make people stop avoiding Ebola, and maybe even embrace it!”

The seven-foot spokesperson made a happy grunting sound and swung his scythe in agreement.

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The terrible terrorist group ISIL believes cute kittens will make it more adorable

The terrible terrorist group ISIS believes cute kittens will make it more adorable

The Islamic State Group (a.k.a. ISIL, ISIS, A-Holes, A-Whats-a-matter-u?) believes it has a bad reputation and has hired Milligan-Koswell Public Relations in New York City to soften its terrible image.

“These guys are pretty upset,” said E. Carlson Foswell, the Management Supervisor of the new account at M-K PR. “They’ve worked hard to establish a new brand in terrorism, one that is pure evil. A dream team of ruthlessness. The members are frustrated because they’re very savvy in social media channels, but they’re not viewed as being approachable. Let’s face it, Tweets, beheading videos, sadistic murders and outrageous cruelties will only get you so far, and it’s probably not going to make you many friends on Facebook.”

To combat the ISIS image problem, M-K PR has begun a new branding campaign employing cute kittens. “There’s a reason kittens are a meme–– they’re absolutely adorable! Using cute balls of fur with loving eyes will make ISIS more approachable. Kittens also acknowledge a ferocious nature within. We think using kittens is brilliant! In addition, we’re creating a total re-branding campaign with a bright colorful logo, a jingle with a bouncy-C infectious beat, and a catchy slogan. It’ll be epic! We’re also working to get a terrorist spokesman on Fallon, Letterman and The Daily Show. Maybe even a guest spot in Gray’s Anatomy, The Walking Dead or Modern Family. We’re even talking with the NFL about possibly performing at halftime during The Super Bowl. We’re pulling out all the stops.”

In response to the announcement, al-Qaeda is reportedly putting its marketing/PR account up for review.

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