Trump stops, rubs his bruised hands, and signals for an aide to cut an onion by his face. A tear rolls down his face, caked with makeup.

“Look at me crying, like a real human,” Trump says.

Felon and suspected pedophile Donald J. Trump is sick and tired of people second-guessing his executive decisions. “I’m the president, goddammit,” he told reporters yesterday before leaving for a diplomatic trip to China. “Biden and Obama left me one helluva mess to clean up, and I’m doing an incredible job.” Trump is becoming increasingly irate … Read more

“What Comey did was very serious,” Blanche says. “He shared a picture of seashells spelling ’86 47′ on social media, and the president was terrified. He requested extra ‘cuddle time’ with the First Lady for comfort, and she told him to “go straight to hell.” He was so upset, he stress-eated a bucket of KFC, a sack of Quarter Pounders, and two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s.”

“We’re the hottest country in the world,” Trump crowed. “It’s America’s golden age. No one’s ever seen anything like it. The economy is booming, my crypto and grifts have made me well over $4 billion, and gas and groceries are very cheap. My kids and Jared are making a killing with their grifting games. We’re all getting richer than hell. No wonder I’m the most popular in the world.”

“I study remedies carefully and am making significant advances in radical therapies like moose gland, bear cub kidney, and raccoon penis treatments. It’s remarkable the things I’ve learned from my roadkill medicine.”

“I think Pope Leo should keep his cakehole shut when it comes to politics,” the testy eyeliner-wearing Vance tells The Lint Screen. “All his lecturing on what Jesus said is not helping anyone. In fact, sometimes it makes our glorious savior and redeemer, President Donald J. Trump, look bad, and that’s a sin because Donald Trump is all about America first. He is infallible, and the pope should never forget that.”