“It’s incredible to see so many people enjoying my party,” Trump says. “Many of them take a dip in my newly refurbished reflecting pond, where the water’s so clean you can drink it. Many people say it’s the fountain of youth. I don’t know, maybe it is.”

You can always count on wannabe dictator Donald Trump to ruin everything he touches. The addled con artist promised he’d beautify Washington by cleaning and painting the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “I hired the best pool man in the business,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “And they painted the pool the most beautiful American flag … Read more

“It’s incredible how great I am at presidenting,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “No one’s ever seen a leader as popular as I am. The New York Knicks demanded that I attend game three of the NBA Finals. People came to me––big, strong, handsome men in tight chinos with big bulges. Manly men. They had tears in their eyes, and they said, ‘Please, sir, you must be there. The Knicks and their fans need your support.’ So I went to the game, and the Knicks won in a blowout. I guess I’m their good luck charm. The New York crowd cheered me like crazy–they love me. No one’s ever heard cheering that loud before.”

Old, stinky lunatic Donald J. Trump is on a tear. He put his name on The Kennedy Center, tore down the East Wing, wants a billion dollars to build his bunker/ballroom, gave a single bid contract seven times the original estimate to paint The Lincoln Memorial Reflective Pool, is spending $5 million in taxpayer dollars to … Read more

Trump stops, rubs his bruised hands, and signals for an aide to cut an onion by his face. A tear rolls down his face, caked with makeup.

“Look at me crying, like a real human,” Trump says.

Felon and suspected pedophile Donald J. Trump is sick and tired of people second-guessing his executive decisions. “I’m the president, goddammit,” he told reporters yesterday before leaving for a diplomatic trip to China. “Biden and Obama left me one helluva mess to clean up, and I’m doing an incredible job.” Trump is becoming increasingly irate … Read more