“I’m doing an incredible job,” convicted felon and adjudicated rapist Donald J. Trump brags. “I’ve made everything more affordable, stopped over twenty wars––I’m the first president to win a FIFA Peace Prize––and brought millions of jobs to America. The economy is booming, thanks to my tariffs. People have never been happier or prouder to be an American. I’m definitely the greatest leader ever.“

The delusional monster occupying the White House can’t stop praising himself.

“Joe Biden left this country in horrible shape,” Trump said. “No one thought the country could be repaired, but I’m such a great leader, I was able to fix everything. I stopped inflation dead in its tracks, I got us out of forever wars, and I turbo-charged our economy so every American is flush with cash. Hell, I made over $2 billion in my first year!”

But even after accomplishing so much, Trump believes the “deep state” is out to get him.

“Senators are dragging their feet on approving Todd Blanche as my Attorney General,” Trump says, shaking his head. “Tillis and Cornyn won’t approve paying $1.8 billion to the patriots defending democracy on January sixth. It’s horrible how they were treated, like common criminals. Those RINOs also don’t want to give the Trump family a free pass on tax audits forever. We deserve it after the awful way I’ve been treated. Anyone with the Trump name has a target on their back. Biden stole my election victory! It’s not fair!”

The pitiful, smelly man begins slow-humping an American flag.

“I love this country so much,” he says. “It’s time it loved me back.”

Natalie Harp enters the Oval with her diaper bag ready to do what needs to be done. Another day in paradise.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell, who hasn’t shown up for work for months in his quest to destroy democracy, sent a new “ proof of life” photo from his hospital bed with his wife, Elaine Chao.

”We are smiling in the picture because we had just done the dirty deed, ” McConnell confided in an email to The Lint Screen. “I have the passion of a tiger––a very horny tiger, and we got it on hot and heavy. Let me tell you, this guy knows his way around the bed sheets! Ask any of my conquests–– they’ll tell you.”

While many speculate about McConnell’s health, or if he’s even alive enough to have health, the senator reassured the world he’s okay.

“I’m fit as a fiddle,” a young voice claiming to be McConnell claimed in a phone call. “Hunky dory fine. I may go out and run a half-marathon and press some iron. Could a dead man do that? Now please leave me alone and let me occupy my Senate seat for the full term and beyond. My power is eternal!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald Trump will be selling Americans on his latest conspiracy theory.

The Lint Screen has obtained a copy of the speech that Trump will deliver at a televised event on Thursday, July 16.

DJT: “Good evening, my fellow patriots who want to make America great again. Our country faces the most dangerous threat ever. The Dumbocrat Party wants to turn the United States of America communist, and they will do anything to succeed in their mission. So I’m asking Congress for an additional $350 billion to battle these enemies of the state. I hate communists, except for Putin and Xi.

The evil Dumbocrats cheated in the 2020 elections. I knew it. You knew it. Everyone knew it. FBI Director Kash Patel and his investigators confiscated election records in Georgia and have proof that the Dumbocrats had illegal foreigners, ghosts, and walking dead zombies voting them into office. They did this nationwide. Sleepy Joe Biden and his commie pals cheated me and all Republican candidates out of office. No one’s ever seen anything like it. But I won’t stand for it.

I have instructed our well-trained ICE troops to immediately arrest cheating Senators Jon Ossoff, Raphael Warnock, and every Dumbocrat in political office. We’ll jail them in ICE facilities along with the illegals they snuck in to vote for them.

Because there has been so much election fraud, I am immediately suspending all midterm elections so that Republicans can take back 100% of the Senate and Congress, and we can get my agenda done to make America great again.

We are doing a tremendous job tackling inflation, improving medical care, and bringing peace to the world. Look at the stock market! Record highs. And look at the enormous jump in my family’s wealth. I’m sure your family is enjoying the same incredible riches. We’re all living the good life. This is America’s golden age, and we protect against cheating commie Dumbocrats.

Under Trump, we have made our country the hottest in the world. Everyone respects us. We are no longer the laughingstock because now we are run by macho real men surging with sexy testerone, like the very handsome Sean Duffy. Look at his tight, muscular butt cheeks in those tight slacks. And then we have the rugged good looks of Pete Hegseth. A real warrior, tough as nails. He’s so good-looking in uniform. God, I’d love to jump that! Would you like that, Pete? You know you would. (GIVE THUMBS UP SIGN)

In closing, sleep well, America. Trump is in charge! Thank you for your attention in this matter.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The man-child-in-chief is upset yet again.

Trump bellyached to FIFA president Gianni Infantino about Team USA player Folarin Balogun’s red-card suspension from the game against Belgium. Shortly after, the suspension was magically lifted, and Trump bragged that only he could do such a feat.

Then, Belgium beat Team USA 4-1. Afterward, the Belgian players mocked Trump by doing his signature YMCA fist-bumping dance.

“They’re a bunch of smart-asses,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “But I’ll get the last laugh. I ordered Secretary of War Pete Hegseth to begin bombing Belgium as early as this weekend. Let’s see how funny they think it is when their homes and families are blown to bits. Besides, no one gets to do my dance unless they pay me royalties of $1,000,000.”

The recipient of the first-ever FIFA Peace Prize and the Russia Peace Prize also says he will begin a Department of Justice investigation into the game.

“It’s impossible that a puny country like Belgium could beat the hottest country in the world,” he says. “They obviously rigged the game. They had illegal soccer balls or a crooked scorekeeper, or they poisoned our guys. I’ll get to the bottom of this, and there will be hell to pay.”

The mad king gives two thumbs up.

“I’m all about retribution and justice,” he says, smiling. “It’s a dangerous world out there.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

If there’s one thing wannabe king Donald J. Trump knows how to do, it’s throw a party.

“I love seeing my patriots having a great time,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “So when I found out there was a bipartisan organization, America250, that was planning all kinds of communist DEI activities, I immediately formed Freedom250, featuring activities with America’s favorite president–ME! I told my people to grab the lion’s share of the taxpayer money America250 was going to waste, and give it to me for my party. I also began shaking down corporations with government contracts. They know how to play ball.” Trump touches his nose.

He named his lovely mail-order bride Melania to help with planning.

“We booked some of America’s top entertainers, Lee Greenwood and Alexis Wilkens, the Kash-man’s main squeeze,” Trump says, smiling. “And people haven’t stopped coming. No one’s ever seen such big crowds. Unbelievably huge crowds.”

Despite multiple reports of equipment failures, melting ice cream, and sparse attendance, Trump and his propagandists at Fox News insist the celebration is an enormous success.

“It’s incredible to see so many people enjoying my party,” Trump says. “Many of them take a dip in my newly refurbished reflecting pool, where the water’s so clean you can drink it. A lot of people are saying it’s the fountain of youth. I don’t know, maybe it is.” He smiles widely. “I’m fixing everything in Washington, and I’ll make it even better with my ballroom, arch, and new Donald J. Trump monument and international airport.”

Trump grins and reflects on his many accomplishments.

“I don’t think anyone thought I’d become the most popular president ever,” Trump says. “From my brilliant tariffs to ICE goon squads and detention camps, to bombing Iran, fixing inflation, and bringing peace to the world, I’m making America great again in so many ways. And I’m happy to share my success with others. I think our founding fathers would be proud of the job I’m doing, even though most of them were losers.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

You can always count on wannabe dictator Donald Trump to ruin everything he touches.

The addled con artist promised he’d beautify Washington by cleaning and painting the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

“I hired the best pool man in the business,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “And they painted the pool the most beautiful American flag blue. Everyone said it was incredible. A masterpiece.”

The job cost $14.65 million, $4 million more than the estimated cost.

“I had to wet my beak here,” Trump confesses. “I’m running the country for a profit.“

Days after the job was completed, the reflecting pool turned a ghastly shade of putrid green due to an algae infestation. Maintenance people immediately dumped hydrogen peroxide into the water, which later caused the new paint to peel.

“A man, a big, strong man – gorgeous man, straight from central casting – came up to me with tears in his eyes,” Trump recalls. “‘Sir,’ he said, ‘Antifa and liberal lunatics have sabotaged your magnificent pool. They hate America and are trying to ruin it.’ He broke down crying like a dog. I hugged him. His arms were like concrete, pure muscle. The guy was a total smokeshow. I kissed his sweaty forehead and told him not to worry. I’d fix everything.”

Trump claims the Democrats also forced him into the Iran war.

“It wasn’t my idea,” Trump says. “I’m the peace president. But the Dumocrats hijacked the military and attacked Iran. Now I have to settle the war they started. Fortunately, I’m the world’s greatest dealmaker, so we’ll get something fantastic in return. I told the Iranian leadership, they’re great people, very misunderstood, but incredible men. I said I’ll give you the states of New York, Illinois, and California if you let me build a Trump Tower in Tehran. They’re thinking it over.”

Trump shakes his head. “I have to fix everything the Dumocrats break. It’s very unfair.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.