The man in charge of our troops wants to see more of his men.

“We’ve got to be sure we have lethal fighters,” Defense Sec. Pete Hegseth, who has a makeup room in the Pentagon, tells The Lint Screen. “And that means warriors who have so much testerone surging through their bodies that they get morning wood every day. I’m talking about muscular men sportin’ stiff poles you could hang thick Turkish towels on.”

Effective immediately, Hegseth will begin touring the armed services barracks first thing in the morning to check on his men.

“I’m going on boner patrol,” Hegseth says. “I want to see what’s up with my guys, and if a soldier can’t pass my close inspection, I’ll put him on a steady diet of testerone. I want all my men flying at full mast, being stiff as boards, morning, noon, and night,” the guy with a full face of makeup says, licking his lips as he rubs his palms together.

Hegseth says later today he plans to work out with the Sec. of Health and Human Services
Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

“Bobby and I like to wear super tight jeans and take off our shirts,” Hegseth says. “Then we oil each other’s torsos slick as eels and do some chin-ups, so we’re good and pumped when ripped Kid Rock comes over to join us. We’re the gold standard examples of how to be a man in Trump’s America.“

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride.Buckle up and go.

Pete Hegseth is on a roll. He’s fired twenty qualified, decorated generals, purged our military ranks of minority honor recognition, and now he’s ready to pump U.S. military members full of testosterone and God.

“Some people say drones are the future of warfare,” Hegseth tells The Lint Screen. “But I say, ‘Bullcrap.’ Flying contraptions are no match for spiritual warriors pumped full of testosterone. I’ve killed our drone program because that’s a chicken way to engage in battle. We’re building a fighting force like something you see in movies. Push-up and chin-up machines, raging with manly hormones, not a bunch of sissy unmanned drones dropping bombs. That’s a chicken way of fighting in my book. I say, ‘Grab a Bible, get a full load of mighty T, and let’s rumble.’”

Hegseth, previously fired from two nonprofit veteran organizations for financial mismanagement and leadership turmoil, now heads one of the world’s largest military forces, comprising 1.3 million active-duty personnel and 800,000 reservists and National Guard members. Because he is inept and commands no respect, the frightened tyrant does not allow real journalists to cover the Pentagon. 

Yet his boss, Donald J. Trump, thinks he is doing “A fantastic job—hell, we’ve won the Iran war 36 times already, and the Strait of Hormuz is wide open.”

“I’m building the greatest fighting force in history,” Hegseth crows. “And we’re going to need a heck of a lot of testosterone to do it. Fortunately, I found a terrific T-supplier: TRUMP TESTOSTERONE, led by a brilliant businessman named Don Jr.”

Hegseth smiles and says, “I’m killing it, man.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump, who insisted on taking his personal jumbo jet, gifted to him by Qatar, to a NATO Summit in Turkey, couldn’t take it back to the U.S. because the aircraft wasn’t secure––even after spending $1 billion in taxpayer money to recondition it. Instead, he would take the old, reliable Air Force One. Then things got hinky.

Security forces learned the Iranians were planning to assassinate Trump. The brave Commander-in-Chief, who claims to have destroyed Iran and won the war 416 times, boarded Air Force One but was then hidden in a catering cart, removed from the aircraft, and loaded onto another plane.

“I wanted to give my Cabinet members like Stephen Miller and ‘lil Marco Rubio the opportunity to become martyrs if the Iranians blew the plane out of the sky,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “I’m such a commanding leader that I get all the attention, and these guys don’t get much of the spotlight. Had they died, the world would view them as heroes. Martyrs who died in Trump’s honor. It would help my poll numbers, which are the highest ever recorded. People love me.”

When asked about the other 100 people on board the aircraft, Trump waved his hand dismissively.

“Most of them were from the fake news media,” Trump said, smiling. “No big loss there. Just a little collateral damage. “

Asked if he would have felt any guilt or remorse about using the plane as a decoy if tragedy had struck, Trump laughs.

“Hell no. Why would I?” The heroic man chuckles. “Suckers die every day. Life goes on. Besides, they died for Trump, and what more glorious way to go is there than that?”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

“I’m doing an incredible job,” convicted felon and adjudicated rapist Donald J. Trump brags. “I’ve made everything more affordable, stopped over twenty wars––I’m the first president to win a FIFA Peace Prize––and brought millions of jobs to America. The economy is booming, thanks to my tariffs. People have never been happier or prouder to be an American. I’m definitely the greatest leader ever.“

The delusional monster occupying the White House can’t stop praising himself.

“Joe Biden left this country in horrible shape,” Trump said. “No one thought the country could be repaired, but I’m such a great leader, I was able to fix everything. I stopped inflation dead in its tracks, I got us out of forever wars, and I turbo-charged our economy so every American is flush with cash. Hell, I made over $2 billion in my first year!”

But even after accomplishing so much, Trump believes the “deep state” is out to get him.

“Senators are dragging their feet on approving Todd Blanche as my Attorney General,” Trump says, shaking his head. “Tillis and Cornyn won’t approve paying $1.8 billion to the patriots defending democracy on January sixth. It’s horrible how they were treated, like common criminals. Those RINOs also don’t want to give the Trump family a free pass on tax audits forever. We deserve it after the awful way I’ve been treated. Anyone with the Trump name has a target on their back. Biden stole my election victory! It’s not fair!”

The pitiful, smelly man begins slow-humping an American flag.

“I love this country so much,” he says. “It’s time it loved me back.”

Natalie Harp enters the Oval with her diaper bag ready to do what needs to be done. Another day in paradise.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell, who hasn’t shown up for work for months in his quest to destroy democracy, sent a new “ proof of life” photo from his hospital bed with his wife, Elaine Chao.

”We are smiling in the picture because we had just done the dirty deed, ” McConnell confided in an email to The Lint Screen. “I have the passion of a tiger––a very horny tiger, and we got it on hot and heavy. Let me tell you, this guy knows his way around the bed sheets! Ask any of my conquests–– they’ll tell you.”

While many speculate about McConnell’s health, or if he’s even alive enough to have health, the senator reassured the world he’s okay.

“I’m fit as a fiddle,” a young voice claiming to be McConnell claimed in a phone call. “Hunky dory fine. I may go out and run a half-marathon and press some iron. Could a dead man do that? Now please leave me alone and let me occupy my Senate seat for the full term and beyond. My power is eternal!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.