“It’s incredible how great I am at presidenting,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “No one’s ever seen a leader as popular as I am. The New York Knicks demanded that I attend game three of the NBA Finals. People came to me––big, strong, handsome men in tight chinos with big bulges. Manly men. They had tears in their eyes, and they said, ‘Please, sir, you must be there. The Knicks and their fans need your support.’ So I went to the game, and the Knicks won in a blowout. I guess I’m their good luck charm. The New York crowd cheered me like crazy–they love me. No one’s ever heard cheering that loud before.”

Old, stinky lunatic Donald J. Trump is on a tear. He put his name on The Kennedy Center, tore down the East Wing, wants a billion dollars to build his bunker/ballroom, gave a single bid contract seven times the original estimate to paint The Lincoln Memorial Reflective Pool, is spending $5 million in taxpayer dollars to … Read more

Trump stops, rubs his bruised hands, and signals for an aide to cut an onion by his face. A tear rolls down his face, caked with makeup.

“Look at me crying, like a real human,” Trump says.

Felon and suspected pedophile Donald J. Trump is sick and tired of people second-guessing his executive decisions. “I’m the president, goddammit,” he told reporters yesterday before leaving for a diplomatic trip to China. “Biden and Obama left me one helluva mess to clean up, and I’m doing an incredible job.” Trump is becoming increasingly irate … Read more

“What Comey did was very serious,” Blanche says. “He shared a picture of seashells spelling ’86 47′ on social media, and the president was terrified. He requested extra ‘cuddle time’ with the First Lady for comfort, and she told him to “go straight to hell.” He was so upset, he stress-eated a bucket of KFC, a sack of Quarter Pounders, and two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s.”

“We’re the hottest country in the world,” Trump crowed. “It’s America’s golden age. No one’s ever seen anything like it. The economy is booming, my crypto and grifts have made me well over $4 billion, and gas and groceries are very cheap. My kids and Jared are making a killing with their grifting games. We’re all getting richer than hell. No wonder I’m the most popular in the world.”