Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.

Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.

A jubilant Ted Cruz told a packed auditorium in Manchester, New Hampshire that his main rival in Tuesday’s primary, Donald J. Trump, had dropped out of the race.

“The Donald has quit the presidential race because that’s what quitters do–– they quit,” said a smiling Cruz.”Let’s face it, Trump’s a born loser. And Rubio, Carson, Christie, and Bush, they’ve all pulled the plug on their campaigns because they said their clothes were getting dirty and smelling funky, so they all ran home to be close to their closets and their dry cleaners. What babies–– they’re all weak!”

The crowd cheered at the news of a narrowing field. Candidate Cruz continued. “Americans deserves a president who has a vast wardrobe of blue and gray suits and isn’t afraid to overpack. America deserves Ted Cruz!”

Hell is even hellier thanks to climate change.

Climate change makes hell hotter than hell.

Old Lucifer is steaming!

The prince of darkness, Satan himself, is angry that Earthlings have not heeded the repeated calls over the years for environmental protections to alleviate climate change on the planet.

“Hell has a vested interest in what’s happening above us,” the Antichrist told The Lint Screen. “Good gravy, we’re down here in the boiler room. If it’s getting hot up there, imagine what it’s like down here! Criminy!”

Beelzebub says the lakes of fire in hell have never been hotter. “Sweet gum drops, we used to joke, ‘hot enough for ya?’ but not anymore. It’s too dagblasted hot for everyone! I get exhausted mopping my brow, for pete’s sake. It’s so toasty, I can’t even wear my ABBA tee shirt. I wear a doggone wife beater.”

Lucifer said the rising temperatures were also taking a toll on his operating costs. “Good gravy, we’ve doubled our pitchfork expenses. We’re lucky if we get three or four good jabs into sinners before the pitchfork tines just melt. It’s put our budgeting in a nasty pickle.”

The grand tempter/son of perdition, says he “prays” humans do the right thing. “If they don’t, well sweet jimmy, I’m going to have to look into getting a couple of box fans down here. Or a lemonade concession. Something’s got to give, for cry-eye!”

Will the country go as Joe goes?

Will the country go as Joe goes?

Now that Sarah Palin has officially announced she’s on Team Trump, The Lint Screen has learned that all presidential candidates are making serious pushes to secure an endorsement from Joe The Plumber.

“Joe’s support is crucial for the next person to occupy the White House,” said “Bugsy” Woolcott, a top political consultant as he lit a Cuban cigar with a burning $100 bill. “This is not a Republican or Democrat issue, it doesn’t matter who wins, that person is going to need a good plumber. The White House is older than dirt and clogs are common. The next president is going to need a man who knows how to snake a drain more than a strong economic policy adviser or foreign policy maker. As the old adage goes, ‘you can’t fake plumbing’.”

Joe the Plumber has been coy about showing support for anyone just yet, but candidates from both parties are scheduling sit-downs with the king maker.

One thing is certain: whoever sits on the throne next is going to need Joe the Plumber in his/her corner, or suffer the consequences.

Sean Penn has a nose for the elusive interview.

Sean Penn has a nose for the elusive interview.


Following his successful interview with Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán for Rolling Stone, Madonna’s ex-squeeze has received an assignment for an exclusive interview with Jimmy Hoffa.

Hoffa, the ex-President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters (IBT) union disappeared mysteriously in late July of 1975. He has been underground since.

The Lint Screen talked with Jann Wenner, co-founder and publisher of Rolling Stone magazine. Wenner believes Mr. Penn is just the man for the job. “Sean’s got a nose for the news. It’s a big nose, looks like it’s been busted a couple of times. If anyone can find where Hoffa’s hiding, Sean Penn is the man! And I have every confidence he’ll get all the answers.”

Forget Denmark, Steve Carell thinks something stinks on Wall Street.

Forget Denmark, Steve Carell thinks something stinks on Wall Street.

The Big Short is being billed as a comedy, which is funny. Hilarious, really.

Yes, it has some funny lines and devices, but it’s a tragic film and an essential one every American should see.

Director Adam McKay doesn’t need green screens and CGI magic to depict catastrophe and humanity put on the brink, he just needs a cast of banksters and greedy Wall Street goons in suits with computers, placing bets and rigging financial markets with bogus financial instruments. The film’s shot with a lively pace and curious camera showing how the sleight of hand of pop culture infatuation lulls us into complacency as visions of The American Dream are manufactured out of whisper-thin air.

Sure, the financial rigamarole hocus pocus is complex stuff, but the script by Charles Randolph and Adam McKay breaks it down into palatable chunks you’ll comprehend. And when you put all the pieces together, you see the inevitable train wreck coming. When it finally occurs, you’ll wonder how and why it was allowed to happen.

And why in the hell just one person went to jail.

The fix was in. The fix is still in. Too big to fail is now bigger and starting to play the same games. This movie peeks behind the curtain and shows how the magic trick was done to decimate so many financially.

This is entertainment of the highest order–– intriguing, entertaining, provocative and compelling, with great performances by Steve Carell, Christian Bale, Melissa Leo, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and many more.

This may be the best film of the year, and certainly it’s the most important. See it and weep.

The spirited lad takes action against his unreasonable father.

The spirited lad takes action against his unreasonable father.

While Ammon Bundy fights his good fight taking over a federal building in the Oregon boonies, his 6-year old son Ezichael has waged his own battle. Yesterday, the spirited son declared a takeover of his bedroom.

“Dad is a poo-poo head,” said the young rebel. “He can’t tell me what to do and ground me and make me sit in time out corner. I have rights. It’s my room, not his, and it’s all mine forever and ever, so there! The old man’s a tyrant.”

With that, the little man threw a Lego at The Lint Screen reporter and demanded he leave, “now, or I’ll get my gun and blow your head off!”

“Oh,” he then said in a contrite voice, “would you tell mom I need some snacks and a juice box. I’m getting kinda hungry.”

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