“What Comey did was very serious,” Blanche says. “He shared a picture of seashells spelling ’86 47′ on social media, and the president was terrified. He requested extra ‘cuddle time’ with the First Lady for comfort, and she told him to “go straight to hell.” He was so upset, he stress-eated a bucket of KFC, a sack of Quarter Pounders, and two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s.”

“We’re the hottest country in the world,” Trump crowed. “It’s America’s golden age. No one’s ever seen anything like it. The economy is booming, my crypto and grifts have made me well over $4 billion, and gas and groceries are very cheap. My kids and Jared are making a killing with their grifting games. We’re all getting richer than hell. No wonder I’m the most popular in the world.”

“I study remedies carefully and am making significant advances in radical therapies like moose gland, bear cub kidney, and raccoon penis treatments. It’s remarkable the things I’ve learned from my roadkill medicine.”

“I think Pope Leo should keep his cakehole shut when it comes to politics,” the testy eyeliner-wearing Vance tells The Lint Screen. “All his lecturing on what Jesus said is not helping anyone. In fact, sometimes it makes our glorious savior and redeemer, President Donald J. Trump, look bad, and that’s a sin because Donald Trump is all about America first. He is infallible, and the pope should never forget that.”

“You have to re-elect President Orban,” V.P. JD Vance told a Budapest crowd. “He is like a Hungarian Donald Trump, and our glorious president is doing everything he can to make America more like Hungary. That’s what Project 2025 was all about. And we’re getting there, working hard to shut down free press, flooding the media with propaganda– we even have state regime media called Fox News, getting corporate kickbacks for favors, war profiteering, and assembling the most corrupt administration ever. MAGA is now ‘MAH’–– Make America Hungary.” Vance’s phone rings, and he smiles. “I wonder who that could be.” He answers the call.

“The President and I have a special relationship that we formed on the golf course,” Graham says. “He is without a doubt the best golfer in history. I told Trump that if he goes along with Bibi, he could grab all the Iranian oil and put in a puppet leader he could control, like any GOP politician. He liked that idea, then shot yet another hole-in-one, and called ‘steel buns’ Pete Hegseth to draw up the war plans. I love a man who’s decisive, and our dreamy President is that!”