“I wasn’t able to serve in Vietnam,” Trump says. “It was sad. So sad, really. I wanted to serve very badly. I tried enlisting many, many times, but the recruitment officer always told me the same thing. ‘We’d love to have you, sir,’ he’d say with tears in his eyes. ‘But I’m afraid your bone spurs are a bigly problem.’ They’re a serious health issue, and it’s amazing you can withstand the pain, but we just can’t accept you into the Army or Marines. It’s a shame, sir. A damn shame because I know you’d be the best soldier ever, and probably be promoted to general faster than anyone in history.”

When The Lint Screen asked whether there was a reason to engage Iran with bombs, Graham again grew agitated.

“Oh, I don’t know, take your pick,” he said, arms flailing. “We wanted regime change, Iran was going to build nuclear bombs, Bibi was going to attack first, and we didn’t want to get shown up, they were planning to kill President Trump so we got their Supreme Leader before they got ours, Iranians have brown skin, they practice some weird religion, we’ve got to prep for Armageddon, so all good, true Christians can be raptured, they asked for it–– how ’bout any of those to name a few?”

“We’ll have Seal Team Six deliver the Kashster behind enemy lines and challenge their leader to a chugging contest,” Hegseth says, smiling. “My G-Man will face off, pop some tops, and let the suds flow until the infidels surrender.”

I fixed inflation. Prices have never been lower. Gas, rent, groceries– a word I made up – they’re all cheap. People can’t believe. And cars and homes are also finally affordable. Many of my Mar-A-Lago members have two, three, or even ten houses. They all love Trump!!! They tell me all the time at our Great Gatsby parties.

“Those buff dudes are hot,” coos Samantha Woolencott. “But they’re a little too ‘into’ each other, if you know what I mean. Why are all the good ones infatuated with each other? What chance does a girl like me have?”

“You Democrats want to deny biology,” Bondi snapped at Sen. Jamie Raskin. “Young girls are naturally attracted to successful, rich, powerful men who are hunks. Epstein, President Trump, Bill Gates, Leslie Wexner, Howard Lutnick, and Elon Musk are stone-cold gorgeous specimens of the male form. But they were constantly badgered and abused by these young girls gone wild. It was a travesty, and I will bring justice for the abused men involved.”