The judge defends himself against accusers.

Roy Moore is not going to allow “a gaggle of lying ladies” upset his bid to become an Alabama Senator. He spoke to The Lint Screen earlier today.

“It all a bunch of poppycock,” Moore said, responding to the many allegations of his pursuing underage girls when he was in his thirties. “These women are all coming forward now, decades later, with their wild stories, and they expect voters to believe them? Who do these liars think they are?”

Moore leaned forward in his chair and spoke earnestly. “I do not know these women, have never been with them, and deny all their wild claims. And even if I had done anything to them when they were in their teens, maybe they brought it on themselves. Lots of teen dress real sexy, you know. But I didn’t do anything. That’s all I’m saying. And I have the president of the U.S. of A., Steve Bannon, and the entire Republican National Committee backing me up. So good luck with all your crazy made-up stories, tramps!”

The judge’s face was red. “And if I did sign their yearbooks, maybe they entrapped me, you ever think of that? Maybe they asked me for my autograph and dictated creepy messages they wanted me to write. But that never happened. Those signed yearbooks are obvious forgeries. I am one hundred percent innocent. I go to church, for crying out loud!”

Moore took a deep breath. “All these silly lying ladies were hired by liberals trying to make me look bad. But it not going to work, no sir! Besides, all any voter needs to know is this––Roy Moore is not a Democrat. Case closed.”

Moore stood up. “I gotta go now. School’s out in twenty minutes.”

A visual depiction of the GOP tax plan makes its benefits clear to even the biggest idiots.

The editorial staff of The Lint Screen is not schooled in complex subjects like economics, so we approached Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House of Representatives, for an explanation of the new GOP Tax Plan.

“It’s quite simple,” Speaker Ryan said. “Our tax plan lessens the tax burden on corporations and the one percent most wealthy Americans. These are the job creators of our economy. With the extra money the companies receive in tax savings, they will hire many more people and give higher salaries and bonuses to their current employees. They’ll probably even throw their employees a big party, with sheet cakes, party favors, and premium ice cream! And the extra money that goes into the pockets and off-shore accounts of super wealthy people, well, that becomes fuel for them to build new factories and hire lots and lots of people. So, the net-net is a win-win! We want to give big tax breaks to the people who will use it best, and then that wealth will trickle down to the little people. It’s like a mama bird feeding her baby chicks.”

Speaker Ryan flashed his baby blues and gave his famous Pepsodent smile as he mopped his sweaty brow. “It’s really just simple economics and common sense,” he said

This reporter questioned why it wouldn’t be better to simply give tax breaks to the lower and middle classes. Speaker Ryan laughed.

“I see you don’t understand economics. If we give commoners tax breaks, they’d just stuff the money into their mattresses, and that does absolutely nothing to create jobs. No, you can’t possibly give money to ordinary workers. That would stall the U.S. economy. Peasants don’t know what’s good for them, but we sure do! Our GOP trickle-down approach is a proven way to really turbo boost the American economy. We project a 20% growth in G.D.P., maybe even as much as 530% growth! It’s very exciting.”

The reporter asked why golf course owners receive a tax break and estate taxes will change to significantly benefit the uber-rich, while taxes will go up for many lower and middle-class people. Ryan became enraged.

“Haven’t you been listening, moron? The job creators need money to create jobs for you bumpkins. How can you have a working class if there’s no work? This interview’s over, I’ve got to go vote so we can help job creators create more jobs, and my team can get some campaign contributions. You idiotic journalists don’t understand a damn thing! Goodbye.”

Speaker Ryan left the room, leaving behind the strong scent of Boss cologne and Vitalis Hair Tonic.

“Want to pass that gravy, punk!”

Our forefathers knew their stuff when they gave citizens “the right to bear arms”, especially during Thanksgiving season.

The NRA has launched a new ad campaign with the theme, “Shut that snowflake up!”

In the TV spot, the scene opens on a traditional family gathering. We see a dozen people gathered around a large table loaded with roast turkey and all the trimmings. As the family finishes their prayer of thanks, the father at the end of the table begins carving the big bird.

DAD: Honey, it all looks and smells incredible!
MOM: Thank you, dear.
UNCLE: Tell you one thing, Obama could never make America great again. He was too busy ruining the country!
DAD: Now, Hank, Obama did do some good things––
UNCLE: Like what? Help Kenya, his homeland?
DAD: Hank, you know that was a false allegation––
UNCLE: Obama’s a terrorist, related to bin Laden, and he destroyed our country from the inside. And Hillary gave Russia all our uranium bombs! I say, lock her up!
DAD: Please, Hank, let’s not talk politics this year––
UNCLE: Oh, so now you want to restrict my right to free speech! What’s next, Gary, you going to take my guns away?!
CUT TO FATHER’S ANXIOUS FACE.
DAD: No, I just…
CUT TO SHOT UNDER THE TABLE WHERE WE SEE HANK’S HAND HOLDING A GLOCK 19. HE MOVES HIS FINGER ON TO THE TRIGGER.
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF UNCLE HANK’S ANGRY FACE. FREEZE FRAME. TYPE CRAWLS UP SCREEN AS A BARITONE ANNOUNCER READS.
ANNCR: This Thanksgiving, give thanks for living a country where speech is free… and you have the right to protect yourself and enforce your God-given opinions. Don’t let liberals ruin your holidays.
CUT TO SHOT OF A TURKEY DINNER TABLE SET WITH FIREARMS.
SUPER TITLE: “Shut that snowflake up!”
ANNCR: Come hungry, and come armed. Always be prepared to shut that snowflake up!

FADE TO BLACK.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

Republicans are rallying around new catchier names for their tax plan.

Republicans need a win in Washington, and they are hoping their new tax-cutting legislation is the Hail Mary for victory.

Unfortunately, like their various health care bills, it is not popular with voters. Only 36% of voters approve of giving tax cuts to rich people, golf course owners, and large corporations, while many middle and lower income citizens will pay more in taxes.

“Our legislation gives tax breaks to job creators, and the wealth will trickle down all over commoners,” Georgia Rep. “Skeeter” Wessop told The Lint Screen. “It’s a great plan for stimulating the U.S. economy and should be much more popular with the masses. We obviously have a branding problem.”

The lawmaker continued as he wagged a finger. “The president wanted to call it ‘the Cut Cut Cut Tax Plan,’ but we thought that would be too hard to remember. So we’ve changed it to ‘the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act’ because those are two things that everyone should support. But, apparently that’s not getting enough traction in the marketplace, so we’re spitballing some new names.”

Rep. “Skeeter” showed some of the potential new names.

“The Big Tax Cuts And Better Sex Life Plan.”
“The Tax Cuttery Plan.”
“The Massive Tax Cuts & Live A Much Longer Life Plan.”
“The Tax Cuts, Etc. Plan.”
“The Huge Tax Cuts & Lose Weight Plan.”
“The ‘I-Can’t-Believe-How-Low-My-Taxes-Are!’ Plan.”
“The Tax Slasher Plan.”
“The Much Lower Taxes & Really High Paying Jobs Plan.”

The congressman swelled with pride. “We think we have some really good names here, and we’re going to take them to focus groups and pick a winner. We’re still waiting to hear back from the Koch Brothers and Mercer family for their favorites.”

Evil is about to get nipped in the ol’ buderooski!

Lamar Dewackle, a Republican Representative from Texas, has had enough of mass shootings in America, and he’s going to do something about it!

Dewackle is proposing a law that would “address a major problem with innovative thinking.” He spoke to The Lint Screen about his revolutionary idea.

“After that awful killing of 26 churchgoers on Sunday, I about had my fill,” the craggy-faced lawmaker said. “There ain’t nothing can be done about mass shootings except nip that problem right square in the bud–– we got to stop evil dead in its tracks!”

To do that, Rep. Dewackle proposes stiff legislation that would make evil a crime. “If we got rid of evil, I believe there’d be no more mass shootings,” the lawmaker said, as he cleaned his AR-15 assault rifle. “Evil ruins everything, this I believe!”

When asked about gun control, the politician bristled. “Gun control is unAmerican. If everyone in that church had been packing, which is why so many states allow guns in church, the death toll would have been much lower. No, guns ain’t the problem here–– evil is the problem. And I aim to get rid of it!”

Dewackle’s bill is expected to receive unanimous approval, proving Washington can indeed take decisive action to solve major problems!

Prez call TLS to discuss his big idea.

President Donald J. Trump recently declared the opioid epidemic a “health emergency.” While this move won’t earmark federal funds for opioid addiction treatments or negotiating lower prices for Naloxone, an opioid overdose drug, he proposed a bigger and bolder idea to nip the problem in the bud.

He called The Lint Screen to discuss his breakthrough, dramatic plan.
TELEPHONE RING
TLS: The Lint Screen, where fake news gets real.
DJT: This is the most powerful man in the world.
TLS: Jeff Bezos?
DJT: No, stupid–– President Trump.
TLS: Oh. Have you heard about any Amazon Cyber Monday specials? I was looking for a––
DJT: Shut up. I had a great idea. A big, bold, brilliant, tremendous idea for eliminating opioid addiction.
TLS: Uh huh. What is it?
DJT: Advertising.
TLS: Advertising?
DJT: Advertising. I’ll run an ad campaign telling people not to take opioids. Then, they’ll stop taking opioids and the crisis will be solved. Incredibly smart, right?
TLS: You mean an ad campaign like Nancy Reagan’s Just say no to drugs?
DJT: Just say no to drugs–– hey, that’s good!
TLS: It ran for many years.
DJT: Did it work?
TLS: Well, it ran in the eighties, and I think people are still using drugs, so–
DJT: It failed! Horrible failure. Sad. Awful. Just say no is too wishy-washy. My campaign will be: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! Incredible, right? Powerful.
TLS: I guess so.
DJT: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! will work because it tells you exactly what happens if you disobey my command. You die! That’s on you. Your death is your fault for not listening to your president, who had the largest inauguration crowd ever, and has done more for America in nine months than all other presidents combined. And, who has an amazingly smart brain that he keeps inside his skull because it’s made of bones. Very strong protection, bones.
TLS: Uh huh.
DJT: I did incredibly well in school. Ivy league education. Excellent grades. Wrote very good papers, excellent. Perfect papers. Lots of words, incredible punctuation. The best commas and periods. Got gold stars on my papers. Amazing stars. Shiny, pointy.
TLS: You actually think your Don’t do drugs or you’ll die ad campaign will work?
DJT: Absolutely. One hundred percent. Can’t-miss. It’s a slam dunk. The opioid crisis will be solved in no time. Then we can get on to bigger issues, like Hillary.
TLS: It might be tougher than you think getting people to quit opioids. Maybe it’d be a good idea to give some federal funds for addiction treatment.
DJT: No. You’re wrong. Addicts just need some tough love, some straight talk. They’ll listen and they’ll get off the goof. After they see my ads, they’ll straighten up and fly right.
TLS: Sounds like you’ve got the opioid epidemic all figured out.
DJT: Absolutely. That’s what leaders do–– lead. I’ll stop drugs for once and for all. See, I’m better than Reagan. Way better. Even better than Lincoln, he got shot, you know.
TLS: Was there anything else?
DJT: Yes, I wanted to talk about little rocket man and, hey, there’s a squirrel in that tree–– gotta run!

CLICK.

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